Monday, December 29, 2014

The Awakening

It's like I woke up...
As I walked through the crisp white snow under the winter Baltic sunrise I had never felt so alive , I've seen many  Lithuanian sunrises, but this particular one was beyond beautiful, shades of lily flower purple with the golden sun and traces of mandarin orange in the background. I wish I could have taken a picture to show you, but my camera had no room. Oh those moments that are forever imprinted and memorized in intricate artistic detail by the heart. I realized going into this, I had forced myself into a life I was never meant to live, I knew the art & degree of so called practicality was never me from day one, I made my passions, visions, and dreams of art and music drink a deadly poison to kill them off, just when I thought I killed them, through the shadows and cracks of my heart they arose to re inspire once again. 

As I was creating a worship playlist the other day, I was vividly reminded of 
my childhood of going to those Christian music festivals for ten years , and they were definitely not an accident. Starting with musician A in the merch tent and ending wih musician Z, personally asking each of them what inspired them to start their band, every precious conversation, every word as a young girl. I thought everyone in general had a similar experience with Christian music, (those interested at least) but then when I moved outside of America, Jesus turned my beloved musical childhood past upside down. I realized this gift He blessed me with as a child was sacred, and those shoes and circumstances I found myself in were not merely coincidences, but divine blessings in disguise that would help me with my missions work in Europe. 

 Honestly I somewhat hid this sacred gift when I arrived on European soil. It didn't resonate with my soul like it used to. Growing up my genre was more like Hillsong, DCB, hawk nelson, fm static, TFK, Barlow girl, Toby Mac, skillet, disciple (I still listen to the Canadian & hard rock) When I moved to Europe, my heart really changed. I still love the same Jesus as I did 3 years ago before this adventure began, but God really opened my eyes. Before moving to Europe I started getting into Christian metal music (I remember going to this For Today/Devil Wears Prada concert with a dear friend, I told her everyone there will dress metal, so we planned our outfits, make up, hair, and dang.....we looked perfect for that scene after many hours of prep....dead rose lipstick...Ahmen. We get to the show, literally we are the only ones dressed up and everyone else looks "too normal" I will refrain from mentioning the city name...such a hilariously artistic experience I will never forget) it seemed normal, and then I went to my dream missions school, the Steiger missions school summer 2013 in Germany. I became friends with Christian metalists from all over the world. I found it deeply intruiging and interesting how they were using metal to evangelize the gospel. As I started traveling with my missions school throughout Europe wih it was Slot Art festival or Polish Woodstock, Czech Republic, Germany, and really getting to know people"s hearts in this part of the world, God really broke my heart for them and in those moments I realized how relevant having an evangelistic Christian metal band would be, such a common genre for Germany, Poland, Ukraine, and Russia. And about halfway through the Steiger missions school, God inspired me with my own metal music vision. Never in my life did I imagine myself ever proclaiming the gospel through this genre, in fact I thought it would be the last genre I expected to evangelize with, but over the years God has really grown my passion for Christian metal. (I vividly recall a metal memory when I was a little 12 year old girl rocking out at one of my favorite Christian music festivals, Sonshine. My friends dragged me to the HM stage for the 1st time in my life which I usually avoided like a disease. I was standing there absolutely terrified as my friends enjoyed the show and I happened to be standing right next to this band"s table and this musician guy who has tattoo sleeves on both arms on his neck and ear gauges, warmly smiles at me, says Hi and asks me what I thought of the show, I just stand there in utter horrifying shock and ran out of the HM stage area as fast as I could....looking back on this situation if I were to go there now, I would totally be in love with that Christian American metalist.....God"s sense of humor...the things we run from in life we eventually end up embracing...)

Also, Growing up for me, a song was not merely a song. Every lyrical line, every word, every morpheme and phoneme (excuse my non-existent nerdy linguistic side) was like a precious diamond that flowed through my veins in my blood. Every song reminded me of a life story, a circumstance, a specific person. Those Christian music childhood songs were such a beautiful gift from the heavenlies that I didn't realize until now. I know I probably take music ministry way too seriously, but the etiquette in how it is done means everything to me. I was inspired by the American Christian music scene, but never truly satisfied, to the point where I decided to move to Europe in hopes of starting or being part of some Christian music revolution. I couldn't just sit in my comfort in America and watch my own flesh and blood spiritually suffer. Something had to be done. It's especially a hard daily life decision to make when you are blessed and cursed to be part of 2 cultural worlds at once. It kisses and scars the heart and soul at the same time. 

This past semester I experienced what it was like to lose the heart and soul of who I am. It was terrible. Soul glazed lifeless eyes with no inspiration to talk to anyone. The person who loves talking with people became anti social. 
Looking back, I don't even recognize myself in some situations. I realized that if I forsook the heart and soul of who I was,eventually it will come back to me in the most unexpected moments as if Jesus is gently reminding me who I am.

As a follower of Jesus, whether you are new in your walk of have been a Christian for many years, there comes a time when Jesus does something in your life that is so powerful, life altering, you walk away a radically changed and different person and just left completely speechless. It's like every morning you wake up after that experience you see your family, friends, relatives, every person walking down the street in a new light. How you smile, do music, do art, dance pursue those passion, visions, dreams, it's just different. Trust me, people will notice. And it never leaves you. I pray each of you dearest friends would be blessed in this way.' Spending the past several years in Europe, I can honestly and genuinely say, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago....

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Art of Saying Goodbye

Life is truly mysterious, I believe I will never quite fully understand it,
As this semester FINALLY comes to a close I find myself lost admist a season of goodbyes.
I look back on my life, especially the last three years of doing missions work in Europe, and I am left completely speechless at every single beautiful heart and soul I have met on the streets of this life. Sometimes it feels like I've met at least half the world, metaphorically speaking. I've come across SO SO SO many people of different cultures,religions, languages, dreams, passions, visions. I question God many times, why me? Why was I so privileged and blessed to walk these shoes and look into each person's dear eyes? Maybe I will never truly know the answer to this endless pondering. In all honesty I NEVER forget, a name, a face, a beautiful walking story, a dear heart and a dear soul. So once I meet someone, they are are eternally remembered in my heart....Whether that is a blessing or a curse...depends on the person.... ;)

From the people I've met, I believe the world is in such good hands, I'm so excited to see what God will do through you. 

Every person you meet is for a reason, and not by accident.  I firmly believe this. Every person is an answered prayer. I notice that God puts people in my life at the exactly right time. Whether I'm going through an inspiring season of my life or a season of struggle and sadness. The most recent example I can think of is, about the last month into the semester, I really fell into this deep depression about my metal music vision. I was endlessly questioning God if it was His will for this vision to happen. I desperately prayed for a sign...and next thing I knew God blessed me with a dear friend who really inspired me not to lose my heart for Christian metal music ministry. It was the perfect miracle at the perfect time.

Lots of people I have met in this beautiful life were last minute  and it seemed so unexpected that our lives would cross paths. That's what I love so much about life, really, God is full of unexpected people surprises. It's adventurously, excitingly unpredictable. 

Also, I've realized especially  the missions heart type of people, we realize from the beginning there will be one too many goodbyes that we will experience. I knew in that moment   when I  made the decision  to move from Minneapolis back to Lithuania, it would be the beginning of something unpredictably great, but also a life process that would require a sacrifice of more heart pain.  It's like you know going into this life adventure you will meet alot of people, there will be seasons of life time friendships, or maybe someone you meet for several weeks or a day, but nevertheless, as we reflect back to Jesus heart, cross, and passion I can confidently say, 
"You are the God who is in the heart in the midst of the tears of goodbyes."

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Sparkle in your Eyes

For a moment I saw a familiar sparkle in your eye
So this is where the double cultured worlds kiss,
The art of being Lithuanian American, Both sides have their loses and sacrifices
Sometimes in those beautifully unexpected moments my heart finds so much joy, and I realize the sacrifice was worth it,
Other times when the reflections of my musical childhood past stare me in the face, I honestly ponder what could have been...

Treasured Trash

The other day I found myself painting clouds. It's been one day too long since I last found myself doing something enjoyably artistic on this side of Eastern European heaven. As I sat there with my paintbrush, shades of blue and white paint and wine red tea, I was reminded of my childhood art past.
I vividly recall, one of my greatest art inspirations, my former art teacher Mr. Hanson. I will never forget him. He was the type of art teacher who could take something that society considers trash, and create an artistic masterpiece out of it. Little did I know how this perspective would influence my life in such a way years to come.  Wither it was using old cardboard boxes, cartons, a variety of paper surfaces, collections of paints, he simply found a use for every artistic detail. I decided to do the same in my own life. Put me in any given artistic situation, and I will  do my best come up with an idea of how to turn nothingness into somethingness wither it is literal art, music, relationships, loving Jesus etc.

As I sat there stabbing the ancient crusted decaying paintbrush onto the thick slabs of cardboard clouds with freely thoughtful abstracts of blues and white while listening to my favorite Belorussian/Russian band Nuteki, it really got me thinking, how have I truly turned the trash that surrounds me into treasure while walking the beautiful streets of this life?

I've realized there are several seasons of life where I find myself so busy, I overlook and miss the details that surround me. Wither it is the sight of red rose, or a person I should have talked to, but just decided not too, judged them out and moved on. Maybe what we consider trash in our lives isn't necessarily actually worthless. Have we actually taken the time to look at it, and realize all the perspectives to somehow turn it into an artistic masterpiece?
Those moments of sadness and depression in our lives, those times we really hurt and cry out to God and ask WHY? KODEL? Usually our first instinct is to just take those moments and eternally throw them out because there seems to be no artistic or musical or joyful perspective. But I challenge you, what if there is, if you look deep enough, will you be able to find that glimmer of light in those seemingly unfavorable moments of life?

Maybe there is a person in your life that you pushed away, but in your heart you realize you must talk to them and revive the relationship,
Maybe you let your greatest passion, vision, and dream in life die, and Jesus keeps whispering to your beautiful inspiring soul to bring it back to life again for His glory,

I encourage you dearest friend to take those colorful shattered glass pieces of life that surround you, and to create  what may seem like an abstract nothingness into an artistic somethingness. <3

Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Art of Christianity & Secularism

I would like to take the time to write a personal elaborative response to a post by one of my favorite Christian metal  band's For Today. I am very proud of Mattie Montgomery (lead singer) of taking a stand on the issue of Christian bands touring with secular bands, as portrayed in the text to the right. Over the years, I have become very disappointed with the Christian music scene in general. Bands are simply not willing to collaborate with secular bands. Furthermore, several Christian communities (not to mention any specific names) from my experience tend to segregate "Christian" and "Secular" bands as if we are "White as snow" and they are as "Black as hell". I'm sorry, but there is something seriously WRONG with that. I believe Jesus calls us to love ALL OF HUMANITY. When does Jesus ever say to "SELECTIVELY love humanity". or "Only love those you want to love or feel comfortable loving!?"

This raises a whole other issue. Why are we as humanity, afraid to love those who are different from us? I would like to share a personal example. Growing up, I was quite free to express myself through art  more or less. Especially when I entered my university years, fashion was of high importance to me. I started creating wild punk hairstyles and boldly expressing them. I started gauging (creating tunnels) in my ears because I really enjoy that look. I also got a tattoo to express my love for Jesus to my people in Lithuania.  For me this is completely normally adventerous, I don't have to think twice about the physical appearance decisions I made. I wouldn't even consider myself to be an artistically extreme body modificator. I remember before I moved to Eastern Europe, I was part of an evangelistic Christian music/art community, and I was accepted for who I was and not judged. Whether this be my faith, visions, dreams, or outward appearance. Then I moved to a very conservative community in Eastern Europe. That is where the judgement began. People may not directly state it, but I know what they are thinking. I am not a naive child. I have also experienced direct judgemental remarks of my  outward apperance.....from the supposed "Christian community". In all honesty,  I am SO DISAPPOINTED. No words will ever describe. It breaks my heart how someone can be so "closed-minded" ( I really hate using this term, forgive me, but SERIOUSLY) We are all created in the Holy precious Almighty image of YESHUA. What good does it do to your heart and soul to "judge someone out". Do you as a Christian, actually think, you are winning God's approval or something? Sorry to bring a vain tear to your eye, but you are NOT. For example, let's say you met a young man who had tattoos on both arms and both legs and on his neck. Who do you think you are to say that he is "A bloody hellish damned sinner?" You don't even KNOW him. You've never even SPOKEN with him.
You never even bothered to ask for his name. Who knows, what if he is a Christian musician, a pastor, an evangelist? LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING.  In 1 Samuel 16:7 it is written, The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."     

Going back to my thoughts on the Christian v. Secular band issue, what good is it if Christians stay on their side of the fence? In order to truly love humanity to it's fullest capacity, You have to love all people. Don't reject secular bands because they may not love Jesus like you do. So what? (YEAH, I just said that) Simply be that example of the love of Jesus in their lives and don't judge them. Remember what first inspired you to accept Jesus?  That moment of sweet, loving embrace that just hugged the heart and soul of who you are?  We need more Christians to go into the darkest corners of society. If we don't go, who will? You can't just expect someone to know Jesus and develop a personal relationship if you don't take your cute bottom off that couch and go do something about it. ( I just had to use that analogy)  

My prayer everyday is that we as Christians would continue to fall so in love with Jesus, ever so passionately, that He would give us that heart to love ALL PEOPLE. Regardless of outward appearance or what music they create.

Friday, November 28, 2014

If It Was All A Loss

If it was all a loss, it was SO worth it
7,333 kilometers almost 2 years later,
If I would have known, I would have not come, but I did not know.....
It was worth to kill the curiosity of my other cultural half,
It was SO worth it just to see her hope filled smile....
It as SO worth it, to get lost in his beautiful blue-green Baltic Sea glass eyes
It was worth every laugh, every tear, every scar, every painful moment,
to walk in the shoes of my own flesh and blood,
to feel how they really feel,
to see life truly through their eyes....
If it was all a loss...
it was the most beautiful one of my life...
A moment so perfectly intricately interwoven in time with its aurora of nature, scenery, building, people and plots,
a rare glimpse of a unique abstract of life,
that chose only a few people to reveal itself to,
One can only understand if having spiritually and physically been in that breathe of a moment...
If it was truly all a loss,
thank you dearest Jesus for this inspiring tragedy of creative captivity....<3 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Lost in His Loving Arms

Today, it finally hit me,
as I was walking through the most painful ice piercing unpleasant wind, under the grayest saddest mid-autumn sky.....
what I should have realized many long years ago,
As I found myself lost in the cursed and blessed identity of "Lithuanian American" or whatever that  doesn't matter anymore.
The simple truth was finally revealed to me
As I look back on my life, I realized that I never necessarily fit in anywhere. There always seemed to  be that part of me that was missing, lost in another world, another time, another indescribable hidden place.
As I continued to look back on my short lived life of 21 years,
realizing all the cultures of people I found myself in,
all the countries visited,
and experiences gone through,
I feel so blessed to have looked into each of their beautiful eyes......
Oh how I will never forget those forever gone precious moments,
held close to my heart into the vastness of eternity........
I cannot believe it took well over 60,000 kilometers of endless wanderings for my heart to realize,
it wasn't found in the church,
it wasn't found on that worship team,
it wasn't found in that supposed christian organization,
it wasn't found in that band,
it wasn't found in that musician,
it wasn't found in that interpretation of art,
it wasn't found in a certain style,
It was DEFINITELY not found in the American identity,
to bloody hell with the supposed Lithuanian identity,
You know where I found this  missing part?
All along, I was meant to be lost in Jesus loving arms,
His most Holy, sweet, warm, welcoming, loving, peaceful, and inspiring embrace.....

Oh foolish child, I say to the breathless wind, why so long to realize  your heart's passion ?

Sunday, November 2, 2014

My Apology

I'm sorry that I was never enough for you
I'm sorry that I was not all that you dreamed that I would be
I'm sorry that I disappointed you
I'm sorry I left you hanging in the Eastern European cold
I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself
I remember those days where it used to be so exciting to meet the entire world
So absolutely, utterly artistically inspiring,
I don't know what happened,
maybe it was the country,
maybe it was the climate,
maybe it was the realization that I would never fit in to the flesh and blood of my past.
Maybe it was the haunting emotionless, lifeless dead expression on the faces
Maybe it was depression,
Maybe it was the sensing that the presence of God was not strongly felt since walking the soil,
I question why,
Why all this struggle, pain, to seemingly satisfy a curiosity that costed one's life?
Indeed the sacrifice was too great.
But one cannot turn back the clock,
The reality of life pierces my heart like the sharpest sword,
but I hope one day you can find the strength forgive me,
This season of life is so short,
right now it seems like the darkest abyss,
but oh, what a  mere breath of life,
it  shall pass, like an intricate white feather from a dove, dancing in the golden sea sunset...absolutely free....

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Emerald Green

Today I was reminded of how much I miss you
How I once forsook and disowned you
And left you standing there with tears in your eyes 
After Ieft you, I realized the beauty you possesed
You were a treasure in my heart that I kissed goodbye
As the years passed, I came across the ashes of my childhood love
You were withered and torn...and scarred....
Oh, what a foolish child I was,
To forget you and leave you like this.....

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Day I Died in Search of You

A poetic interpretation of an experience that forever altered my perspective on life.

There once was light......and there was darkness.........
and they somehow found themselves at war with each other......
The darkness evily smiled, blood dripping from it's lips like a venomous snake, the scales on its eyes blinded it from reality, as it's eyes rolled into the back of it's head revealing a tormented soul.......
the power of darkness slyly spoke...
"you are WORTHLESS"
"you're not smart"
" you will NEVER be good enough"
"just look at you, you're such a HUGE FAILURE"
"you have no power to change the world, you're stuck.....with no way out"
"All your hard efforts mean NOTHING"
"Everything you do is WRONG, it's BAD"
"DISCOURAGED?..Perfect........die in it....."

As light sat there and watched this horror unfold before her eyes, she confidently proclaimed back,
these young people before me,
They are all dearly loved PRECIOUS CHILDREN OF GOD,
They are SO WORTH IT in My eyes,
They have SO MUCH POTENTIAL to change the world and make it brighter, full of laughter and hope
They are ENOUGH. I accept them as they are.
They are the GREATEST MIRACLE that I smile upon everyday!
I pray for ENCOURAGEMENT in every are of their lives.

and the light said to the darkness:

"May every essence of you, be eternally banished to the depths of the abyss never to be seen again, I command you to LEAVE....NOW....TO HELL with your lies!!!"

and as I walked out that classroom.....I cried.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The Art of the Human Soul

The art of giving your heart and soul to a broken world is one of the most precious and beautiful endeavors you will ever experience.

There will be those who spit at your heart and soul, kick it, beat it up, mock it, reject it, underappreciate it, and think it is completely worthless.

There will be those who lovingly embrace it, cherish it, hold it, kiss it, and tell you, you are SO worth it. 

Are you willing to give your heart and soul away, for the glory of Yeshua? realizing there will be pain, suffering, but also relentless joy, hope, love, and miracles of the impossible?

Are you willing to love those who you know will reject you back?

Are you willing to risk it all for Jesus?

At the end of our lives I hope and pray we can look back on it, and say "IT WAS WORTH IT"

all the struggle, wrestling of thoughts, I pray we have no regrets, but rather a peaceful confidence knowing that we took up our cross everyday for our passion for Yeshua <3 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

My Classroom Prayer

I would like to dedicate this prayer to all the young people of Lietuva.

Father God, thank you SO MUCH for my brothers and sisters in this classroom. I pray forYour greatest blessing  over each of them, that You would give  each of them a revelation of Your heart and love. Be with them, pour out and anoint them with Your Holy Spirit. I pray how each of them may get to personally know You Jesus, send angels and people into their lives to show them who You are. Give them direction for what You have called them to do in the future, guide them with Your loving hand. Heal any areas of brokenness in their lives and fill them with Your hope, love, light, grace and confidence. Thank You so much for how precious they are in Your eyes Jesus. I give them back to You. Ahmen. <3 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Post "Post" Christian Generation

As I was walking the streets of Eastern Europe today,
my heart started to race,
the nervous sweat started to drip
and for the first time, the revelation of reality hit me. I am starting to become extremely concerned for my generation of Christians. Even at Christian university's the true salt and light of being a true follower of Jesus has clearly been lost. It's really disturbing. As many of us have heard that we live in a "Post Christian generation" from my observations, I would like to suggest that we now live in a "Post' "Post" Christian generation. By "Post Post" I mean to say that even the Christians in universities don't genuinely pursue a relationship with Jesus anymore. I realize this is a very bold statement to make, but I believe the time has come to expose things honestly as they truly are.

I would like to explain this concept with a metaphor. So imagine that there is a really long fence. On one side of the fence there is a nice green patch of luscious grass, and on the other side there is an edge of the cliff, with a drop off in which you can't even see the bottom, it merely looks like a black hole. This is how I would describe what following Jesus is like. On the green side you have what I call the "safety Christians" the ones who claim to follow Jesus, but choose to stay in their luxurious comfort zone. Then you have those Christians who are sitting on the fence, one foot touches the green grass, the other foot touches the edge of the cliff. They are "luke warm" and they simply can't decide if they want to stay on the safe side or jump off the cliff for Jesus. They sway back and forth, never quite making up their mind. Then there are those Christians that "jump off the cliff" for Jesus ,trusting that He will catch you at the bottom,  the radical followers who truly, genuinely passionately care about following Jesus and telling others about Him. They choose to go way out of their comfort zones, realizing many times they will feel quite uncomfortable. But this is where the true meaning and purpose of life will be found, living FULLY for Jesus, giving it your all, day in and day out. Yeah, the 2 other interpretations might sound safer and less controversial, but choosing to live those 2 other  lifestyles, you will never feel truly alive. You will always feel like something is missing in your heart and soul. 

So my challenge for you dearest will YOU choose to live your life for Jesus?

It just honestly breaks my heart, how my generation around me really doesn't seem care about Jesus or bother to take Him seriously. There seems to be a huge lack of radical passion for Jesus. It's one thing to go to church on sunday and "check it off your TO DO" list, it's another to be a true follower of Jesus.  This issue is not bound to just one culture, I have seen this in America, and especially have I seen this happen in Europe. I honestly begin to wonder, is the reason for the lack of passion for Jesus because our friends and the people around us, haven't truly experienced Jesus life changing love in their own lives? Is the reason we are not seeing lives radically transformed for Jesus because they haven't tasted and seen the power of the Holy Spirit?

So this leaves us with a very great challenge......and a very huge motivation to awaken the hearts of our dying generation.....what will we choose to do? Be passively accepting things as they are, or take that step of faith into the beautiful unknown and see our generation reignite their burning passion for Jesus? 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Cry of An Artist's Heart

I would like to dedicate the following reflection to us artists...

Several days ago I found myself dancing in my room to the song "Take Me Away" by Worth Dying For.....this SHOULD sound like a normal thing I do every day, but the sad reality of this fact, is that this happened for the 1st time in 6 months. For some reason, the past half year I lost my inspiration to dance for Jesus, and coming from someone like me, that indeed is a great artistic tragedy that should be unheard of......For some people, a song is simply a song, but we artists, I know for me, a song to my heart is like kissing the soul of who I am, it moves me so deeply like nothing else in this life can.  So when I am truly inspired by a song, I can't help but dance it back to Jesus. and as I was dancing like a 5 year old girl "twirling in my twirly dress" (Flyleaf), God gave me yet another revelation of His heart. I realized,

  even if no one else expresses our art, we have to be the orginators and expressors of our art.
I'm no naiive soul that I once was, in today's society we artists are so brutally murdered, artistically speaking. Society judges the artist like no other and somehow we must learn to express our art anyways regardless of this issue. Just think about it for a second, who can express you? I know that might sound like an obvious question, but do you realize dearest friend, that no one in this ENTIRE WORLD can express that song, dance, painting, guitar strum, speech, sport, dress style like YOU CAN. Try as your best friend might, he or she, cannot be the originator of your art, it is truly up to you, to show the world an artistic interpretation of who YOU are, which I believe is one of the most important beauties of this life.  Simply put, If we don't express the art that is in our soul, who is going to express it for us? 

  Also, we have this skewed global image that the world "must see our art". What if just our close loved ones see it? Isn't that enough? Will we still have motivation to do our art, even if it is never shown to "the world?"

I sense that we as a society get so caught up in "making it into the scene", wither it's music, art, academics, sports or something else that we forget our original purpose of why we do this certain art. Let's be honest, how many of us have got so caught up in "making it" that we end up feeling SO disappointed, rejected, judged and lonely? At the end of the day, was it "really worth the world's approval? Was it really worth to lose the heart and soul of who we are in exchange for gaining the whole world?  I'd like to think NOT. Sometimes we as humanity, think too BIG. We forget that the smallest steps can make the biggest differences. So even if you sing that song with your guitar to just your grandma or best friend, I believe the simple act of putting your creative thought into living and breathing action, is one of the greatest and most crucial steps that you can take as an artist. 

What is the motivation of my art? For Jesus or people?

(If this question REALLY intrigues you.....and gets you thinking......I will be doing a bible study this year that goes into great depth to explore this topic....just an fyi =)

This question really starts an UNCONTROLLABLY OUTRAGEOUS FIRE in my soul....

The longer I live this life, the more I realize that each artist that walks this earth, we are SO DIFFERENT from each other. Our styles and interpretations of life are definitely unique. That's the beauty of the artist, he or she offers this fresh perspective that the rest of the world never thought of.  With this, comes great pain, and great pleasure. I know for me personally, I am open to hearing people's stories and getting to know what inspires them, what passions, visions, and dreams lie hidden deep within their beautiful soul.... I realized that not everyone in this world shares, such an open perspective as this. I personally decided that I WILL NOT judge, reject, mock or disrespect someone's artistic interpretation of this life. It is simply not my place. I carry this mindset with me wherever I go. Unfortunately, I have met people throughout this life who are the opposite of this, and they judge the bloody hell out of us artists. It's sad to watch their narrow mindedness and lack of understanding. But I suppose there is a reason why we as humanity are the way we are, there had to be some situation, circumstance or person to make us like we are today.

So I would like to personally address the following to all those people in today's society who JUDGE us artists...this message is FOR YOU.  WE ARTISTS were created to start a GREAT CONTROVERSY for God's love. Wither you like how BOLD we are or not, WE WILL NOT BACK DOWN. WE WILL BE LOUD, COLORFUL, CRAZY, WILD, IN YOUR FACE, and most importantly PROVOCATIVE. As a Christian artist, we desire to PROVOKE others with our art to make a BOLD expression of how we desire to see society TRANSFORMED and CHANGED. If you have a problem with our PROVOCATIVENESS, then I suppose we can't be friends sadly.  WE WILL NOT CHANGE WHO WE ARE AS ARTISTS TO FIT INSIDE YOUR BOX THAT WE WERE NEVER CREATED TO FIT IN ANYWAYS.  WE WILL ARTISTICALLY EXPRESS OURSELVES UNTIL OUR LAST DYING BREATHS AND INTO ETERNITY. YOU WILL NEVER STOP THE ARTISTIC RHYTHM IN OUR HEARTS AND SOULS THAT JESUS SO GRACIOUSLY PLACED THERE.

At the end of the day, I believe that it's important to do our art for Jesus, from our purest of heart....He will bless it, wither it's just for our loved ones or for the whole world to see. 

Monday, August 4, 2014


You know what? Honestly speaking, life did not turn out as I expected.

Here's to all those moments where we remained silent and we should have spoken. To those moments we gave up and we should have persevered. For those relationships that should have worked out but never did. To those tears we cried that no one seemed to hear, to the pain in our hearts that seemed forgotten and abandoned.

Dearest friends, let us now light a candle in the darkness and pause for a moment of silence in remembrance...of what once was and never will be again...

I am deeply thankful, forever thankful, for the reality of this life, I have come to acceptance of who I am...IN CHRIST. The world may not like it, but I honestly DONT CARE anymore. I may be judged, mocked, spit on and rejected, but I REALLY DONT CARE anymore...we live in a world where we are afraid to accept who we truly are, myself included. Some things we can change...some things we is time for us to accept this reality...Government systems that are corrupted and people who were not taught how to love and respect one another, it is sad, it  breaks my heart and shatters my stained glass soul, as I wipe a tear from my hazel green eye and take one step forward and pray for God to wrap His loving arms around them. That is all I can do, the rest is up to Jesus. As I stare in the peaceful blood red cherry Baltic sunset, I realize there is a reason why flies thirst for the ink in an old parched dreams journal...
It reflects the society, where hearts are dying in the desert, Jesus will restore and breathe His life into us once again...

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Today something happened that usually NEVER happens to me.
I was sitting in the church service today, and the preacher called over to me  and said that he wanted to pray for me. I got up and stood in front of the entire church and he prayed.

Later that evening as I reflected back on the church service,  I just started to cry, for God gave me another revelation of His heart. He revealed to me in my heart that my people, we feel forgotten and overlooked by society. I know that I have felt these feelings lately and throughout my life during different seasons. My people of Eastern Europe, are hurting, and not just merely hurting, but deeply wounded and scarred.  We are scarred because of our pasts, we are afraid, really afraid. Our creativity has been thrown into the chains of bondage. We feel trapped, insecure, we don't show the world our true feelings. We keep these feelings of anger, sadness, depression, joy, and hope suppressed, we have become "masters of the art" of hiding who we really are, cause we are afraid if people see us for who we really are, they won't like us. My heart really started to break for all the young people in my city, and in Europe, all those hard and painful things of life that they are going through. I once heard this phrase from a wise Polish soul that the countries that need God the most experience the greatest miracles. I believe Lithuania is definitely one of those countries. I really believe Jesus is going to pour out His love in such a passionate way, that He is going to heal this haunting brokeness that exists amongst my people, He is going to wipe every tear away, and just hold our country in His everlasting loving embrace. I firmly believe that the greatest miracles have yet to come to dearest Lithuania..... 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The UNtop 40

I recently posted a status that suggested how much I dislike the top 40 songs that are globally known through out the world. In the following reflection, I would like to elaborate into intricate detail on my point.

First of all, as a child, I don't know what happened to the rest of the musical world, or did I grow up in a sheltered Midwestern box, but my childhood was deeply blessed with Christian music even since I was 8 years old. My dad gave me my first Christian music CD when I was that age....for those of you who are familiar this really dates me...the backstreet boy Christian "equivalent" known as the band "Plus One" their record titled  "The Promise".

From that moment one I started listening to Christian radio, I memorized every song, every lyrical line, every rhythm, I learned everything there possibly is to know about each musician who sang each song as was for a young girl my age. I honestly wonder if in today's society there is someone exactly like me who exists with the same passion for Christian music. It's like each of those songs and lyrics touched my heart and soul so deep, it's like the words are still to this day flowing through my blood and go with me wherever I go. It's hard to explain, so I hope that makes sense somewhat. and to this day, I haven't met not even ONE person who feels so deeply like this kind of music in such a way as I.

So as I grew up, I can honestly say God IMMENSELY BLESSED my childhood with so many Christian music,  festival and concert experiences.  This genre of music breathed such a new fresh artistically inspiring life into my heart, soul and mind. On my darkest days and brightest of days this Christian music was always the sunlight in my path of life. I don't think I realized how much this childhood past affected me until I moved to Europe.

When I moved to Europe, I realized my friends here hadn't experienced what I experienced as a child. and you know what? that really broke and moved my heart to do something. So I started sharing my Christian musical childhood past with them, wither it be talking about the bands and letting them listen to a few songs, because I really believe that passing on this inspiration is what God has called me to do. I really do desire to see the Christian music scene in Europe to develop, and it's such an honor and blessing to be a part of the beginning stages of this process. In all honesty, I wish every friend I have in Europe and outside of America, if there was a way for all of you to go back with me into my Christian musical childhood past to experience every song as deep as I did, every concert, every festival, I would trade places with you in a heart beat. <3

Growing up I was considered the strange girl who listened to strange music. I honestly was never a fan of the top 40 hits of the world. When it comes to music, I am a very strict listener of lyrics. The lyrics must be in a way God breathed or I most likely won't listen to it...So imagine walking in my musical shoes, coming from a background where poetic artistic inspiring lyrics are flowing through my blood and veins, and my ears for the first time here the lyrics of the "top 40"...I was so disgusted by the low quality, I have no words. It was an utter meaningless embarrassment to my ears. Now don't get me wrong or mistaken here, I AM NOT writing this blog reflection to JUDGE others musical tastes or them. I believe there is a reason why everyone listens to the music that they do. The longer I lived in Europe the more I realized those top 40 hits are famous LITERALLY everywhere...America....Lithuania, Macedonia, Serbia, Bosnia, Montenegro, Austria, Germany, Czech Republic, Poland, Italy.....this music that has such a huge influence on humanity......the same EVERYWHERE.....I felt like everyone around me had conformed to listening this genre and that I was the only one who had a blessed and unique musical experience that no one else around me seemed to share.

I'm going to be honest, just because THE ENTIRE WORLD  seems to listen to a certain kind of music DOES NOT MEAN you have to CONFORM and be like "everyone else"...IF you want to talk to a living example of someone who chose to do her own musical thing, and not be like the rest of the world, seriously feel free to talk to me about my experience of life...I LOVE alot....obnoxiously alot. Never feel like you have to fit in...cause you know what dearest friend? We were never meant to fit in in this world according to God's heart. I was a musical artistic OUTCAST literally my entire life, and I used to be SO ASHAMED of it, but over the years, I have learned to embrace this very unique experience of life that God has blessed me to live, and to share this with the rest of humanity.  Trust me, I know all to well what it feels like to stand alone for something I believe in when nobody else around me does. Honestly, what the world needs is more people who are willing to NOT be afraid to stand out and make a radical IN YOUR FACE difference for Christ. To be THAT OUTCAST in society.....

I should have been more honest with my friends growing up, I despised the top 40 so much, they assumed I liked it, but those songs never resonated with my heart. I honestly never understood people who could listen to "meaningless" songs cause for me, my heart listened to every lyric and interpreted the meaning. Don't get me wrong again, the musicians who wrote  these songs, there is a clear reason why they wrote them, and it is a reflection of their heart. The human heart in this case in these songs reflect the themes of sex, love relationships, money, fame, drugs, or just having a chill good time.  Not all these songs are necessarily "bad" but overall from my musical childhood past, my heart simply naturally doesn't resonate with them. And YES I do realize most people in Europe grew up listening to these songs because it was probably the only music on the radio considered to be cool, and everyone around them was listening to the same music, and obviously the concept of Christian music radio didn't exist for them. So it's perfectly understandable why alot of the world chooses to identify themselves within the popular music scene.

So after much thought, several days ago, I FINALLY came to the conclusion that Jesus wants me BOLDLY and LOUDLY share my Christian musical childhood past with the rest of the world...inspiring one dear soul at a time...with the UNtop 40......=)

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Dreamer

This is the country where dreams go to die.

I stood there frozen, looked them in the eyes and replied, "I am a dreamer..."
The voices grew louder,
THIS is THE country where dreams DIE....
My heart started to race as I said a little louder, "I AM a dreamer..."
A tear streamed down my face, and I hopefully and calmly said...."I am a dreamer..."
I continued to look at them, deeply into their eyes, their gaze not losing mine and I confidently proclaimed,

"Viešpaties Dvasia ant manęs
nes jis patepė mane
kad neščiau gerają naujieną vargdieniams
Pasiuntė skelbti belaisviams išvadavimo
akliesiems regėjimo
siuntė vaduoti prislėgtujų
ir skelbti Viešpaties malonės metų..."  Luko 4,18-19

and somehow out of the blackened barren ashes of scarred hearts and soul torn flesh I found the strength to carry on...

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


The gospel is OFFENSIVE
The gospel is PROVOCATIVE
The gospel is TRUE LIFE!

I WILL NOT and CHOOSE NOT to compromise Jesus', life, death and Resurrection.
I must portray the reality of Christ
I DID NOT come here to become a smoldering fire that slowly dies out, rather, I came here to put fuel on the fire so that it would EXPLODE into great flames...spiritually speaking,
Please DON'T put Christianity in your "safe box" or try to sell me your watered down version.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Reflections of being an Eastern European missionary

Once again I would like to be a voice for those of us who are Eastern European missionaries.
After 1 year Jesus has revealed and taught me so much of his heart that I can't help but share with you dearest friend. 

The Art of Being Yourself:
The whole phrase, "Make sure you are culturally sensitive" I took a little too far this past year. Yes, it's important to blend in with the culture, but too a certain extent. I decided to deny my past and pretended that it never existed. You know the saying "l lived like it never happened" but God has called is to "live like it did happen"..I was ashamed of it.  I realized I will probably never be "fully Lithuanian". And you know what, for the first time in my life, I have come to peace with it, and I am okay with that. I am who I am today because of my past.  I was hiding who I truly was. God taught me not to be ashamed of my Christisn music childhood past in America and all those beautiful experiences associated with that. He taught me that I must be my true self, wearin that wine is everything bright red lipstick, red roses in my dreadlocked hair, bright colored floral scarf, bright red nail polish, and not to lose my smile. I'm embarrassed to admit the following, but this past year I actually started dressing less colorful to fit in with the people around me. I was never so miserable in my life. I was so stupid trying to be someone I was not.  

God taught me that he wants to use the stories of my past, to inspire others in Lithuania to dream big and follow the passions in their hearts

When he revealed this to me, I fell on my knees and started to cry, who was I to be ashamed of who my dearest Jesus created me to be? That God wanted to use to bless others lives?So now I confidently speak my mind, dress boldly & colorfully and choose to share my past with others to inspire them. 

I may never fully be accepted by my people, they may think I am too bold and too radical for Jesus, dress too much like a metal head, but you know what? Regardless, it was SO worth it to be my complete self and live out my unique interpretation of life that God created me to show this world...

A side note for the young women in the ministry:
Especially with international missions, we literally run into beautiful men everywhere in Europe. I learned my lesson: be yourself, don't be afraid to be stupid, if a guy REALLY likes you, he must be willing to love ALL of you, or he is not worth it.  If he"s embarrassed or ashamed of any part of who God created you to be, he is not worth your time. In the wise words of one of my dearest Lithuanian sisters, "If he wants me...he will take me..." 

So girl, go out into this beautiful world and show those young European men the highest possible standard of a godly woman that is passionately in love with Jesus.....AND leave them speechless.....=D d

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Walking In Your Lietuva Shoes

As I woke up to my unescapable reality,
I realized what the consequences  of my actions had led me to,
I decided to move back to a land that I THOUGHT was my home,
a place where I THOUGHT I belonged,
but honestly some days, or MOST days I feel like a stranger as I look into the eyes of what I was told was my OWN flesh and blood,
In my heart, I really truly decided to give YOU a try...
to feel what you feel,
to see what you see,
I walked in your shoes,
literally, down those barren streets,
I smiled when you smiled,
I cried when you cried,
I hurt when you hurt,
I slept in your bed,
I curled up in your blanket,
I sang under your stars,
I ate the food you ate,
I wore your clothes,
and now I am slowly beginning to understand what it feels like to be you...
I promised myself it was impossible for the human soul to break,
but honestly the other day my soul shattered like glass,
and I definitely lost some of those pieces, that I will probably never find again,
for they have been trampled on,
and crushed by the bottoms of a passerbyer's shoes,
who unconsciously never seemed to care anyways...
this brokeness haunts me,
it never seems to leave,
my heart genuinely cries for you,
the pain is unbearable sometimes,
every day I ask God to break my heart for my dearest people,
my most beautiful dearest country,
so I can somehow get a better picture,
of how it truly feels to be you,
in every possible way,
some days I honestly want to give up,
consider the situation hopeless,
 and move on,
but I know better than to do that,
or at least I hope somewhere in my heart there will be the strength to go on,
During this time of my life I have SO many questions,
with absolutely NO answers,
but admist this chaos,
this maze that I willingly chose to get lost in,
to fully embrace God's heart,
I know that it will somehow be worth it in the end...

Fly Away <3

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Words Left Unspoken

Today as I was scrolling through facebook, I came across a quote that made my heart freeze....

"If you love someone, Tell them, because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken".

I can honestly say, this has to be one of my life quotes. It really got me thinking about my own life. I was taken aback and convicted by the phrase "words left unspoken". I can't even begin to count how many times in my life, where I should have said something to a person, but I decided to forever hold my silence and not tell them. I'm sure dearest friend you can relate to this situation.

When it comes to evangelism, this quote really touches my heart. I'm challenged from the perspective, if I truly love humanity, and the people around me, I will speak words of life, the gospel and Jesus Christ to them. To be silent about the reason why I am truly alive and passionate about life, would be one of the greatest sins to ever commit in my opinion. Honestly, throughout my life, I remember many times throughout my life when I have heard God's voice prompting me to speak to a certain person, but out of fear of the unknown, I keep silent. That is one of the regrets of my life that I have thus far. All those conversations of life where I have chosen to be quiet rather than speak my heart. So everyday, I make it a goal to simply speak my heart to others, for who knows how many days we have on this earth? I really try to remind myself of that perspective.

Also, being a missionary in Europe for the past 3 years of my life has taught me so much about relationships. I vividly remember one missions trip about two years ago, when I was in Macedonia. I remember when my missions team, about 20 of us were waiting in the capital, Skopje, at the airport. My missions professor made all the girls in our group raise our  right hand and repeat these following words. "I, Aistė Miškinytė promise NOT to bring home a Macedonian boyfriend." The irony in those words I tell you.....I think I almost did....As a missionary, especially a young lady, I'm going to be honest, seriously, if God has called you to be a missionary in Europe...........let's be really honest, the stereotype is true....European men are hott and drop dead gorgeous... (that in itself is a HUGE UNderstatement) .well at least most of them. From my experience as I start to fall in love with the culture around me, it's hard not to become distracted by all those European seriously.....if you walk down any street corner in's like you wish you could marry the first 100 young European men that you see.  and as the above quote applies to this circumstance, I felt very convicted again. As I reflect back on my life, I'm a really shy personality when it comes to this issue. I will not go out of my way to tell a young man that I really like him. It may be obvious in his face, but I really don't take initiative to do so. Wither this is a good thing or bad, I have yet to find out.....Looking back, there have been too many words left unspoken, where I should of told him, but I didn't,....all 25 times..... and at first I had huge regrets, but I guess to contradict myself, I'm glad I chose to remain silent in those cases...On a funny missionary young lady side note...just from speculation, it seems as if the longer I wait...the young men that God blesses me to cross paths with keeps getting better and better...It's like a miracle...seriously......God is truly TOO GOOD....

So my dearest friend, I encourage you to take this quote into deep consideration and apply it to your life. Who are those loved ones in your life, or that person that needs to hear those "words left unspoken" that are stirring deep within your heart, soul and mind? Go tell them truly, how much they mean to you, for who knows what tomorrow will bring....or even IF there will be a tomorrow......

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Art of Being a Christian-Lithuanian METAL-head

I would like to dedicate the following reflection to all of us Christian metal heads. We are a genre of people that have been misjudged by society and I would like to make right all the wrongs that have been assumed about us. In advance, I would like to say that this perspective could possibly be offensive and politically incorrect. I believe that life is too short to be worried about what offends us and what does not.

As I enter what is known as the "Decade of the 20s" I choose to identify myself as a Christian-Lithuanian metal head. Just like some people are straight, others are gay, some believe in God, others don't, some like classical music, others like rock......also an important note, it is crucial to remember throughout our lives as Christians, at the end of the day, we are all Children of God, our TRUE IDENTITY is found in Jesus Christ.....secondly, as God has blessed us to live on this earth, our second identities are found in our various passions, visions, dreams. I would like to focus on this "2nd identity".

So what exactly makes us different? Well, firstly sometimes metal music is stereotyped for being a "Satanic genre".......I would like to share with you the lyrics of my favorite Christian metal band, For Today

"Father, forgive him. My blood is sufficient for him."
Though I had nothing left to give,
It had already been given as perfect provision.
So, gladly, I gave my life
To the only One who could save my life.
Dead to rights.
He took my place and saved my life.

And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged, every man according to their works. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death." [Revelation 20:13-14]

So basically, for people who mistake "ALL" metal as to being Satanic, in this case, you just called the gospel of Jesus Christ, satanic... quite controversial if you ask me.....As Christian metal heads, we are different because we love Jesus and believe in a personal relationship with Him. So basically adding the "Christian" lens changes the stereotyped perspective.

Also, I would like to bring to attention how we choose to dress. You can see us with tattoos, gauges (tunnels), piercings, crazy hair, bright red lipsticks, and makeup, lace up black leather boots, black leather jackets, fishnet tights, bold shades of reds, blacks, any color that stands out, and finger less gloves. This is simply how we choose to artistically express ourselves. From a christian perspective, I personally don't see anything wrong or immodest with what I just described as the metal fashion. I personally believe tattoos and making holes in your ears is simply artistic expression. In fact, I plan on getting at least 1 tattoo sleeve eventually, I just haven't decided which arm yet. We might look scary or intimidating from the outside, but in reality we are just normal people like everyone else, who happen to have a sense of creative fashion.

Metal haters: You know who you are. I personally used to be one of them. Growing up, I had this very skewed view of metal music. I realized in the end, when it comes to Christian-metal music, I totally judged the entire art from a biased lens, and didn't take the time to get to understand the perspective. Just because someone listens to Christian-metal music, doesn't make the satanic.I believe that God has called all of us to reach different people groups wither it be through metal or worship music...NEITHER genre is better than the other in God's eyes at the end of the day.....  I hate to make "ministry challenge comments"...but seriously, my metal music ministry VERSES your worship music ministry has potential to reach people for Christ. Some people relate better to metal, while others relate better to worship, rock, classical, hiphop, rap or other genres. At the end of the day my music ministry will succeed and yours will probably as well for God's glory.For example, take Wacken festival, which is Germany's largest secular metal music festival. About 80,000 people atttend this festival at the end of July...........if we Christian metal heads didn't exist, who would reach this lost people group for Christ? To completely REJECT 80,000 souls because of the stereotype of metal music is "Satanic" would be ever so COMPLETELY stupid. What is the point of "IGNORING" this evangelistic need?

 This is where God's beauty of creativity of evangelism comes in. As I've written in previous blogs, we are each called to reach people for Christ through our own unique, inspiring and individual way, no two evangelistic styles are exactly the same.  I believe ALL styles of evangelism are essential in order to effectively reach humanity for Jesus Christ.

I believe in the art of loving all of humanity equally regardless if I have anything in common or not.  I also strive to be that person who accepts everyone, because I remember being that girl in highschool (mokykla) who was rejected by society.I would never choose to relive those very dark, depressing days of mokykla. I was that girl who loved Jesus, Christian-music, art, europe & russia. No one around me exactly shared these same passions. I barely had any friends during that time in my life. I felt like even the friends I had during that time, truly did not understand the pain and rejection of life that I was feeling. Nobody around me understood my double cultured perspective. Nobody around me even knew what "Lithuania" was....they assumed it was in Africa or something. I honestly know those feelings too well. seriously...TOO WELL.... It got to the point where I seriously wanted to kill myself and end it all.....THANK GOD to this day I am actually still ALIVE..I prayed to God after the traumatic highschool experience that He would heal me from such deep scars...and by His amazing grace He erased the emotional pain associated with that experience and most of the bad memories have been forgotten and blocked out. But God used this very horrible experience of my life to teach me one of THEE GREATEST MOST VALUABLE lessons of my life. Since I have been in those shoes of feeling "NOT INCLUDED, REJECTED AND OUTCASTED BY SOCIETY" I make sure to INCLUDE EVERYONE I MEET. If I see someone who is left out in society socially, I ALWAYS make sure to include them. I do my best to be kind to everyone, and make sure no one is left out. I once took this spiritual gifts test, and my #1 gift was INCLUDER...figures I suppose.......Like I feel SO BAD to see a dear child of God being rejected by society....My goal in life is to ALWAYS make sure people feel  loved, welcome and secure. If I have accomplished those 3 things, then I can truly say I have lived my life to the fullest with no regrets. and so with this perspective in mind, that is why I personally, as a Christian choose NOT to judge ANYONE, wither they are straight, gay, have purple hair, a million tattoos, like metal music, or classical or rock.............that feeling of living human being should EVERY have to experience such a horror as this.....

Furthermore, Christian-metal goes onto addressing the “dark issues of society that we are too ashamed to admit”.  Christian metal takes  a controversial issues such as human trafficking, broken family relationships, sex, drugs, alcohol etc, and screams how something must be done to change this. The change in this case would be Jesus Christ, HE is TRULY the only hope in all those issues mentioned. That IS THE HEART of Christian metal, bringing LIGHT into the DARKNESS.  To deny that heavy issues like these exist, is to avoid the reality of the human experience.  Jesus did NOT come to save the healthy, but the sick.
Also, there is a REASON behind the metal vocalist’s screams. General society assumes that anything screamed is truly “satanic”. From a Christian-metal perspective a scream in this case describes an emotion of hope, passion, a desperate plead to God for Him to move mightly amongst His people……….that is what makes Christian metal COMPLETELY different from secular metal. Don’t get me wrong, also within Christian-metal, the screams can also can  mean sadness, depression, hopelessness, anger, rage….BUT the key difference in this case is that in the end, those screams end in HOPE. That JESUS is truly the HOPE and the reason and purpose for the meaning of life.

So at the end of the day instead of wasting our precious time on this beautiful earth arguing and disagreeing with one another when it comes to evangelizing through metal or any other genre of music, I think it’s time to rise above such a childish standard, and simply go proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ to the world through our creative and unique giftings.

 I would like to end on a controversial and thoughtful note…….in the wise lyrical words of Mattie Montgomery, lead metal vocalist of the band For Today, he screams, “Dead men tell no tales. Make no mistake, time is running out...." 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Saying Goodbye

Is this what life has come to?
Saying goodbye
As I stared out my window this morning, 
It was as if my own city was crying
The grey dreariness 
Is this what life truly is all about?
Moving to and living in different parts of the world all your life
Meeting beautiful people
Falling in love with them and their hearts
Then as the seasons pass, it comes time to say goodbye?
And move on? 
So is this truly the seasons of life?
I wish we could all live together in the same place of the world,
But if we did, 
In reality, what would be the point of life?
If we were all in the same place, 
The beautiful challenge to come back to you, and fight with all my heart to be with you,
Would not be there, 
Perhaps that is one of the reasons why life exists, 
Simply doing everything we can, to come  back to the ones we love.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

"Creative English": A "normal" English speakers guide to poetic thought Part 1

I believe "Creative English" should be considered as a completely another language. I don't know about you, but for those of us who speak this kind of English....we tend to leave "normal" English speaking society quite confused as we talk with colorful metaphors, poeticness, similes, alliteration, parallelism, and so on. I would like to take my dear time to "define", "interpret" and "translate" several of my own phrases.....

"Artistically Inspiring" (wither that be a young European man, a building, a painting, a piece of jewelry, a stained glass window, or some unusual abstractness)

"He reminds me of a an orange flavored strawberry:"
1.He is a musical narcissist at heart.
2. He is peculiar, but has admirable qualities, and such beautiful sea glass eyes.

"Everything I say is a sarcastic lie": (Figure out this's easy...=P)

"Walking the streets of this beautiful life"- as life is lived many wonderful people were met and great experiences happened that forever hugged and kissed one's soul.

"Colorful alibis and scandalous smiles"- a genre of young European careful with such as him.

"Oh how he loves potatoes"- He's full of himself. Arrogance is his morning cup of tea.

"Oh how the Russian tables have turned"- expected turn of events, good for the protagonist, unfortunate for their enemy.

"The scars remain"- not physical, but rather emotionally, internally, soulfully, heartily.

"It was as if heaven descended upon earth" a life situation was so beautiful it felt like Divinity had overshadowed it.

"It's like I died and could never be resurrected again"
- experienced such an embarrassing moment you never want to show your face in public ever again....OR you were so happy it was like just BEYOND frikin happy.

"I was left so speechless"- A life situation which you were so shocked (usually a good thing) your over social personality literally has no words to speak.

"One bite never hurt anyone" - in reference realization to Eve, when she took a bite of that tempting red juicy apple, all of humanity was destructed and sin entered the world.

Don't laugh too hard....=P To be continued...Part 2

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Perspective: Eastern Europe vs. America

I'd like to take a moment to offer some perspective on various things I've learned and experienced this past year, and several realizations and realities of life that have been revealed to me. Having the blessing and curse of growing up with two cultural lenses, I would like to express my criticism and upliftedness towards these cultures. Since I have experienced both these cultures, I believe I have every right to simply say how it is....wither it is offensive or not. If you don't like needles, the following reflection might sting you a little bit....

Musical Perspective: One thing I've noticed about Eastern Europe is it's perfectionism. I used to be like that as well, up until I was 15, and then I decided not to be perfect. That was the best decision of my life. I am much more free as a person. I've heard this phrase on the streets of Lietuva..."If you're not perfect at it...don't do it".....basically for things such as music, art, etc.....When I was living in America I was taught the perspective everything is possible. You can become anything that you want to be when you grow up. So I believed it with my whole heart. and now, as a young adult, looking back I wouldn't say I necessarily believe it with all of my heart...then on the other hand, in Eastern Europe I've noticed the perspective that is taught "Be realistic....You CAN'T become anything you want to be....most things ARE NOT now I find myself stuck somewhere in the middle...I don't completely agree with either perspective...I notice in Eastern Europe this perspective has infected my generation like a incurable disease...Many passions, visions, and dreams, have died because of this. My heart and soul cries and breaks over this thought.

So when it comes to music, Lietuva expects perfection. I'm sorry my dearest country, but it's time to wake up to the 21st century. Not everyone is born pure Mozarts.and you know what? that's okay. I completely disagree with the perspective that someone has to be perfect musically to be considered a "musician" in Eastern Europe. That is an old trend that is outdated and long gone in opinion. Especially within the Christian music scene in Europe, which seems like it was born yesterday.......cause in reality it was, I identify with many people within this circle. We are simply people who love Jesus with all our hearts, souls, and minds who have a passion to serve through doing music ministry. We may not necessarily all be perfect Mozarts, and I think that is just fine. The world needs more musicians who not just do music...but LOVE Jesus AND LOVE Music at the same time. And in this part of the world, when someone is rejected because they are not a musical perfectionist...I'm sorry that's just wrong...If God places a musical passion to glorify Himself in someone's heart, who are you to reject that person? You must have no soul to commit such an act....honestly speaking.......

Cultural Perspective: Out of all the places I've EVER lived in my life, I have never been SO offended and SO  blessed at the same time....How can these two concepts happen at the same time?....I don't know...I've often wondered that myself...It's like when I woke up in the morning these past almost 9 months, I knew in the back of my mind, I was going to be offended at least 20 times, and blessed 20 times as well all on the same day....and you guessed right this ALL goes back to my blessing and cursing in life.....being born into a two cultured situation. God, seriously....this part of the world..,...Eastern Europe...I forgot how STRONG cultural identity dear God of's SO SICKENLY STRONG.....What really bothers me is how judgmental people are...I'm sorry, but if you're going to judge someone based on their cultural might as well just go to hell in my book.....If you don't take the time to get to know my life, my story, the heavens, hells, depressions, sadnesses and joys of  what it took to for me to be here and sacrifice my old life so I could live in this country..I really have no respect for you. Not at all.

We're not nationalities, we're all children of God at the end of the day. When we die, God isn't going to look at our passports, or some document, and judge us according to that. Just saying. Your cultural identity DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE IN GOD'S EYES...remember's quite important....

Another thing I simply can't stand about humanity are the "culture haters".....I "hate" to break it to you...but YOUR culture IS NOT the "best" one. God loves ALL people and ALL cultures the same. In as sense I used to be a little like that. I would choose which culture group of people I would like, and which one I would not associate myself with....sounds horrible doesn't it? I know it truly is. Since from the day I was born, I have had to balance two cultures, and God has blessed me with opportunities to walk life with MANY cultures, I can honestly say those experiences of crucially shaped me to who I am today. At the end of my life when I look back, I desire to confidently say with no regrets, "Jesus, I chose to LOVE EVERY PERSON FROM EVERY CULTURE that you blessed me to meet in this beautiful life, for YOUR GLORY".....

One of the hardest things as a Christian that you will EVER have to do...especially for those of us who are involved with cross-cultural missions, is LOVING those cultures who don't necessarily LOVE you back......

I strike myself as that person who ALWAYS have to offer that extra mercy and grace to someone. I have to culturally blend my personality in a way to fit that cultural context or situation. I don't necessarily mean that I change the heart and soul of who I am, but basically when I first meet someone and get to know them, I do a quick analysis of how I can adapt to and best relate to the person in way that is relevant to who they are...This is truly a "social art' that God has been teaching me the past several years of my life, especially this year....If I were to be in those same social situations 5 years ago,...I probably wouldn't have met at least 90% of the friends that I know now. I would have been way too shy and under confident. Overall, I'm a VERY UNDERSTANDING person. I have honestly lived through many life situations, and I really do understand where humanity is coming from. I like to make sure I am as genuine, transparent, honest, and original to everyone I meet. I'm the type of person, if you're drinking coffee and it comes out of your nose and splashes all over your leather jacket, I won't judge you. I won't make fun of you. =) cause I've done that many times myself. Like yeah, so I may look like a high maintenance over fashionable Lietuve, with bright red lipstick, wild personality....but that's just the external of how I express myself, internally my heart of hearts is to simply relate to humanity, and be a reflection of Christ. =)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A Response to the "Mockers"

You laugh at me now...but 10 years from "now" you will have your mouth completely shut.

YOU laugh at me NOW...but 10 YEARS from NOW YOU will have YOUR mouth completely SHUT.

YOU LAUGH AT ME NOW...but 10 years from now......YOU WILL HAVE your mouth completely SHUT.


I have made a commitment to relentless and passionately pursue Jesus, until my last dying breath......
If you throw rocks in my eyes, I will still keep going......
If you punch me in the face, nevertheless I will continue on my journey.....
If you push me down, I will get back up like nothing ever happened.....

So who are YOU to LAUGH?
Who are YOU to MOCK?

I pray one day that the snake scales would fall off your blinded and misled eyes....

I know the God whom I serve, who I pray to, I see the beginning of it all and I see the end, and this end concludes in VICTORY.

Pure VICTORY in the loving arms of God....<3

Stand Defiant by For Today:

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Taking the Church Outside the Walls

This morning, as I was seeking God's heart, He inspired me with the following, and as always, I just thought I would share with you my dearest friend...

As I was praying,
I was reminded of one of the music festival's vison's statement from childhood, the vision statement expresses “Taking the Church outside the walls, bringing Light into the darkness with the life-changing message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Alan Greene, Lifelight Music Festival)
And I was thinking, you know? This whole message of Jesus Christ rising again on Easter morning, it's so TRULY is......but honestly, what good is this Easter message if you don't even bother to take it OUTSIDE the church walls...I've lost count of how many easter services I've gone to my entire life...and of course it's always the same "usual" message.......I live in a country where people are DYING to know the truth....I walk by them every day on the streets, every single day....and what do I do? I simply walk by them, as their heart, soul, and mind continues to become more broken, more lost as they fill their lives with empty and worthless things that will truly never satisfy them. Honestly, what good is the Easter message, if I just go to church, digest the same message, and don't bother to proclaim this hope to the world? I was shocked where my thoughts of criticality were coming from, but honestly, it's so true in my life, as I sure it is the same in yours.

Growing up when I was younger, I was afraid to share my faith with others. Especially verbally proclaiming it. I believe that Jesus has blessed us all with uniquely individual, beautiful and original styles for His glory. I know for me, even to this day, I express my faith in Jesus Christ best through music, art and sharing my story with other people. As much as I endlessly LOVE talking with humanity, when I sing of God's love to people, my entire heart and soul, is just poured out in such a way, that differs from when I simply talk to someone.  From personal evangelistic experience, I believe that there are TWO types of evangelistic styles: Longterm and Shorterm. By long term, for example, this is my style. I meet someone on the streets of life, at a university, you name the place, and firstly I establish a friendship with them..I don't necessarily tell them that I am a Christian, I just let them figure it out slowly as I live my life. After I have established are really close and geuniue friendship relationship with them, and we know that we can both trust each other with are thought perspectives on life, THAT'S when I directly start telling them about Jesus...wither this period takes several days, months, years, decades, honestly depends on the person. and honestly for me, this has been the most effective style to lead people to Jesus in my life.

On the other hand, the short term evangelistic style, is basically where you meet a person (this is the style I believe we traditionally think of when we think of the word "evangelism") and you straight up tell them about Jesus on the spot, even though you just met them about 10 seconds ago. Personally, I don't like this style, and I think it is too "in your face" but I have met quite alot of people in my life where God has given them the gift of short term evangelistic style and long term as well. I myself have found myself in endless short term situations, and I have realized that this style is definetly not my God given gift. I am DEF more of a long term evangelizer. I believe each style of evangelism has it's time and place depending on the context of the situation, and which culture you happen to find yourself in. I HIGHLY encourage you to go and find what your evangelistic style is.....

Living in Lithuania, has taught me an endless amount of life perspective. Let's be really honest for a few moments. We are truly a "RESERVED" people group. That's just simply who we are, and we have to learn to deal with it. Not all of us, but the majority of us, and there is simply NOTHING wrong with that. When it comes to evangelism, it can be hard for us because simply walking up to someone we've never met on the street is seemingly CULTURALLY IRRELEVANT. In some aspects it's considered a "social taboo". I would like to share this following analogy with you..."

"Every culture of the world is like a soup, some are blessed to be the carrots, onions, broth, tomatoes, others are the potatoes, or the dill, or the basil...we are not necessarily "the perfect soup" we simply have to make the most of who we are for God's glory..."

Even though culturally we are so different, I believe that God uses EACH culture and EACH people group that He has EVER created to be a unique and original expression of His Love.....

At the end of the day, we may all believe in the same Jesus, but how we go about evangelizing to the world about the Gospel message, will GREATLY differ depending on cultural context.

As from personal experience, it's a one of kind life experience that most people I would say aren't blessed or shall I say cursed to go know that feeling of  waking up in the morning and realizing I'm nothing  like my OWN flesh in blood.....3 million people.....It's funny how you can be genetically related to someone and be nothing like them at all.....bluntly speaking....

I will question everyday until I die, why I was chosen to live such a perspective, I guess I can cry about it, try to smile about the peculiar originality of it, or do a mix of both and somehow trust God, that nevertheless, He will use this interpretation of life for His most wonderful glory.........

I pray dearest friend, that God would give you the strength to find boldness, and relentless courage in your heart to share this Easter message with those around you....... who may not necessarily be found within the church walls....