My Euromerica life

Even if my parents never told me I was Lithuanian,
I would have sensed that there was something different,
and I still would have passionately gone after whatever that something was....

Looking back to the start of this Lithuanian fundraising year I simply thought this would be one of those seasons of life that I quickly slip into, and GLADLY run out of an never look back...
But it wasn't so.....
I knew taking a year off working all the time would feel like hell...
At the beginning of this Lietuva passion, I LITERALLY thought I was going to...as the saying goes...."cut the cord"....as in missions terms, as  one of my professor's once said....Like I thought after this year was over I would completely CUT OFF everything in the United States that I had ever known....memories, relationships, just EVERYTHING, and forget what the first 2 decades was and start off fresh in Lietuva..... I think part of me had gone mad at the time as well, because I was STILL  shockingly
digesting the thought that God was calling me to take off a year from college to raise all these funds for a German missions school and Lithuanian university....
As this year continued, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, even if I wanted to, I absolutely couldn't forget my American life. All the dear souls, family, friends, who supported me through their prayers and simply just being their for me during some of the hardest times of my life....Wither I liked this reality or not, America would always be part of my heart. As deathly hard as it is to balance two completely different worlds European and American, I am slowly coming to the peace of having to accept this. I know for some of you, these thoughts may not make any sense, having never been in the situation of "balancing 2 worlds"  but I hope you somehow understand....
Just like all situations of life, living in the United States had it share of scars which I would never re-live. But I realize that if those scars hadn't burned me, I wouldn't be the same person, or in the same situations that I am/in. As hard as that is for me to even realize. In the United States I accepted Christ as my savior, discovered Christian music, and met so many beautiful dear souls. I wouldn't trade those heavenly moments EVER.  Highschool here was an absolute joke and insult to who I am as a Lithuanian. Europe somehow was this hopeful light in my heart. Obviously my European life wasn't perfect as well. Visiting Europe growing up birthed a passion in my heart for music ministry and missions. I look back on this beautiful life, and I'm left SO Speechless how God simply lined EVERYTHING up ever so perfectly at the right time and place. Like for example, discovering Christian rock music when I was 8 and listening to such deep melodic lyrics as a child, reading books more than I talked up until age 12 has made me a creatively inspired writer...or discovering Trevor McNevan's music when I was 10, who would have EVER thought that his punk rock influence would inspire me to create my own artistic punk rock persona? Same with discovering Jason Dunn's music.....the whole punk rock thing.....God is working even amongst the smallest details....If it wasn't for God introducing me to the Russian culture through this one Russian rock band, I probably wouldn't have developed such a passion for the culture or language, and I think of all the beautiful souls I wouldn't have met if I didn't have this passion....All those life coincidences...It's absolutely INSANE how God works...down to every freakin second!

Being in Europe just makes my soul come ALIVE....like FREAKIN ALIVE....I don't even know how to describe this state of happiness. Is it for the fact that my own flesh and blood live in Lithuania? Definitely yes. For those of you dearest friends who have relatives in the United States if there's one thing I've learned, DON'T take your relatives forgranted...I know this sounds like a DUH moment...but seriously what I would GIVE to be sitting next to my Lietuve mocute (Lithuanian grandma) and just talk with her while making Lietuvos blynas.....EVERY DAY...instead of maybe once every 5 or more years.....Maybe this is why the whole crazy Lietuva 2013 idea came to be....Simply missing the ones you love who are thousands of miles away from your heart, and you're just TIRED of being separated from your own flesh and blood, and are just TIRED of missing out on memories that could have been.........

I can only imagine what lies ahead in this crazy beautiful EuroMerica....I mean...
EURO?
America?
LIFE!?!?!?!?
I can't decide which one.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Our Hell

I'll never forget the day,
we were driving into the Minneapolis sunset,
 and I boldy said,
"The scars of communism DO NOT define who we are,
They have NO control over our
PASSIONS,
VISIONS,
& DREAMS!
TO DEATH WITH YOU BLOODY SCARS!"
....and we smiled,
laughed it off,
gave each other high fives,
and confidently moved on in our agreement......

Unless you're that fortunate or unfortunate "first generation American" as society labels us, that dear European or Russian soul who went through it or were born during or after it,
or were adopted from a Soviet controlled country,
those above words have no meaning for you,
One does simply not understand,
 what it's like to grow up,
 being that post soviet generation of dreamers,
having to wake up every morning,
and fight this invisible bloody war,
not for yourself,
but for your generation,
in your country,
who is slowly dying an unconscious death each day
because of the aftermath,
of communism's thoughts,
we are SO discouraged,
we are SO broken,
 we SCREAM in silence,
and no one hears us,
just ask the 21 year old young Lithuanian man,
he'll tell you....
Look into the eyes  on an 8 year old  beggar boy on the streets of Vilnius,
 his tears will tell you,
Hold a lovely Macedonian girls hand as you dance with her and twirl her in circles,
Her laughter will tell you,
Ask the lonely Italian man walking the streets of Rome on New Years eve,
his silence will kill you,
Hug the precious blond hair blue eyed Icelandic child,
the essence of her sweetness will melt your heart,
Look deeply in the eyes of a young Russian man,
the sadness in his musical soul will  painfully scream through you......
and leave you breathless,

Everyday you walk by us,
and you don't even know who we are....

When I See You I See ScarZ

Just because communism scarred you,
doesn't mean it has to scar me,
I'm not going to let it,
I think it's time for you to heal,
to move on from your past,
forgive your dear brothers and sisters,
I know this is easier said than done,
but I don't think you even realize how your discouragment,
brokeness,
sadness,
teary filled eyes,
affect the way
my heart dreams,
sings,
dances,
smiles,
believes,
hopes,
trusts,
laughs,
and most of all
loves.
It hurts to stand for what I know is right.
but someone has to be bold.
I don't regret the way of life I've chosen.
You might not like it.
But I'm slowly learning that its ok.
Its sad that you don't understand why I do what I do.
Sometimes I don't even know.
One day, years later you'll look back,
and things will make perfect sense.
As for now, all I can do is pray for you,
and not give up on this hope that Jesus has forever placed in my heart...
 

The Flame

I have a confession to make,
On the eve of the New Years,
I wrote your name on a piece of notebook paper,
kissed you goodbye,
one last painful time,
I really didn't want to,
it murdered my heart like no other,
but it had to be done,
My heart wanted to forever stay lost in you,
but my mind convinced me to forget you.
I lit that cursed rose red candle,
and watched the flame,
flicker and dance,
as if it had no care in the world,
as if the flame were a five year old girl,
with wavy brown hair,
piercing hazel eyes,
hands in the air,
running so freely through the wildflowers...
I ripped your name out of the paper,
and held this piece of tatteredness at it's edges,
and slowly placed the tip of it into the flame,
and solemnly watched each letter of your name,
dissolve into mere smoke,
back to God,
 as a single tear fell from my face,
which you didn't deserve a  drop of,
I really regret living "here" somedays,
because of the scars of you,
which you are apathetic and oblivious to,
and all that's left,
is a bloody red wax puddle on my bedroom floor...

 

The American Degree

The following topic has been on my heart for the longest time. I was debating wither or not to blog about this because I knew that I might offend some people and they might not understand why I think this way, but I thought about it, and was like...WHATEVER....I'm going to write about this anyways....

THEE.AMERICAN.COLLAGE.DEGREE....Yes, I spelled college wrong...on purpose...it's an inside Russian joke...if you want to know what it is...ask me...I was also a SPELLING NAZI from Kindergarten to about 10th grade...and to this day it STILL drives me insane when people spell words wrong.....

Growing up, I was taught that getting a college degree in America was one of the best educational steps one could take. Naturally, I just believed what the people around me at the time said about this. As I got older, observing this life, I saw that humanity came from all parts of the world wither it be Africa, Asia, Europe or South America to get the so called "Prestigious American College Education". This fact was so humbling to me, that these dear souls did whatever it took to get there dream degree in America. Studying long hours back in their home country to get the highest grades possible, working long hours and studying at the same time to pay for their American education...Their dedication leaves me speechless....

What I will NEVER understand to this day, me being the Crazy Cultural soul that I am, is WHY the majority of degrees from any other part of the world that's NOT American is not valid in America. But then, if one decides to get an American degree, it's valid throughout the world. WHAT.THE.HELL? When did America decide that it could become the dominant country when it comes to college degrees? It doesn't make sense to me, so you're telling me, let's say for example when my fellow Bosnian decides to get  a bible degree at his Bosnian bible college, and then come to America it's not accepted, but if an American gets a bible degree and goes to Bosnia and it's accepted? So an "American biblical degree" is worth more than a "Bosnian biblical" degree?  My soul feels SO SICK and DISGUSTED at this thought. Maybe there are loopholes for biblical degrees worldwide, but insert the degrees (business, psychology, veterinary science, doctor, lawyer...etc) It's hypocrisy. EVERYWHERE. I mean seriously, reality is, European and Asian countries throughout the world rank higher in education than America...So why are people coming to this country to get an education, if their home country at the end of the day is smarter than America? It's simply CORRUPT. Here's a REAL example. So my deartest Lietuvis Tete (Lithuanian Father) went to college in Lithuania and graduated as a Veterinary Doctor. When he came to America, his degree wasn't accepted.....So my dad went back to college a second time and got another degree....DANG..talk about motivation and perseverance...I don't think I would EVER go through that hell TWICE in a row...Its SO unjust...America's whole college degree acceptance system...and this nation BRAGS like hell how we're such a DIVERSE nation......if we claim to be this freakin " DIVERSE Melting Pot".........then why aren't we embracing the ENTIRETY of one's culture?...not just the aspects that we want to?.....

This brings me to the whole Lithuanian 2013 year. This upcoming fall, I plan ( by God's AMAZING financial grace hopefully) to finish my 3 years of studies I have left at Lithuania Christian College International in Klaipeda, Lithuania. This whole situation has caused much controversy in my life. I KNOW VERY WELL dearest friend the day I drew that line with my own Lithuanian blood in my heart that getting an EU degree means it WILL NOT transfer back to America....I LAUGHED tears of joy. I don't FREAKIN CARE. This is my Lithuanian heart on paper for the eyes of this world to see...IT.WILL.NOT.TRANSFER.BACK.TO.AMERICA. I'm completely fine with this reality. This is my declaration as a Lithuanian to this world. JUDGE.AWAY. say it's foolish. Spit in my face that your American English degree has "more value" than my Lithuanian English degree...go ahead...I'll look deeply into your eyes with my haunting serious poetic hazel green eyes as you do so...and I'll SMILE...from ear to ear....

I think it depends on who you are and where you're going in this beautiful life. For some people, an American degree is their dream...I just want to clarify ONE last time to the following people...(you know EXACTLY who you are) THE AMERICAN COLLEGE DEGREE WAS NOT MY DREAM...AND NEVER WILL BE. For others, like me, getting an EU degree in Lithuania means ALOT more to me even though in society's eyes in may not be valuable globally.....

It's valuable to me in my heart...

this my dearest friend...is absolutely PRICELESS...