Judgement

This word has been on my mind alot lately for some reason.
Growing up, I was that girl who was always judged by my classmates. Public school was a hell from day one for me. From that Auschwitz experience I learned to embrace being different. I was the only Lithuanian in my town, and personally I felt like everyone was culturally ignorant to Eastern Europe. People struggled to say the word "Lithuania" and "Aiste". I have chosen to disown my identity with this town. That may sound harsh, but in all honesty a Lithuanian like me had no place there. 

I know God has a reason for everything. I have yet to understand why. Being the only girl who had a passion for music ministry, becoming a European/Russian missionary, enjoying Euro style fashion, loving Christian music, set me apart like black and white. Fast forward to my college years, and living in Minneapolis for the past 2 years. I've noticed I'm the type of person who offers so much grace to humanity. Like in all honesty, who am I to judge ANYONE in God's creation?  I think it also has to do with the fact that I've traveled to 14 European countries by the age of 20. Being immersed with  hundreds of thousands  of dear souls from all over the world, my heart has come to understand humanity. I'm a very over adventerous soul, it's my stigma for life. I was that type of girl growing up who would have plans on "meeting everyone at the entire  Christian music festival" mindset. I was shy at first, but over the years, I learned to be outgoing and just take that random shot in the dark and introduce myself to people.

What really breaks my heart is when people judge me. I do realize that the people who judge me are as LAME as a white wall, and are not friend worthy, but sometimes it really simply bothers me. I just want to throw up at the cultural ignorance of society. If I could buy every dear soul in the world a plane ticket, so they could experience culture, I would. Your eyes would be so opened. Rich ASS American mindsets would be humbled. (excuse my strong words, but in all honesty) Maybe if you would have seen what I would have seen, you wouldn't have judged me. Walking the streets of the poorest village in Macedonia, with garbage all over the streets, looking in the eyes of an 8 year old beggar boy on the streets of Vilnius, Lithuania, not overlooking dear souls who have health conditions such as type 1 diabetes and realizing the reality they have to live with, experiencing God's love at Sonshine & Lifelight Festival, seeing the joy in a Serbian worship service, experiencing the scars & brokeness of post-communist Lithuania.............I've been through so many experiences of life, I wouldn't trade the memories for the world. They have shaped me into who I am today. As a result of these cultural experiences, I am learning to become FEARLESS. I have a very bold personality, (as what we Eastern Europeans & Russians are known for culturally) I am not afraid to express my artistic, musical & fashion heart to the world. I realized this year I'm not as "conservative"  (to hell with earthly labels) as I thought I was. I'm not ashamed of it. Someone like me in all honesty, has no choice but to be bold and fearless day in and day out with life. With the radical missions calling that God has placed on my life, it would be a HUGE mistake to live a quiet, "NON OFFENDING" life.

Burning My Coffee Stained Journal

It'll never be the same again,
When you ask me for my passport,
and ask about the last 20 years,
why I was there,
and not here,
that knife stabbing question,
that brings and indescribable pain to my heart,
that goes deeper than political boundaries,
into the directionless map of the human soul,
that makes my knees so weak,
I fall to the cold  ground and cry  endlessly,
There are some things that happened,
I will never speak of again,
You just met me,
I can choose what I tell you,
You do not need to know about certain scars,
but a wise soul once said, "Honesty is the key to intimacy..."
Maybe it's my natural "European ettiqutte"
Present myself as being perfectly fine outwardly,
Deny that any weakness exists,
and pretend that it is not there,
behind the scandalous wine is everything lipstick smile,
 eastern euro dress style,
In all honesty,
you'll honestly never know.
If I choose not to tell you,
You'll simply never know.

Learning to Fly Again

It wasn't easy to let you go,
but I knew the day was coming when I simply had to.
It was as hard as hell,
 to look you in the eyes one last time,
In all honestly, not knowing when I would ever see you again,
but I trust with all my heart that God has a plan, that is far greater,

after I thought about it,
you know,
maybe I wasted my time?
To even worry what you thought about me,
about us,
I have dear souls who care about my life alot more than you probably,
so to get caught up in a life of worry,
was completely worthless,
to simply smile with confidence,
look into your wishful eyes,
and then over confidently walk away,
a slap to your face,
knowing that whatever you do,
I'm not going to let how you feel about me,
define me,
God has given me the grace, and an overwhelming heavenly peace to move on.
For now.
I trust whatever happens next is for God's perfect and beautiful pleasure.
With that said, it is now time for me to go live my life.
To restore the fully alive joy that my worrying over you made me lose.