Heart Language

I wanted to throw up I was so nervous
What was I doing here?
7,000 kilometers across the ocean for this?
I stood there mesmerized and taken in
reflecting back on every moment of musical inspiration
oh those priceless memories of  my childhood past
I wished you could have lived through them with me
then you would understand
now you never will
it was a moment lost in time
that perhaps did not culturally cross over as I expected
I felt so unworthy to stand there
the red lights charismatically dancing
this was the land of my flesh and blood
I looked them in the eye
our hearts were so different
as night is from the day
I silently prayed and just gave it all back to You
For this moment
for this hour
It was all for You, Your beautiful glory, heart and passion.
Perhaps the onlooking world will never quite understand
but at this point it doesn't matter,
and so I began to sing
in my UNheart language
Oh the sweet lingering melodies of this UNheart language
filled the air as an aroma of perfume
You truly understood this reflection
even if I didn't...

those memories of 18 years, nostalgically came back, she would have flown into the heavenlies
oh but how life changes
when you least expect it

One day you find yourself standing in the middle of an American charistmatic worship service passionately dancing and singing to Jesus

the next day standing in the middle of an American Christian metal mosh pit passionately dancing and screaming  for God's glory

the day after that looking into the soul of Europe...
oh those artistic streets of Dreseden
dusty rock corners of Polish woodstock
those childrens watery eyes in Macedonia
the fire in his Montenegran eyes
the cloudy tears of the Czech Republic
that nostalgic Albanian sunset
those secret Serbian handshakes
The Bosnian pastor's determination to share Christ's love in his city
 the jazzy cobblestone streets of Lithuania
Sharing God's love within the rock and metal scene...

its quite a  relentless mystery all these memories
perhaps certain moments aren't meant to marry each other
they aren't supposed to make sense
or to be understood by others
but rather a beautiful heart reflection between you and God...

A Romantic"s Letter to this Beautiful Life

We can't have it all 

But we can make the most of the memories we have 

Long car rides in a nostalgic land that was the original home 

Losing yourself in his emerald blue eyes 

Singing of God"s endless love in Lithuanian at bible study 

Stranding yourself in the middle of nowhere with dear friends 

Wednesday prayer nights of hope with your dearest roomies, believing in God to do miracles of the impossible. 

Sipping banana chocolate lattes at midnight with your best friend talking about this beautiful life 

Singing Russian love songs in coffeeshops with an acoustic guitar

Late night walks after youth group lost under the starry Baltic sky...

We can't have it all, 

But we can make the most of the memories we have, 

Our hearts will break within our glass souls 

We will fall in love 

We will fall out of love 

Oh how short this life is! 

As we immortally lie to our mortal selves

Taking the ones we love for granted 

You are only 22 once 

Perhaps our lives didn't go as we planned, hoped or dreamed, but I thank God He had something even greater in mind 

I thank Him for 

Each smile 

Each heart felt laugh 

Each dear soul I have ever met in this beautiful life 

Each moment of artistic inspiration 

Each musical melody that ever danced across the catacombs of my wandering heart 

For Every time I was lost under your Baltic sky 

for every time I was lost under your American sky 

And every culture in between and beyond 

We can't have it all 

And I've finally come to peace with this reality 

But we can make the most of the memories we were blessed to be alive for. 

Wine Red Lipstick

I'll never forget the day I stopped wearing "Wine is Everything" red lipstick
It was a slow loss of identity, as blood flows out of the body
How could such a small seemingly insignificant detail mean everything?
I wish we would have met when you saw that world on my lips
You met the "natural beauty" version
Plain.
Simple.
"Conservative" "Society" would have preferred that anyways,
but honestly you never knew what that color meant to me
You missed out on a part of my heart and soul I choose not to reveal
Or perhaps a part of me just died
and I chose to bury it in the grave
Once and for all. 

The Rock Soul

I sprawled myself across the cold earth as if in snow angel formation
I turned onto the other side as if the dirt were my pillow
and listened for its heartbeat,
the world was silent in the middle of the dark forest
I held my breath,
and I felt a small thump,
In the land of my own flesh and blood,
it was indeed some sort of heart beat,
 but not one that I recognized or grew up with.
I looked into the reflection of a nearby puddle,
those facial features were deeply embedded and sewn in this earth,
confirming its origin,
but the soul,
Oh this Beloved soul,
that heart,
beated from another land,
another time,
another place,
another artistic inspiration,
another melody,
there was no rock soul to be found,
not a trace,
not a breath,
not a single kiss,
I cried,
as if it were the biggest insulting joke of life ever experienced.
KODĖL?
KODĖL?
KODĖL!?!?!?
I screamed.
Olive green pants drowning now in mud from tears.

_________________________________________

There were choices to be made,
conform and be like the rest, disown this rock soul, OR
show the world, a unique interpretation of redemptive musical life,
and face the risk of being judged, mocked, rejected and disowned.
It just seemed so irrelevant,
but for some reason the heartbeat within,
weakly whispered not to give up,
reflecting a lifeless face
missing wine red lipstick
an over conservative
art starved
musically deprived
fear trapped
 stranger I didn't recognize....

The Kindness of the World

She found herself sitting on a bench in the city centre

What a luminous sunny day it was

With her coffee stained tattered journal

Which held her most precious thoughts of the heart

She looked up and saw a young man, near the age of 20, black leather jacket, sea green brown eyes, back brushed sandy blond hair, he smiled as he said goodbye to his friends,

As he walked passed her she could see the deep sadness in his eyes. He was hiding some secret. The tears slowly formed as he turned the corner to cover his face.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

A young lady, dressed in a wine red dress, with dark curly hair, so beautiful. Underneath she was a dreamer, struggling with doubt, society judged her, she really wanted to give up, Praying someone would reach out, support her.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

Another unkept man,  slowly moved down the road, long hair past his chin, smoking a cigarette, with a stern look on his face, others cringed and gave him strange looks of disgust.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

An older woman, probably in her 60s was practically crawling up the bank steps, she outstretched her trembling hand for the door’s handle, but couldn’t make it.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

A teenage girl with hair dyed blue, bright red nails and lipstick, the wind caught her black long sleeve shirt to reveal scars on her wrist.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

After several hours of observation....with unbearable tears  in my eyes and a heavy heart I  closed my wet seemingly ocean drowned journal. 

My World

Artistic inspiration is

his sea glass blue eyes

her dark wine red lipstick

peacock patterned leggings

the abstract mess of pictures on the desk

a prayer room created from the heart

Artistic inspiration is

the colors of  a Lithuanian sunset

the young Czech man playing a sad and haunting melody on his guitar

the laughter of a  Croatian woman

a young Polish man’s long black dreadlocks

singing worship songs in Serbian

the taste of Italian tomatoes

Artistic inspiration is

the rushing clear mountain rivers of Bosnia

hiding in a bush at 1am  in Kosovo

talking to three pastors in Montenegro

breathing in the air of putrid fish in Iceland

a sunny abandoned Macedonian road

Artistic inspiration is

the endless late night conversations of dear friends

her echoing laughter

the relentless fire in her eyes

once lived memories of the travelers heart  

What They Said

They said sit 

I danced

They said scientific English 

I wrote creative 

They said be silent 

I screamed 

They said this wall will remain blank white 

I painted it the colors of the Baltic Sea sunset 

They said conform

I stood out 

They said give up it's no use

I pursued it with relentless passion

They said be normal 

I told them I would rather die than disown the heart and soul of who I am 

The Heart Song

I stood on an expansive dirt hill overlooking Przystanek Woodstock (also known as Polish Woodstock). It was late evening, and I was lost in a sea of dreadlocks, tattoos, ear gauges and the punk rock/ metal artistic craziness of over one million people. I found myself in the evangelistic adventure of a lifetime, near the small southern village of Kostrzyn nad Odrą.

 I carried Ruslana Evelyn (my guitar) and started walking with a few of my friends from my missions school at the early hour of 1 in the morning. I  thought to myself, “What could I possibly be doing at this questionable time on the streets of Woodstock?”   We trudged through roads that were drowning in putrid garbage and every sin imaginable while the smell of cigarette smoke floated in the air like a piercing fog into our eyes.

We arrived at the northern most part of the festival and there I saw of group of fifteen young people sitting in a circle laughing, the aroma of pot and alcohol hung like an old forgotten curtain.  I was too tired to speak with them. I merely and passively walked by.  Then one of the young Polish men noticed I had a guitar and asked, “Cześć, would you like to come hang out with my friends and I?”  At first I was hesitant, and then agreed to do so. Everyone wanted me to play a song, and so the first one to come to my mind was Pasaulio Švesia (Here I Am To Worship). I had no idea why God wanted me to sing this song ( I was very new and afraid with my music evangelism at the time) and especially at this unexpected hour.

Nevertheless, I let this sweet melody drift into the calm starry Polish night sky. Afterwards, I looked up and the same young man who invited me to play had tears in his eyes. He expressed thoughtfully, “Your song really touched my heart.” It was truly an unforgettable precious moment. 

There are many people in the world who are waiting to be inspired by your heart’s song. Will you find the boldness to share your story? 

The Outcast

I know your pain

One morning I woke up and I realized I never wanted to be like you (society) EVER. 

I would rather die than disown the heart and soul of who I am. 

I know that feeling of looking into the eyes of your own flesh and blood and all you receive back is a blank stare of judgement. 

Been there done that one too many times. 

Why be the same when you can be different? 

A life of conformity, trapped in a box, a filthy rat cage, 

Didn't you ever dream of something more? Or did you assume that what you saw with your own eyes was all that there was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was walking the dark streets several evenings ago, this thought finally resonated with my heart,  I truly, deeply understand what it"s like to be you. I walked in your shoes. For those of you who feel outcasted by society, you are not alone, I promise you. I would like to take the time to thank those of you. From the bottom of my heart thank you for being willing to stand strong in what you believed in, even when the society around you laughed at you, insulted you, mocked you, rejected you, spit in your face, called you stupid, called you a loser, and said that you were too radical, too bold, too creatively different for Jesus with your passions, visions, and dreams. It is because of you I stand here today with relentless eternal burning passion and fire in my eyes for God"s glory. In those moments you felt embarrassed to be "different" and thought your efforts were meaningless, futile, and in vain, they were not, I was watching you. You may not have directly noticed, but I was. Thank you for taking up your cross every single day in and day out  even though it was painful and I know you cried endless tears during this process. Thank you for setting such a phenomenal example of what it means to die to yourself and love those who seem impossible to love. Thank you for immersing yourself in the holy presence of Yeshua in such a way that it was clearly and visibly noticed in every breath you breathed, every word prayed, every lyric sung, every note strummed, every smile, every hug, every conversation, the essence an aroma of your life pointed straight to the Passion of the Cross of our dearest Savior....thank you. It is someone special like you, who truly impacted and changed the world for the better by portraying your beautiful heart like the colors of a Baltic sunset...

I would rather die an outcast and have COMPLETELY experienced the true love of Jesus, than to be eternally trapped in a filthy rat cage of conformity. 

Your Beautiful Soul

Why does my soul say to itself, 

I already know you before I met you? 

One day you"ll look back and see that the blessing you ignored standing eternally in front of your face, as the waves of this life washed by, was your greatest answered prayer in disguise. You"ll probably have regret in your heart, as will I, but truly what is the meaning of this life, if all it ever came was to this? 

Why do I prejudge situations I've never been in? Assuming I know everything, but as I talk to you I realized I knew nothing at all, now I realize your beautiful soul,

And oh, how I was so close to missing it! 

 

I saw you standing there, smiling so full of energy, life and adventure, the relentless passion in your eyes. I used to be like that once. It's the ghost that haunts me everyday I wake up. I pray that my curiosity and yours is never lost, that we would keep our hearts always open. 

That Awkward Moment of Life You're in Eastern Europe 2014 Part 1

To start of this beautiful new year, I thought I would dedicate a blog post to supposed  awkward/funny moments of 2014. You may be wondering, why in the world do you share your awkward life moments for the public eye to see? Well, first  and foremost of all, I truly believe there needs to be more laughter in this world, so I thought I would contribute in a "unique" way. The following you are about to read actually happened, (yeah, you're probably thinking, wow, this girl is SO strange, just when I thought my life was crazy...." So I hope to put a smile to your face, and a laugh to your soul!


That awkward moment of life you're walking the streets of this beautiful life and these 12 young Lithuanian men surround you in a circle. You look to the heaven's and your like Jesus, KODEL? Why do young European men always seem to follow me? What did I do to deserve this torture? Then one of them explains how it is his bachelor's party and he has this task list he must complete, and I can either buy candy from him, give him my number and pretend to be his girlfriend, or kiss him. I roll my eyes and say I would rather do none of those things, then he pleads, almost on his knees, and so you choose the most scandalously adventurous option...you kiss a random young Lithuanian man on the cheek, and his friend takes a picture. And you're thinking to yourself....if all young Lithuanian men are like this....my dear God of heaven...I am SO DONE with that genre of man..... ;) (Pretty much have said this about every European man genre # let's.be.honest.) (this pretty much almost tops the Polish proposal awkward moment of 2013)

That awkward moment you decide to carry toilet paper (without a plastic bag to cover it) in public. # LOUD.n.PROUD. # bad.ASS.

That funny moment of life you're listening to this speaker and she says, "In my American life I did this.......in my Lithuanian life I did that....." and you just burst out in laughter, and no one else in the room is laughing, and you're thinking to yourself....STORY OF MY LIFE. then you start pacing your room and you're like:
In my AMERICAN life......I listened to that cute Hillsong/Chris Tomlin music,
In my LITHUANIAN life ...I SCREAMED METAL music down the streets of this life like YEAH,
In my American life, I liked European guys,
In my Lithuanian life, I think I actually prefer the American genre,
In my American life, I had crazy punk rocker hair, painted my nails, pierced my ears,
In my Lithuanian life, I had even more crazy back brushed rat's nest dreadlock infested punk rock metal  hair, created holes in my ears and got a tattoo,
In my American life I was known as the gangster, "ICE TEA" "LIPTON" cause that culture could not say the "ė" sound.
In my Lithuanian life I was known as "Aistė".
In my American life people would walk over to me and start speaking Russian or Polish and I would be like "YA LITOVKA". # deceptive.eastern.euro.facial.features.
In my Lithuanian life, people would walk over to me and start speaking Lithuanian..(DUH.) .and occasionally still Russian.
In my American life, I walked the ghetto hood  city streets of Minneapolis ( population 2 million) at 1AM....by myself
In my Lithuanian life, I walked the streets of Polish Woodstock in the afternoon.....by myself.....and the sketchy dark streets of Klaipėda late at night...by myself...

and you're thinking to yourself AHMEN to "the art of living a double cultured life." I understand....truly...

That funny moment of life you're at this pizza restaurant with some of your friends, and two of your American bros, they notice you are wearing 4 rings on your fingers. They ask what those rings mean. You tell them you are married to a European, Russian, African and someone from Antarctica, they look at you like "Seriously? you must be joking!" You laugh slightly and explain how in Eastern Europe it's ever so normal to do such things. # Lithuanian.culture.shock.

That awkward moment of life one of your students is staring at you. You then give him your "Lietuvė death stare" (For those of you who know what that is, I assure if you've experienced it, you will have nightmares before you fall asleep) and he then whispers to his friend, probably like, "OMG, that teacher, she was like staring at me".

That moment of life you introduce yourself to the class, and you're like "Labas, my name is Aistė, I'm Lithuanian-American", and they look at you like, "what the hell, that cannot be possible!  How can you be two nationalities at once?" and you smile and think to yourself, "Ahmen.....Taip. that genre of woman EXISTS."

That funny moment of life you are talking with a friend during the Christmas program, and one of your Theology professor's walks over. Your friend explains how your are talking about Christian metal music, and your professor proceeds to banging his head like a metalist, and you look to the sky, and you think to yourself, "Ahmen, Jesus I waited my whole life to witness this moment".

That moment of life you link arms with your dearest Ukrainian sister at the Christmas market skipping happily around and you explain to her that you are wildly artistic with no practicality, and she explains how she is practical. and you say how you both should start a business which features metal wine red lipstick, you know combining the artistic and the practical.... ;)

That random moment of life you are standing outside of Loftas after the Skillet concert in Vilnius and this young Lithuanian man taps you almost under the armpit, smiles, winks, and disappears into the Lithuanian miškas. You're assuming he probably liked your tattoo, then you make a joke with your friends, how in America the young men tap women on the shoulders....but in Europe...the young European man.....taps women near the armpit....very culturally fitting. ;) AHMEN. what I expected from day one. # true.character.revealed.

That haunting poetic of life  moment you scream the Russian song "My Heart" down the hallway.

That awkward moment of life you eat ice cream in the middle of winter IN LITHUANIAN PUBLIC.

That funny moment of life you walk into a coffeeshop, and you forget to turn off your metal music on your iphone, and the barista  gives you that look "are you serious, someone as vintage as you with wine red lipstick and curly hair listens to THAT music?" and you smile and roll your eyes and think....LOOKS can be quite deceiving. I am a vintage metalist. My own hipster metal style....

That awkward moment of life you walk barefoot IN LITHUANIAN PUBLIC.

That moment of life, people won't stop knocking on your door and you loudly say, "The NEXT young LCC man to knock on my door, I WILL PUT YOU IN A CARDBOARD BOX, DUCK TAPE IT, AND SHIP YOU TO SIBERIA ETERNALLY!!!". Then the knocking stops. # woman.power.

(to be continued........)