Friday, November 28, 2014

If It Was All A Loss

If it was all a loss, it was SO worth it
7,333 kilometers almost 2 years later,
If I would have known, I would have not come, but I did not know.....
It was worth to kill the curiosity of my other cultural half,
It was SO worth it just to see her hope filled smile....
It as SO worth it, to get lost in his beautiful blue-green Baltic Sea glass eyes
It was worth every laugh, every tear, every scar, every painful moment,
to walk in the shoes of my own flesh and blood,
to feel how they really feel,
to see life truly through their eyes....
If it was all a loss...
it was the most beautiful one of my life...
A moment so perfectly intricately interwoven in time with its aurora of nature, scenery, building, people and plots,
a rare glimpse of a unique abstract of life,
that chose only a few people to reveal itself to,
One can only understand if having spiritually and physically been in that breathe of a moment...
If it was truly all a loss,
thank you dearest Jesus for this inspiring tragedy of creative captivity....<3 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Lost in His Loving Arms

Today, it finally hit me,
as I was walking through the most painful ice piercing unpleasant wind, under the grayest saddest mid-autumn sky.....
what I should have realized many long years ago,
As I found myself lost in the cursed and blessed identity of "Lithuanian American" or whatever that  doesn't matter anymore.
The simple truth was finally revealed to me
As I look back on my life, I realized that I never necessarily fit in anywhere. There always seemed to  be that part of me that was missing, lost in another world, another time, another indescribable hidden place.
As I continued to look back on my short lived life of 21 years,
realizing all the cultures of people I found myself in,
all the countries visited,
and experiences gone through,
I feel so blessed to have looked into each of their beautiful eyes......
Oh how I will never forget those forever gone precious moments,
held close to my heart into the vastness of eternity........
I cannot believe it took well over 60,000 kilometers of endless wanderings for my heart to realize,
it wasn't found in the church,
it wasn't found on that worship team,
it wasn't found in that supposed christian organization,
it wasn't found in that band,
it wasn't found in that musician,
it wasn't found in that interpretation of art,
it wasn't found in a certain style,
It was DEFINITELY not found in the American identity,
to bloody hell with the supposed Lithuanian identity,
You know where I found this  missing part?
All along, I was meant to be lost in Jesus loving arms,
His most Holy, sweet, warm, welcoming, loving, peaceful, and inspiring embrace.....

Oh foolish child, I say to the breathless wind, why so long to realize  your heart's passion ?

Sunday, November 2, 2014

My Apology

I'm sorry that I was never enough for you
I'm sorry that I was not all that you dreamed that I would be
I'm sorry that I disappointed you
I'm sorry I left you hanging in the Eastern European cold
I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself
I remember those days where it used to be so exciting to meet the entire world
So absolutely, utterly artistically inspiring,
I don't know what happened,
maybe it was the country,
maybe it was the climate,
maybe it was the realization that I would never fit in to the flesh and blood of my past.
Maybe it was the haunting emotionless, lifeless dead expression on the faces
Maybe it was depression,
Maybe it was the sensing that the presence of God was not strongly felt since walking the soil,
I question why,
Why all this struggle, pain, to seemingly satisfy a curiosity that costed one's life?
Indeed the sacrifice was too great.
But one cannot turn back the clock,
The reality of life pierces my heart like the sharpest sword,
but I hope one day you can find the strength forgive me,
This season of life is so short,
right now it seems like the darkest abyss,
but oh, what a  mere breath of life,
it  shall pass, like an intricate white feather from a dove, dancing in the golden sea sunset...absolutely free....