Friday, September 6, 2013

His Heart

I was walking the streets of my greatest passion in life,
I looked into his dreamy Baltic brown eyes,
I smiled at her echoing laughter,
and I just cried.
I cried as I walked to class.
I cried when I walked to the store.
I cried as I met every beautiful soul.
I cried as I sang my first song on Lietuva soil.
I couldn't help but cry at God's miracle of the impossible.
To stand on Lithuanian soil was the greatest challenge of my life.
I don't think you realize what it took to get here.
Every hell,
Every heaven,
Every painful tear,
Every scar,
Every depression,
Every joy,
Every smile,
Every laugh,
Every dance,
Every song written,
Every prayer prayed,
All the times I wanted to give up on moving to Lietuva,
I look back,
and I thank God that I didn't.
It was SO worth to meet you.
My dear God,
words can't even begin to describe the excitement in my heart.
and my mind endlessly wanders as my soul whispers to itself...
So this it what it took to get to God's heart.....
So THIS it what it takes to get to God's heart.....
 God's heart...
God heart.....
Oh his beautiful heart.....

Thursday, September 5, 2013


I have a confession to make,
to declare,
I woke up to the most beautiful Lietuva sunrise,
I just wanted to cry at it's honest beauty,
which my heart had abandoned,
I decided to do a week long experiment,
where I would "blend" in culturally,
So I started wearing black high heel shoes,
I started walking in a very serious authoritative manner,
I stopped smiling,
I painted my nails wine red, and made sure they were absolutely flawless,
and as I was walking home this late evening,
I thought to myself,
What the HELL was I doing?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Who was I trying to IMPRESS?!?!?!
Trying to change myself into someone I'm not.
Trying to blend into a culture my heart was never made for.
 Flyleaf's lyrics SCREAMED through my Lietuve soul,
"I don't know who I am anymore...
Not once in life have I been real, but I've never felt this close before...
I've been looking in your window....
I've been dressing in your clothes...
I've been walking dead watching you...." 

Growing up, I thought I dressed  really nice,
then realizing the high maintenance culture shock many years later,
my greatest fashion day,
was but filthy rags in the eyes of Lietuva,
and in that moment,
I realized,
that if I chose to conform,
the Lietuve soul of who I am,
would be forever lost,
the alive passion in my heart and eyes would die,
and the whole phrase of "Be a voice not an echo"....(Barlow Girl)
took on an entirely new meaning....
Why the HELL did I choose to be an echo,
When God told me that I could be a voice?
I may never entirely fit in this culture of my own flesh and blood,
but I simply cannot give up
my passion,
my love,
my laughter,
my LOUD voice,
my overly colorful punk rock dress style,
crazy spike glue Polish dreadlocks hair,
wine red lipstick,
black lace up boots,
It would be like Judas' kiss.
Looking into the eyes of a lover I was never meant to know.

This Close ~Flyleaf <3