Collapsing

My feet stood frozen in the Siberian snow
I thought my grey boots were water proof,
but the  slushy brown whiteness seeped through, soaking my mismatched colored socks,
such a discomforting feeling,
my heart was filled with overwhelming anxiety,
I knew what had to be done,
but I didn't have the courage to do it,
I had waited so many months for this very moment,
yet why was my heart murdered by  fear?
It was like my soul was at war,
it kept bouncing back from one extreme end to another,
DO IT
DON"T DO IT
DO IT
DON"T DO IT
DO IT DON'T DO IT
DO IT
DON"T DO IT
My head and stomach felt so dizzy,
I just wanted to collapse to the cold wooden floor and never get back up again.
But reality was, I had to get back up,
even though my soul was drowning in the Atlantic abyss,
so beyond lost,
I prayed to God to give me strength,
to follow through,
for His heart,
His plans,
His dreams,
His visions,
knowing that there were only greater things that lay ahead,
if I just had the courage to hold on a little while longer,
the little while longer feel like 10 years per day,
 somedays it's so hard to trust God,
His plans for our lives can seem so impossible and ridiculous,
as the world around you mocks and laughs at your stupidity at following Christ,
but regardless of what humanity thinks,
I have chosen to keep moving forward,
trusting that God will come through in His perfect timing....

The City Has Lost Its Color

She remember those naiive days
When "moving to the cities" seemed like the second best idea from going to heaven,
A country girl at heart's dream,
to explore the world,
and all its crazy wonders,
The city was like a Russian lover,
oh how you just wanted to gaze into his deep dark seemingly charming brown eyes forever,
oh how his hands ran through her curly brown hair,
but  his heart proved to be rotten to the core,
So deceptive,
like a city that had lost its color,
everyone else around her saw the city brightly illuminated,
shades of strawberry red, sunset orange, lemon yellow, wild jungle green, dreamy blue sky.
but through her tired and wearied eyes, she saw a  lifeless grey, black and white,
the once dream place,
of pure musical passion,
was but a mere decaying brick building,
that seemingly offered so much hope,
now she just stood there and stared blankly at it,
in the same spot where she stood exactly a year ago,
sweet, innocent brown hazel eyes, cute floral headband, Asian braids, black skinny jeans,
 fully alive, full of energy thinking "This was it! this has to be it! I have found that "perfect' sparkling diamond!"
OH how the city has lost its color,
She remembers when she met him,
It was like the impossible blessing from heaven before her very eyes,
He seemed too good to be true,
and eventually it proved to be he sadly was,
he hid his beautiful angel kissed face,
behind a masquerade of lies,
that he would never seem to reveal,
she knew deep down he was a wonderful man,
but his heart was simply too afraid,
too afraid of what could be,
 of what could have  been,
he decided to step aside,
and watch her life from the sidelines,
just waiting to see if she would even notice,
of course she noticed,
every passing day,
that was one step closer into eternity,
but in her heart she didn't know if the time was right,
to take that risk,
so she just gave him to God,
kissed him goodbye in her mind,
and walked away,
OHh how the city has lost its color,
Oh dear city why have you lost your color?,
Most precious dearest city,
you're losing your color,
it's fading, your  colors fading,
slowly dying,
like a shriveled up red rose,
that once breathed a sign of hope,
now lays lifelessly dried up,
OHhh how the city has lost its color....

Dear Future Whoever You Are

In honor of Valentine's Day this year, just thought I'd post a cute little summary of characteristics I'm looking for in my future husband.....don't laugh too hard...=P

1) Must love Jesus more than he loves my crae crae cute, innocent Lietuve self
2) Has a heart for global music ministry missions, specifically the Eastern European/Russian region of the world
3) Must love children =) 
4) Would be nice if he actually is a musician of some sort
5) MUST speak Russian (this MAY be waived depending on who he is...)
6) Is simply FREAKIN.HILARIOUS. & not afraid of embarrassing himself in European public
7) Is not afraid of adventure and traveling all over Europe and Russia and the world & being immersed in a diverse amount of cultural situations.
8) Must be able to survive a Devil Wears Prada/As I Lay Dying concert, cause this is what he's getting himself into for the rest of his life....#hardcore.Eastern.European/Russian.music.missions.
9) Would be nice if he had a sense of European fashion....(seriously what man does?...they all need help....like dang...so much help) or at least have some appreciation for the colorful/hipster/ punk rock dress style  and have a crazy wild emo/punk hairstyle....
10) He CAN be American...YES...I, just that he CAN be American....okay wait...I'm having second thoughts...

If you match up with all or a couple...call me....=P 
<3,
Ruslana Evelyn

Frozen

I stood there as still as death on this dark snowless night
My heart had unfortnately realized a sad reality
I can't believe my foolishness,
Oh my year long foolishness,
Why had it taken me SO LONG?
Oh you foolish Lithuanian child!
What were you thinking?
To ensnare yourself in an American lover's trap,
you scandalous soul,
What were you thinking?
What was I thinking?....seriously
Just realizing how this moment of time came SO FREAKIN close to not being,
All the God coincidence circumstances that it took to get to this very moment,
proves that this life in America was sadly, never meant to be.
It's so hard to let you go,
You have no idea,
Having to write you a goodbye letter,
my hands are too weak to hold the cursed pen,
to the crumbling coffee stained paper,
Oh why did it have to come to this?,
this shattered letter,
which could revive the heart to life,
or forever crush it into darkness,
I have yet to find out,
The question is,
do I want to find out?
So with a very heavy eastern european heart,
I move, I mean crawl on,
into the unknown,
trusting Someday, God will bless us with the chance to cross paths....again...
until then....
the time that passes will simply be frozen....

My Euromerica life

Even if my parents never told me I was Lithuanian,
I would have sensed that there was something different,
and I still would have passionately gone after whatever that something was....

Looking back to the start of this Lithuanian fundraising year I simply thought this would be one of those seasons of life that I quickly slip into, and GLADLY run out of an never look back...
But it wasn't so.....
I knew taking a year off working all the time would feel like hell...
At the beginning of this Lietuva passion, I LITERALLY thought I was going to...as the saying goes...."cut the cord"....as in missions terms, as  one of my professor's once said....Like I thought after this year was over I would completely CUT OFF everything in the United States that I had ever known....memories, relationships, just EVERYTHING, and forget what the first 2 decades was and start off fresh in Lietuva..... I think part of me had gone mad at the time as well, because I was STILL  shockingly
digesting the thought that God was calling me to take off a year from college to raise all these funds for a German missions school and Lithuanian university....
As this year continued, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, even if I wanted to, I absolutely couldn't forget my American life. All the dear souls, family, friends, who supported me through their prayers and simply just being their for me during some of the hardest times of my life....Wither I liked this reality or not, America would always be part of my heart. As deathly hard as it is to balance two completely different worlds European and American, I am slowly coming to the peace of having to accept this. I know for some of you, these thoughts may not make any sense, having never been in the situation of "balancing 2 worlds"  but I hope you somehow understand....
Just like all situations of life, living in the United States had it share of scars which I would never re-live. But I realize that if those scars hadn't burned me, I wouldn't be the same person, or in the same situations that I am/in. As hard as that is for me to even realize. In the United States I accepted Christ as my savior, discovered Christian music, and met so many beautiful dear souls. I wouldn't trade those heavenly moments EVER.  Highschool here was an absolute joke and insult to who I am as a Lithuanian. Europe somehow was this hopeful light in my heart. Obviously my European life wasn't perfect as well. Visiting Europe growing up birthed a passion in my heart for music ministry and missions. I look back on this beautiful life, and I'm left SO Speechless how God simply lined EVERYTHING up ever so perfectly at the right time and place. Like for example, discovering Christian rock music when I was 8 and listening to such deep melodic lyrics as a child, reading books more than I talked up until age 12 has made me a creatively inspired writer...or discovering Trevor McNevan's music when I was 10, who would have EVER thought that his punk rock influence would inspire me to create my own artistic punk rock persona? Same with discovering Jason Dunn's music.....the whole punk rock thing.....God is working even amongst the smallest details....If it wasn't for God introducing me to the Russian culture through this one Russian rock band, I probably wouldn't have developed such a passion for the culture or language, and I think of all the beautiful souls I wouldn't have met if I didn't have this passion....All those life coincidences...It's absolutely INSANE how God works...down to every freakin second!

Being in Europe just makes my soul come ALIVE....like FREAKIN ALIVE....I don't even know how to describe this state of happiness. Is it for the fact that my own flesh and blood live in Lithuania? Definitely yes. For those of you dearest friends who have relatives in the United States if there's one thing I've learned, DON'T take your relatives forgranted...I know this sounds like a DUH moment...but seriously what I would GIVE to be sitting next to my Lietuve mocute (Lithuanian grandma) and just talk with her while making Lietuvos blynas.....EVERY DAY...instead of maybe once every 5 or more years.....Maybe this is why the whole crazy Lietuva 2013 idea came to be....Simply missing the ones you love who are thousands of miles away from your heart, and you're just TIRED of being separated from your own flesh and blood, and are just TIRED of missing out on memories that could have been.........

I can only imagine what lies ahead in this crazy beautiful EuroMerica....I mean...
EURO?
America?
LIFE!?!?!?!?
I can't decide which one.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Our Hell

I'll never forget the day,
we were driving into the Minneapolis sunset,
 and I boldy said,
"The scars of communism DO NOT define who we are,
They have NO control over our
PASSIONS,
VISIONS,
& DREAMS!
TO DEATH WITH YOU BLOODY SCARS!"
....and we smiled,
laughed it off,
gave each other high fives,
and confidently moved on in our agreement......

Unless you're that fortunate or unfortunate "first generation American" as society labels us, that dear European or Russian soul who went through it or were born during or after it,
or were adopted from a Soviet controlled country,
those above words have no meaning for you,
One does simply not understand,
 what it's like to grow up,
 being that post soviet generation of dreamers,
having to wake up every morning,
and fight this invisible bloody war,
not for yourself,
but for your generation,
in your country,
who is slowly dying an unconscious death each day
because of the aftermath,
of communism's thoughts,
we are SO discouraged,
we are SO broken,
 we SCREAM in silence,
and no one hears us,
just ask the 21 year old young Lithuanian man,
he'll tell you....
Look into the eyes  on an 8 year old  beggar boy on the streets of Vilnius,
 his tears will tell you,
Hold a lovely Macedonian girls hand as you dance with her and twirl her in circles,
Her laughter will tell you,
Ask the lonely Italian man walking the streets of Rome on New Years eve,
his silence will kill you,
Hug the precious blond hair blue eyed Icelandic child,
the essence of her sweetness will melt your heart,
Look deeply in the eyes of a young Russian man,
the sadness in his musical soul will  painfully scream through you......
and leave you breathless,

Everyday you walk by us,
and you don't even know who we are....

When I See You I See ScarZ

Just because communism scarred you,
doesn't mean it has to scar me,
I'm not going to let it,
I think it's time for you to heal,
to move on from your past,
forgive your dear brothers and sisters,
I know this is easier said than done,
but I don't think you even realize how your discouragment,
brokeness,
sadness,
teary filled eyes,
affect the way
my heart dreams,
sings,
dances,
smiles,
believes,
hopes,
trusts,
laughs,
and most of all
loves.
It hurts to stand for what I know is right.
but someone has to be bold.
I don't regret the way of life I've chosen.
You might not like it.
But I'm slowly learning that its ok.
Its sad that you don't understand why I do what I do.
Sometimes I don't even know.
One day, years later you'll look back,
and things will make perfect sense.
As for now, all I can do is pray for you,
and not give up on this hope that Jesus has forever placed in my heart...