Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Best Stories of 2013 Part 1: The Polish Proposal

As the year of 2013 comes to a close, I would like to take the time to reflect back on some of  greatest stories, from a humorous, (or at least I  think) Lietuve perspective. I thank God for every single day that He gave me to walk the streets of this beautiful life this past year.

Starting from June 12th......until end of this December....

That awkward moment of life you're in an Icelandic airport and these two German guys are talking to each other and they keep looking at you. Then when you are about to board your flight, as you get up, they get up, they both look at each other and say "Moskva" and walk away..........

When you and your two friends are stranded in a train station in some random German town and you have exactly 13 minutes to find your next train connection, and everyone is freaking out and your friend walks over to this lady and says "Dresden?" and she doesn't understand him, and you say in your most heavy Russian accent, "Dresden?" and the lady smiles and points you in the right direction....and you can't help but smile a little on the inside, and be like....yeah....=P

When you and your three friends FINALLY make it to the town where the missions school of your dreams is, and this random German guy on this random German bus tells you to follow these 3 random German ladies to your "destination" and you end up stranded in a village, stuck guarding about 100+ kilograms of luggage on a hot June day singing and playing acoustic Thousand Foot Krutch covers, and end up dragging about 55 Kilograms for about 3 kilometers. and after 72 hours of have reached the one and only Steiger Missions School.

Those moments of life you sit on a German window sill with your dearest sister, and yell out these random Russian phrases, and she screams your  crush's name, but you don't think he heard that, or if he did, he is in complete unknown denial of it until this day.

Grocery store walks to Norma with my dearest roommie accompanied with deep meaningful theological conversations.

Jumping on a forbidden trampoline with my dearest roommie like we're  5 years old and cool like that.

Playing my acoustic guitar in a German forest practically at midnight and having European guys appear out of nowhere.

That random moment of life you are at Polish Woodstock, doing your evangelistic outreach with your missions school and this Polish nun records you singing  "Here I Am To Worship" in Lithuanian on a street  corner.....

Third day into Polish Woodstock, it's about 1 in the morning and you and several friends are walking the streets of woodstock looking for evangelistic ministry opportunities with your guitar, and you end up sitting in a circle of  Polish youth that are smoking weed, with one young Georgian man who has apparently lived in Poland for a year, and they REALLY want you to sing with your guitar, but you refuse 3 times in a row, and they really persist, so you give in, and you sing the reflective melodic  song "So Far Gone" by TFK and you can see the young Georgian man slowly start tearing up with a few tears in his eyes, and he shakes your hand with deep respect, and you can't help but laugh on the inside just a little.

That random moment of life you meet 3 Lithuanians at Polish Woodstock and are in absolute shock cause this festival has like 700,000 people, and you are so proud that the cute lil Lithuanian sign you made actually worked.

When you're brave enough to let your dearest Polish and Belorussian sisters create 25 dreadlocks in your hair.

To all those beautiful memories of Steiger Missions School 2013 that you will hold close in your heart forever.....<3

Dragging 55 Kilograms of luggage all the way to Kaunas, Lietuva, BY YOURSELF, and the horrible hell of switching trains 3 times in Germany and having Baltic Air start check in 1 hour before the flight, charging you 20 Euros for check in, and 30 Euros for your guitar at the very last minute, to having only 30 minutes to find  your flight in the Riga airport.........

Actually MAKING it onto Lietuva soil and crying your eyes out at a reality that seems too good to be true.

Meeting your generation of Lithuanians for the very first time in your life and all the beautiful cultural awkwardness & judgments that comes along with that.

That awkward moment of life you ask a fellow Lithuanian where the "Food Church" is.......=P

When you're just sitting enjoying your dear Lietuve life, and this young Lithuanian man walks around shirtless as if he's waiting for you to turn and look at him, and you being your Quaker self  just keep thinking, don't look, Don't look, Don't look, you know European guys, don't get their attention, just roll your eyes and pretend they're not there, and then he asks you a question, and to be polite, you must respond, and he makes you coffee. and you are just laughing on the inside of why? how? shto? yaneznayu.....

and LAST but not least....okay maybe not last, but if you have persevered to read this far....this one is truly golden....

THAT moment of life you're at Polish Woodstock, handing out metal core bibles, and you start talking to this one Polish guy who happened to lose his back pack, and he's like FREAKING OUT like he's 5 years old, and he is probably almost 30 and you ask him if you can pray for him, that he would find his backpack with all of his important documents. and he gives you a strange look like, "I don't believe God can answer prayer", (and keep in mind this festival has 700,000) So you silently pray for his backpack, and exactly 15 minutes later, this person randomely drops off his backpack right next to him. The young Polish man is in complete shock, and you can't help but smile on the inside, and then you start talking about each others lives, and you tell him that Jesus loves him, and then after about an hour you ask him for his email address so you can keep in touch, and he's like "Email address, will you be my wife?!?!?!?" and you just sit there absolutely frozen (that moment where you are sipping your coffee and you spit /gag it out of your mouth  like an elephant spraying water) and you just look deeply into his sky blue Polish glaza, smirk, laugh and say HELL NO....okay maybe it wasn't that mean more like a sweet "no".......and he's sad............and you are trying your hardest not to burst out in laughter, and you have to step away for a few moments, and you burst out in Lietuve laughter that echos like a lion across the Polish woodstock plains........


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Childhood Charms

I realized that in my heart i would always love him, 
even after we both got married to different people,
 those butterfly feelings of always falling in love with him would eternally be the traces of our childhood charms, permanently marked on both of our hearts...

We may both lead different lives, 
have boyfriends or girlfriends or love different people,
 but when we get together, 
its just like the old times,
 tempting one another with our European beautifulness, 
cracking jokes, 
laughing nostalgically on all the memories made, 
i have grown, i have changed, 
and i know every time we get together, 
my heart will naturally fall in love with you again, and again, and endlessly again, 
even though now i consider you to be my brother....
and you know what,  that"s okay...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Ačiū Prašom mystery man

An "imaginative story"  to brighten your miserable finals study.........=P

I stood there in the cold snowy/rainy Baltic winter day
Waiting at the bus stop
Everything around me seemed so grey, cloudy and lifeless,
Not a single human soul was to be found on this side of Eastern European heaven,
I  clicked my lace up black leather boots a few times together,
heel to heel,
toe to toe,
As I stared at the white washed cement pavement,  as if I were the Lithuanian version of Dorothy.
Out of nowhere a black car zoomed past me,
which slightly startled  my thoughts which had creatively drifted into some unknown sweet musical metalcore land,
Five minutes later the same black car turned around and came back,
It stopped for a few seconds,
There was a young man sitting inside
He stared at me,
I blankly stared at him,
He continued to stare at me,
I continued to stare blankly at I was about to roll my hazel Lietuvė eyes at the hopelessness of highly socially awkward Eastern European men
Then he FINALLY said something...(Which is good, cause I wouldn't said nothing and forever held my silence)
I quickly looked to the sky and said a "Thank you Jėzus, I thought the social awkwardness was never going to end" prayer,
He opened his car door,
And I stood there speechlessly in shock,
Let's just say God has a cute and funny way of contradicting your doubts,
......Just when you thought you had lost all your hope in young Eastern European man humanity...
"He Appears"
I've come to the conclusion that's simply how life works,
Full of beautiful unexpected surprises,
Anyways, as I stand there,
He asks me if I need a ride,
 Knowing what my mama ir tėtė taught me,
Let's OVER analyze this situation,
"Black car zooms past, retraces its steps, pauses for a few seconds, handsome man opens his car door and asks if I need a ride....." first instinct is HELL to the freakin NO. I know your type been there done that seven times seventy seven times seventy seven hundred times over....old story...I see through your melynos akys, through your soul, your scandalous deceptive smile, you have no idea who I am, but boy, I KNOW EXACTLY who you are.....
but then again, he seemed too kind and let's be tell some handsome stranger that you can cough cough "see through the soul of who he is" would be ever so Eastern Europeanly Lietuvė...AWKWARD. those 10 seconds, I simply said YES....or TAIP or DA....or something like that ( I forget which language I used honestly)

and that was probably one of the best "TAIPs" I have ever risked to say in my life......

Sunday, December 1, 2013


Metalcore....what comes to your mind when you think of this music genre? "It's Satanic!" "I don't listen to this "music"..."I LOVE it!!!" I'm sure you've heard many perspectives throughout your life. I would say right now, this is the favorite genre of music in my life. Growing up, when I went to Christian music festivals, I was absolutely TERRIFIED of this kind of music. I would purposely always avoid the heavy metal stage at all costs.

I remember one time when I was about 13 years old, it was the middle of Sonshine Festival (Minnesota's largest Christian music festival) and my three friends literally DRAGGED me to the heavy metal stage, and I painfully slid through the doors. For the first time in my life I heard these horrifying screams and I kept walking close and closer. Out of nowhere, I turned around and there was this young man, lng brown flowy hair that went down past his shoulders, ear gauges, tattoo sleeves on both his arms that smiled at me and was like, "Hey, how are you? you should totally come to our show this evening!" I just stood there in absolute horror, and RAN as fast as my Lietuve legs could carry me out of the heavy metal stage arena.....(Honestly, looking back on this hilarious situation, if I were to run into that same musician guy today, I would have thought he was totally a cutie....) funny how things can change....

As you may have noticed I used "Christian" and "Metalcore" in the same sentence. Is this legally possible you may say? YES. indeed it is.  Growing up I was told that metalcore music was "Ungodly" and for a while I believed it. I would say up until I was 19 years old, I didn't particularly listen to this genre. and now, at the age of 20 I absolutely LOVE it.  If you listen to the lyrics of  some Chrismetalcore bands, you will quickly discover that they are literally screaming the gospel and screaming about Jesus. How much more beautiful can that be?  For some, they find this reality appauling, but for me, it's a soul melody to my heart.  What changed you ask?  I would say the past 3 years of my life have been the most life changing as I continue to walk in my relationship with Jesus. He has brought me through places I never dreamed in my life I would get to experience.  My passion for Jesus has grown so much in the past several years, I've simply gotten to the point in my faith walk where I can't simply worship Jesus with just a sweet melody, but rather my heart is telling me to PASSIONATLEY SCREAM of JESUS LOVE. This act is my true heart reflection back to what Jesus has done in my life and continues to do. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy worshipping Jesus by singing a calm worship song every now and then, but in this current season of my life, screaming is where my heart is at.

It's funny how the concept of metalcore culturally crosses over. I have been confronted several times with various religious people in Europe where they have told me that my passion for Christian metalcore music is "Ungodly" As they looked me in the eyes I just kinda stood there and pretended to cough on a chunk of dislodged banana that was non existent stuck in my throat. In all honestly, I COMPLETELY disagree. It's NOT the music genre which is UNGODLY rather, the intention and affect the music has on someone."  When it comes to music ministry evangelism, I believe that PROVACATIVE ART is going to change humanity....let me repeat....PROVACATIVE ART.........(this is a concept I learned at my missions school in Germany this past summer) By provocative, I mean controversial art with a meaningful Christian message that gets humanity's attention.  There's nothing wrong with cute fluffy pink cupcake art, it's just that in today's society, to get humanity's attention about Jesus, you have to be willing to go that extra creative kilometer. So for me personally, I consider metalcore with a Christian message to be a provocative art....

Just from traveling around Europe the past several years, I have noticed a huge trend in metalcore music in countries such as Germany, Poland, Ukraine, Romania, and many more countries in south eastern Europe. I guess Lithuania, has yet to see it's first Christian metal core of these years....=)  I can only imagine the impact Christian metal core can have on humanity, especially in this part of the world if a few people were willing to step up and make that bold difference.......

btw, if you haven't already, feel free to check out my favorite Christian metal core band: FOR TODAY........Out of all the metalcore band's I've ever listened to in my life, I firmly believe they are one of the few bands who have truly captured the art of "SCREAMING OF JESUS LOVE"..........<3

Sunday, November 17, 2013

7, 333 Kilometers: How Far Will You Go?

How far would you go for God’s love to be known?

How much would you sacrifice?
Though they mock You

Though they laugh at You

Though they spit in Your face,

Though they JUDGE  You,

Though they crucified You,

Though you had to leave behind everything familiar,






Though they laugh at your crazy creative ideas,

Though your heart will be broken endless times over for My Name’s sake,

How far will you go my precious child?

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Lietuvė American Pt. 1

I've been debating to myself when to FINALLY  write about this...sigh..... the time has come. As a Lietuvė that grew up most of her life in the United States, I'd like to elaborate my thoughts on a "humerous" "interpretation" of culture shock that I have experienced both living in the United States, and more specifically my heart country of origin, LIETUVA.  These reflections I hope aren't TOO offensive....if they are it's probably because your innner European & Russian self is taking itself too seriously...(pun intended...oh wait maybe it doesn't even cross over...ya neznayu xa xa)

Life is competition........from my observations I get this general vibe that everyone is competing with one another. It's like we want to be better than our fellow brother and sister that is seated next to us. It's like we ALWAYS have something better to say than them.  It's like we SMILE when they fail, and we hide our tears when it happens to us.  It honestly sickens my stomach how competitive living in this society is like...seriously? What happenened to simply embracing each others differences and living life together in harmony and helping each other out? From a perspective of a "semi" "outsider", It REALLY does look strange and kind of pointless. But then again, I understand that history has alot to do with it as well. Simply surviving these days in this part of Eastern Europe & Russia is a metaphorically speaking a "bloody battle" that must be fought with the entire heart, soul, mind, body and spirit day in and day out. Living in this part of the world is definitely NOT for the weak at heart.
The heart and soul of who you are will simply be murdered if you choose not to stay strong.

NEVER.SMILING..........This is where thee American comes out in me. I FREAKIN LOVE SMILING. It comes so naturallly to me. From the goodness of my Lietuve sirdis, I enjoy being warm and welcoming towards humanity. That is simply who God has created me to be. Taip, I enjoy smiling to my close friends, people I don't know, smiling on every street corner of Europe and Russia. IN Jesus name AHMEN.  THat's my SWAG, it's what I do......but then culturally some people look at you like "BLOODY FOREIGNER.....BLOODY FOREIGNER" and you're like, dang, that haunting poetic European/Russian look was so terrifying......where's my mommy?  So it's kind of funny when you promise to train yourself in the educational field of "The Master of the Arts of How To Not Smile: In European Public: cause that's just.....AWKWARD.........Don't get me wrong,  I do have THEE most haunting Lietuve death stare, and I take FULL advantage of it in it's appropriate moments......

ENGLISH VOCABULARY: So when I came to Lietuva....I thought I spoke......"English". You know, for a Lietuve that lived in the United States most of her life... you think her English know, be somewhat understandable towards Eastern European/Russian society.....Some examples of phrases I have sworn over the grave to NEVER repeat in this part of the world...cause they (as I have tramatizingly experienced) DO NOT cross over on this side of the world. and are simple...."SOCIALLY." "AWKWARD."

"Hey bro, WAZ UP?!?!"
"Dang, I like yo swag"
I'm SO FREAKIN Tired...
FREAKIN this FREAKIN that (you get my point, don't use FREAKIN....)
ah FREAKIN men (it's a struggle, one of my favorite all time slang phrases)
I LOVE BLYNAI, I LOVE LITHUANIAN AIR, SKY, TREES, ARCHITECTURE!!! (one simply DOES NOT "love" things that are not alive....HUGE social taboo....)

Or let's say for another example I was talking with someone and said " My cat died".......seriously? are you kidding me? What kind of English is that!?!?!??! I feel like everything I say has to be ELABORATED in a very highly proffesional manner as if EVERY conversation I have is being addressed to to the president of France. "My royal cat named  Sashalina, Dancija Chernvoya the 8th, was an ever so lovely orange feline who lived such a great legacy to the age of 23. She was a descendant from one of Lithuania's first king's pet's and her rare royal blood was passed on from generation to generation."
DANG....that was one hell of a cat....

At the end of the day, one of my greatest passions in life is to simply live in international communities and really get to know people, their lives, hearts and stories. I really enjoy learning from all the beautiful culturally awakward moments that happen to me a million times over on a daily basis....I hope that this reflection in a way,  get's you thinking about culturally how you grew up and how living in an international society has affected that......


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Meaningless Song

Life has become a meaningless song
You listen to the lyrics but you don't understand them
You listen to that song "because everyone else is"
It reflects the culture, and not your true heart
The beat moves you, but the words breathe death
The words SCREAM of God's Love  towards humanity
but WE are  blinded and desensitzed by the reality of this world
The music that once warmed and changed hearts
Has been drowned out and conformed...
to the color of the old grey Soviet block on the deserted street corner...

"No God"

She sat there by the cold kitchen table
Shivers running up her spine, her entire body,
the sad solemn expression that portrayed many years of sorrows and life experiences,
He painfully avoided eye contact with her,
With a tear in his eye,
She looked into his young Baltic brown eyed face,
As he lifelessy said,
And she let the words echo like a prayer
over the neighbor's house,
the city,
the entire country,
endlessly into eternity,
She stared deeply into his eyes for the longest time,
She pursed her wine red lips,
As if she could see through the soul of who he was,
and for the first time,
She could feel his pain,
His sorrow,
His sadness,
His depression,
His secrets that no one knows,
The first time in His life his heart was broken by this fallen world,
His tears,
His questions without answers,
Why he never smiled,
but when he did,
it simply made her heart melt with joy,
and OH how much she wished that he KNEW what she knew.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Evangelism in Lietuva Part 1

Many people have been asking me this question lately....."Why Lithuania?......Kodėl Lietuva?"
I honestly don't even know  where to begin. As I was walking the cold rainy streets of Klaipeda this afternoon, I was reminding myself as to why exactly I was here.... Why would a Lithuanian who lived in America most of her life move BACK to Lietuva...seriously Why? Most people would say that makes COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL SENSE. You know, in some aspects it is true. In the world's eyes moving back to Lietuva doesn't make sense, but in God's eyes it makes perfect sense. The illogical is made logical in God's eyes. I'll never forget the hot desertous 40 Celcius day I was walking the poorest street in Macedonia exactly a year and a half ago, and God simply whispered ONE word to my heart......"Lietuva"....My entire mind, heart and being stood frozen on the dusty abandoned road.....and that was the beginning of one of my greatest adventures with God and my music missionary calling to Eastern Europe.

I simply have a passion to love on all the people of Eastern Europe. God has given me a heart for Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Belarus...and so on. When everyone or some people lost hope in their countries, God inspired me with a new hope to bring back. I really believe with my whole heart that God is going to doing many amazing wonders in the Baltics that will forever impact each nation within the next years and decades......

Several days ago, I was chatting with some of my dearest sisters, and we were discussing our vision for Lietuva when it comes to Christ.......What would it take to reach EVERYONE in Lithuania for Christ?
I really enjoy open minded  theological questions that have no definite answer or solution....

I firmly believe in the complete healing and restoration of this country, whatever it takes, I believe it is possibe in God's perfect timing. I completely believe NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD.
I firstly believe ALOT OF PRAYER is going to shake the foundations of Lietuva. Simply praying as often as possible for Lietuva. Also, simply taking the time to get to know each dear soul that God blesses me to cross paths with in this beautiful life. From my perspective,
Loving people for God, is an artistic mess, It's open to interpretation. It's never going to be the same every time, and to Jesus that is simply beautiful.

If I could sit down with every Lithuanian and tell them about Jesus, this is what I would say....

Jesus loves you more than you can ever imagine. He died on the CROSS for your sins, because He loved you that much,  and then rose again so you could have eternal life with Him after this life. I would tell you that Jesus desires to have a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with you, He's simply NOT a historical figure that looks down from heaven and is angry with you...He is ANYTHING but that. He smiles down upon your beautiful soul. You can simply talk to Jesus like He is your best friend. You can share EVERY detail of your life with Him.  The EMPTINESS  you feel every morning you wake up, is the God shaped hole in your heart that only Jesus can fill with His hopeful love. This relationship with Jesus will COMPLETELY TRANSFORM your life, and your PURPOSE and MEANING of life will be found in Him. He can heal you from every scar, every pain, every depression in your life......

I think it's CRUCIAL to simply be who God created you to be. You will then attract people according to who you are. Even if you might stick out in society, and people might judge you and not understand you, just be who you are anyway. I think the world needs more brave souls who are willing to stand out for God's glory. I look back at my own life, and how many times have I MOCKED  my dearest Savior, because I was SO ASHAMED to be myself because I felt SO DIFFERENT from everyone else around me?  I believe at the end of the day, the cost of hiding who I really am to others is alot greater, than pretending to be like everyone else in society.

Loving dearest Lietuva for Jesus will be the greatest challenge of my life, but I know deep down in my heart, that the hardest things in life are ALWAYS the most worth doing in God's eyes.......


Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Forgive You

In response to this past weekend's inspirational speakers at LCC.....
One phrase that really struck me was,

 "I simply had to forget about "him" and move on."

This poetic expression struck my heart in such a way.

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to all my dearest sisters.

Throughout our lives we've met so many guys. Wither it be our annoying brother that we would enjoy shipping in a cardboard box to Siberia to your closest friend to that handsome dark brown hair, deep blue eyed young Russian man.....or whatever in your case.
Some of our relationships with them have gone well, others have completely shattered our hearts into a million stained glass pieces. I would like to focus on the shattered glass that occupies the dusty attic corners of our hearts.
I look back on my life, and I question so many friendships and relationships. I question God everyday why some relationships never worked out. It's like you meet what you thought was the perfect young man, but something happens, and you're left standing there completely lost.
So traditionally, when a young man breaks our hearts, our first reaction? Well, let's be honest, we pretty much want to kill him. Straight.up. Seriously. Our hearts and minds are beyond traumatized and we are emotionally devasted. We simply then try to "FOREVER FORGET HIM"...........but somehow the pain in our hearts still remains, long after that.

As I was praying about this whole idea, God challenged me with the following.
What if we instead of  "Completely forever forgetting...."him"....We PRAYED for him..........Pray that God would bless and completely restore his heart and life. Sounds a little mind blowing, doesn't it? Sounds like something that "he" doesn't really deserve? I know..... But seriously, I BELIEVE in the power of prayer like no other. I don't think we even realize how POWERFUL our prayers truly are. Prayer takes the two hardest coldest most impossibly closed hearts, and softens them into the texture of the most beautiful golden sunset and brings them back to life.

I FORGIVE YOU for being indirect
I FORGIVE YOU for scarring the heart and soul of who I am
I FORGIVE YOU for all the misunderstandings
I FORGIVE YOU for all your dishonesty
I FORGIVE YOU for never really understanding who I was
I FORGIVE YOU for judging me
I FORGIVE YOU for all the times you made me cry my eyes out
I FORGIVE YOU for completely leaving me hanging, standing there in horror, absolutely speechless

Why do I choose to forgive you, may ask? The answer is simple, the reality of applying it can simply be pure hell at times. Since Jesus forgave me of my sins, on the cross, once and for all, I have firmly decided in my heart to "Forgive him"...... I encourage you dear sister to write that forgiveness note wither you send it to him directly, or tear it up and burn it....just knowing in your heart so that you would have a peace.....
I Forgive you.......i forgive

Missing by Flyleaf:

Valuable by Remedy Drive:

Friday, October 11, 2013


Breathe in,
but don't breathe out,
remember the day you forgot how to smile,
your serious haunting poetic death stare,
let it consume your soul,
start wearing see through floral blouses,
where your bra is clearly seen,
 this is the fashion
give in
put on that scandalous wine is everything red lipstick,
you must impress,
oh how you must impress "him",
wear those high heel shoes that make your toes freeze a cold siberian blue,
walk as if you have three men walking behind you
 Let the culture shock kiss your lips like a scandalous betrayal lover,
You thought you knew how to sing?
Who are you to sing?
Believe those lies.
Yeah, right, you let it slip through the cracks of your broken heart a long time ago.
The pressure just murders your soul.
You look at yourself in the mirror,
and cry out in absolute horror,
your knees start shaking as you collapse to the cold hard unwelcoming ground,
and you scream, "My dear God, what have I done with my life !?!?!?"
and He whispers to you,
"My most precious daughter, I love you..........I love you...........I love you,
you for you.
I created you SO unique, SO original, SO beautiful,
you don't need to impress "him",
just be yourself,
and the right "him"
will come along in My perfect timing,
My dearest daughter,
don't be afraid to sing with the voice I gave you,
show them who I am,
show them how I changed your life forever with your precious musical heart,
how I put a heart warming smile on your face, and a sparkling light in your eyes,
and the echoing laughter in your soul,
I pray my most precious daughter, that you NEVER lose the soul of who you are....


Friday, September 6, 2013

His Heart

I was walking the streets of my greatest passion in life,
I looked into his dreamy Baltic brown eyes,
I smiled at her echoing laughter,
and I just cried.
I cried as I walked to class.
I cried when I walked to the store.
I cried as I met every beautiful soul.
I cried as I sang my first song on Lietuva soil.
I couldn't help but cry at God's miracle of the impossible.
To stand on Lithuanian soil was the greatest challenge of my life.
I don't think you realize what it took to get here.
Every hell,
Every heaven,
Every painful tear,
Every scar,
Every depression,
Every joy,
Every smile,
Every laugh,
Every dance,
Every song written,
Every prayer prayed,
All the times I wanted to give up on moving to Lietuva,
I look back,
and I thank God that I didn't.
It was SO worth to meet you.
My dear God,
words can't even begin to describe the excitement in my heart.
and my mind endlessly wanders as my soul whispers to itself...
So this it what it took to get to God's heart.....
So THIS it what it takes to get to God's heart.....
 God's heart...
God heart.....
Oh his beautiful heart.....

Thursday, September 5, 2013


I have a confession to make,
to declare,
I woke up to the most beautiful Lietuva sunrise,
I just wanted to cry at it's honest beauty,
which my heart had abandoned,
I decided to do a week long experiment,
where I would "blend" in culturally,
So I started wearing black high heel shoes,
I started walking in a very serious authoritative manner,
I stopped smiling,
I painted my nails wine red, and made sure they were absolutely flawless,
and as I was walking home this late evening,
I thought to myself,
What the HELL was I doing?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Who was I trying to IMPRESS?!?!?!
Trying to change myself into someone I'm not.
Trying to blend into a culture my heart was never made for.
 Flyleaf's lyrics SCREAMED through my Lietuve soul,
"I don't know who I am anymore...
Not once in life have I been real, but I've never felt this close before...
I've been looking in your window....
I've been dressing in your clothes...
I've been walking dead watching you...." 

Growing up, I thought I dressed  really nice,
then realizing the high maintenance culture shock many years later,
my greatest fashion day,
was but filthy rags in the eyes of Lietuva,
and in that moment,
I realized,
that if I chose to conform,
the Lietuve soul of who I am,
would be forever lost,
the alive passion in my heart and eyes would die,
and the whole phrase of "Be a voice not an echo"....(Barlow Girl)
took on an entirely new meaning....
Why the HELL did I choose to be an echo,
When God told me that I could be a voice?
I may never entirely fit in this culture of my own flesh and blood,
but I simply cannot give up
my passion,
my love,
my laughter,
my LOUD voice,
my overly colorful punk rock dress style,
crazy spike glue Polish dreadlocks hair,
wine red lipstick,
black lace up boots,
It would be like Judas' kiss.
Looking into the eyes of a lover I was never meant to know.

This Close ~Flyleaf <3

Sunday, August 11, 2013


The past couple days have been quite challenging for my life. In my epitome of discouragement, I came across a book my best friend Jenna gave to me before I left for Germany. It is called “The Crowd, The Critic, And The Muse” by Michael Gungor. I recommend this book to ANY artistic/creative musical soul. You have not LIVED until you’ve read this book. God has this way of always putting books in my path, when I need to read them the most.   I’d like to dedicate this following reflection to all my dearest brothers and sisters who have ever felt like the following, and need some encouragement in their creative artisticness.

Pg. 25 The Crowd, The Critic And The Muse

That night, I decided to stop singing. After the concert, I didn’t sing a not for anyone for four years.”
Four years! She didn’t even insult me. She just didn’t compliment me. This is how fragile the ego can be in connection with our creative expressions. The critics voices is so powerful because it resonates with the voices of our deepest fears, those voices speaking from inside of us, telling us that we are not good enough. The critics confirm our repressed and terrified suspicions that we don’t measure up, that we are unsafe and unlovable.
We can hear “Bravo!” from ninety-nine voices, but they don’t mean nearly as much as the “Eh” from the one. The voice of the critic can be like a hot dagger that reaches the heart quickly and surely…But the critic’s voice is untrustworthy…the voice that I heard that night from my grandma’s lack of compliment said “You are worthless as a singer. YOU SHOULD STOP SINGLING FOREVER. In reality what she was probably thinking was more like, “That performance was not very good. You need to work harder.” Or perhaps, she didn’t even realize that she hadn’t said anything to me and didn’t think much about it either way. But whatever it was, I heard something else. This is how it works with the voice of the critique. It is untrustworthy; more is always heard than spoken.
Creators are prone to listening too intently to the voice of the critic. We change ourselves and our art to please the critic so that we can feel safe, feel like we are worth something. But the critic doesn’t care about your work in the same way that you do. The critic’s voice is most often the voice of the preoccupied, a voice concerned with its own issues and its own ego. You are just a brief flicker on its radar screen. “
The voice of the critic is not sturdy enough to build your work on. It’s too fickle, too fleeting.”

Lately, my heart has really resonated with the following passage.  As a passionate artist when it comes to music and artistic painting expression I am reminded of countless incidences in my life where I simply had those thoughts of  “YOU SHOULD STOP SINGING FOREVER”.  Coming from my situation of life, I’d say my musical soul is VERY fragile. I’ve had moments where musical life has gone well, and  those moments of life where I just wanted to die on the spot and never show my Lietuve face in public again. What I’ve noticed in my life as a general trend culturally, we are SO AFRAID to admit that we have “failed”. For me I never believe we have “failed” at life. As long as you have blood flowing through your veins, you’re breathing….You’re still ALIVE……… Growing up in a culture where “failure” is highly looked down upon,  I believe it forms this mindset that is unrealistic. It’s always a blessing to come across books and articles where musicians/artists, share their successes and FAILURES. It’s like “PRAISE GOD! THEY FAILED AND WERE ABLE TO GROW AND LEARN FROM IT!!!!” I sometimes feel like I’m the only one in the world who has failed musically. Personally, I think it’s best to hear both perspectives not just solidly one or the other.

I know me, growing up I always doubted my singing. It’s that little voice I heard as a child, “Oh, your voice is nice, but you should focus on something else….” When I accepted Christ when I was 8, looking back 12 years ago, He clearly anointed my life with the passion to sing. It was that voice inside my soul that even if I wanted to stop singing and ignore it I couldn’t. I look back and there are SO SO SO many “failing” situations vocally that could have made me never want to sing again, but I encourage you dear friend, even when it’s hard and the critic’s voice is MURDERING your SOUL keep persevering, keep pushing through and God will bless you for holding on to the very last moment. I honestly don’t know why I held on to my passion for singing so long.
So with that said, just thought I’d share with you some of my musical stories, that I can now look back upon and sweetly laugh.
I remember when I was around 8 I started taking piano lessons.  For most children piano is something that you eat, breathe and sleep from where I grew up. Over the years, my heart learned to greatly despise this instrument. There was just something about playing the piano that reminds my soul of so many musical scars. Performing in public was one of them. I hated recitals. Piano recitals were like a death sentence to me. I remember when I was about 15, and I played the variation of “Amazing Grace”. I held onto the pedal for too long, and it totally killed the song. I was in a gym auditorium so the sound quality was terrible to begin with…..I just walked off the stage in horror thinking that I would never be able to play such a common melody again.
Also, I remember I had to memorize and sing the song “Porcelain Heart” by Barlow Girl. It was a very hauntingly poetic moving song, and as an 8th grader anything past the high C was a struggle vocally. There was this particular part in the song
“Creator, only you take brokenness, and create it into beauty once again”.
I totally murdered that part of the song. My high C was scratchy, raspy, nervousness kicked in….Ahmen to Ahmen. And knowing my soul, for me to murder an artistic poetic line that inspires my heart is such a devastating feeling.
I remember when I was  18 and I decided to sing the song “Before the Morning” by Josh Wilson. I only practiced the song for a few weeks, it was kind of a last minute vocal decision…. My piano teacher started playing the melody, but it was too fast, and I sang part of the song in the wrong key….I think. I performed this song in front of my entire highschool, so as you can guess I just wanted to melt and die and never show my face again. To make it worse, I remember I was also hoping to impress this guy that I liked at the time… much for that…….SIGH….God has a cute sense of humor. To this day, I still can’t sing that song without my heart feeling so traumatized.

These are just a few of the many examples of what I once thought were “musical failures”. I’m learning that it’s okay for those moments of life to happen.  These moments happen so God can grow us more to be like Him. We learn lessons we otherwise would have not learned. Coming from a European culture perspective, I feel like as a child perfection was required, it was not an option.  I know especially in Europe, standards for music and art are very high, so it’s easy to become discouraged and hide your creativeness inside. This is a place in my heart where I believe God has called me to be a voice for my dearest European/Russian brothers and sisters.  I may not be Beethoven or Mozart, but I FIRMLY BELIEVE if God has given you a heart to express yourself creatively through music or art or whatever, then EXPRESS YOURSELF. Excuse my language, but  Don’t give a SHIT at what people are going to think. Even if they judge you. Honestly, to BLOODY HELL with what they think. I know for me for the past several years, I have been struggling with what people think of me as a musician and an artist. It’s a battle in my heart and soul every day, but with Christ, I do my best to overcome it and pray for strength to NEVER stop expressing myself for His glory.

The Law .

I dedicate this poem to any of my dear brothers and sisters who have ever felt like they have been misunderstood, judged, or simply afraid of showing the world  your God given true self. My heart goes out to you <3

I’ll never forget my darkest night on German soil
The loud screaming thunder echoed the cries of my silenced heart
I ran out into the haunting cloudy dark depressing pounding rain
My muddy barefoot steps illuminated by the terrifying lightening
and as I collapsed to my knees on the drowned soil that was gasping for air but had no comfort,
so was I,
reality had hit me too hard in the face,
I couldn’t stand it’s painful blows,
I just wanted to strangle the law that was passed in 2010,
The cursed fact that I couldn’t escape,
I was just so sick of the lies,
I promised myself that if being deathly honest was the key that would end it all,
That would just end the beautiful gaze in his deep blue glaza,
So be it,
I hate the past,
I’m ashamed of my past,
I’m sick of explaining to people of my past,
I had no choice of my past,
It happened,
And the scars of 20 years later remain,
Seriously, don’t judge,
If you would have walked in my shoes,
You would have understood my pain and scars,
You’re honestly so narrow minded,
Judging me out,
Because I wasn’t born into the country I wish I could have been,
Travel the world,
Gain some global perspective,
Get out of your” little country is the entire world” mindset,
Open your heart,
Open your eyes,
I choose to be honest,
It hurts like hell to be honest,
As I look in your blue glaza,
But the time has come,
To show and be my true self,
And whatever happens,
Is simply God’s will,
I honestly hate being honest,
Because of your judgments and misconceptions,
But I’m honestly so done with this mask of lies,
I’m so done with trying to impress you and act like I have it all together,
Being someone I’m not,
It’s time to be my true self,
And simply forget what you think.

Lithuanian Musicianary

Lithuanian Musicianary
I can’t believe in 15 days I will be on dearest Lithuanian soil once again. It has truly been the longest 5 years of my life. I’m still speechless how God provided a way for me to move back to Lithuania. Exactly 15 months later, this beautiful Eastern European life has unfolded before my very eyes.  With my extreme excitement, comes extreme life changes and responsibilities. This morning it hit me like no other at the reality of what I was actually doing with my life. Moving back to Lithuania for God, to attend university and begin this Eastern European music mission’s passion that God placed on my heart. To be honest, I’m SO excited, it’s hard to fall asleep these nights, on the other hand I’m as TERRIFIED AS HELL. I remember as I was praying this morning, I simply gave this Lithuanian missions passion back to God. Realizing the challenges that lie ahead, I honestly feel so inadequate and unqualified for what God has called me to do. When I get to Lithuania, I will be meeting Lithuanian pastors and churches for the first time in my life. I am literally starting from NOTHING and making something. I do have a few missionary connections in Lietuva (how you say Lithuania in Lithuanian) but other than that I’m completely trusting God for vision and direction.  At the age of 20, from the bottom of my heart, I feel so blessed to have gone through so many crazy cultural experiences. It’s as if all the moments of my life, the heavens, hells, joys and depressions, God has been preparing me for this move to Lietuva.  I know I will literally cry my eyes out once I touch Lietuva soil. To me, Lietuva is my home. Where my own flesh and blood is from.  I can be mistaken for being Russian, Polish, the cursed A word, or some other Slavic country,  but at the end of the day in my heart of hearts I’m Lithuanian. I feel like Lithuania is a forgotten country by the world. Nobody honestly really knows where it is. Most people associate it as the country that borders Poland and Russia. We are a small nation of about 5 million people. To fight for my identity as a Lithuanian isn’t easy. Whatever society may say, I believe there is only hope for Lithuania and the rest of the Baltic countries (Estonia & Latvia). I firmly believe that only greater things have yet to come and God is going to do many miracles of the impossible.
As for what direction and visions God has given me for Lietuva so far……
I would love to start a music ministry band and eventually have it associated with Steiger International’s Platform of Evangelistic Artists.  The style would be metal core…..with its moments of acoustic when needed. I’m praying that while I’m in Lithuania God will bless me with the band members. It would be a dream to have band members from Poland, Russia, Ukraine, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Czech Republic….any European country……
I would also like to have No Longer Music (One of Steiger’s international outreach bands) come tour in Lithuania within the next 2 years. I’ve never organized a music ministry tour before, so I’m trusting God to come through on this if it is His will. Potential cities to set up the tour in would be: Vilnius, Klaipeda, Kaunas, Marijampole, Siauluai and other smaller towns.
Also being in Lithuania, I simply just want to get to know my people better and really get to understand how they view life and God. Just simply establishing lifelong friendships and living life together. I would like to start coffee shop ministries as well.

The Baltic Initiative…This is a church planting organization specifically dedicated to planting churches in Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. God has also placed church planting on my heart.

It’s really hard for me to summarize all these crazy ideas that God has placed on my heart for Lietuva, but I trust that He will make these visions even more clear as time moves on.  Dearest friends, I continue to ask for your prayers, as I take one of the largest steps of faith in this crazy beautiful life! =)