Thoughts on VISION

After attending the History Makers conference in Lietuva several weeks ago, I felt inspired to write about one of my favorite passions in life.....VISION. I pray that this following reflection would be an encouragement to those of you dearest friends who are still in search of your God inspired vision and for those of you who already know what your vision is.....

Looking back on my life, I feel like God's vision has always been upon me in some way. When I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 8 years old for the very first time, I'll never forget that was the day He placed the passion of Christian music on my heart. God began inspiring me through creative melodies and lyrics at a very young age.  Between the ages of 10-17 I eat, breathed, and sleeped Christian music festivals. I went to at least 2 Christian music festivals per summer during those ages, which I can honestly say, HEAVILY influenced me in my music ministry passion. An endless amount of concerts, I can't even count.  When I was 15 I remember visiting my relatives in Lithuania. God tore my heart apart. That is when He placed the passion of Eastern European missions/ministry/evangelism on my heart. My heart started to break for all my dearest Lithuanians who didn't know Jesus as their personal Savior. So take these two passions Jesus, Lietuva & music ministry...and you get......what?.....exactly....hmmmm.......

I believe that is one way from my personal experience how God can show you His vision for your life. Take the time to evaluate those things in your life that you are truly passionate about, those dreams in your heart that you would rather DIE than have them not come true.

Furthermore, from personal experience I believe as God is developing His vision for you, He can also change it depending on the experiences you go through and the people you meet in your life.For example, about 2-3 years before I moved back to Lietuva, God placed the passion on my heart to start some sort of version of what I like to call "Hillsong Lietuva"...believe it or not.......then one morning I woke up and He was like, "Aiste, you're going to start a Lithuanian metal core band".......just kidding not literally like that......I would say a turning point in my vision development was at my Steiger Missions School in Germany summer 2013. God turned my world upside down. I'll never forget literally walking through the German forests and fields where not a single human soul could be found, simply seeking God with a desperate heart asking for His will for my life. Many endless hours of prayer happened there. I knew during that time that I wanted to start some sort of music ministry in Lietuva, but I didn't know the exact specific details or even genre at the time. To make the situation even MORE ridiculous, during that time of my life, I didn't even know if I was EVER going to move back to Lithuania. It was a very spiritually challenging time in my life that brought me to my knees.  As my dear brothers and sisters at my missions school were ever so kindly praying for me, and as I continued to seek God and pray and pray and pray and pray until I couldn't pray anymore......He Firstly revealed to me that moving back to Lithuania in fact, WAS His will, (I'll never forget sharing my testimony at SMS the day I found out, I believe it was July 26th when I found out....) then Secondly He revealed to me that I should start a Christian metal core band, once I got to Lithuania............I kept praying afterwards to confirm that these things were truly HIS WILL and not of my own doing, and He kept confirming over and over that this was meant to be........

Also, when I was at the Steiger Missions School, I had the blessing to talk with a RIDICULOUS amount of people from Germany, Poland, Lithuania, Czech Republic, New Zealand, Austrailia, Brazil, U.S.A., Finland, U.K, Ukraine, Russia and all over the world. After hearing all of their stories, my heart felt so touched and broken for humanity, that is in search of Jesus. I had the privledge to also discover various Christian metal bands from Brazil, Ukraine, Germany, Poland.....and during that time period of my life, for some reason that genre of music resonated with my heart and all the people's stories which solidified the choice of genre for my future music ministry in Lietuva.

I wouldn't say my life was always like this. I vividly remember as a child, up until I was about 15....I read more than I talked. I was afraid of everyone, and I hated talking with people. (For those of you who know me, I know you find this IMPOSSIBLE to believe....but it's true...Somehow, by a miracle, God gave me my "voice" when I was about 16.....I started meeting people like CRAZY at the Christian music festivals I would go to....I started having goals and joked with my friends that I planned on meeting literally "the entire music festival".......cough cough...and let's just say having this goal throughout my life has made me meet quite some interesting people, that has forever changed an altered my life including musicians, bands, artists, hipsters, metal heads, every genre of people you can imagine......So I would say for the past 7 years of my life, God has really used my passion of talking and getting to really know my generation for His glory.

Another keypoint I want to address is Satan's attack. When God is is formulating His vision for your life, there will be GREAT SPIRITUAL OPPOSITION. Let's be honest, Satan wants you to give up on your vision and destroy your life. Everyday, we must rise to the challenge and resist his flaming arrows, through prayer and being in Christian community. I can't even count the times on my fingers of how I wanted to give up on my music ministry passion on vision.Some days I wanted to take my guitar and just through it out the 5 story window and be done. Imagine with me for a second, if God were to reveal to you RIGHT NOW in your heart the ENTIRE future of the vision He has for your life, and that He would show you  EVERY SINGLE PERSON who will accept Jesus as their Savior because of your faithfulness in NOT GIVING UP in your ministry..........with this thought in mind dearest friend, I think we wouldn't even consider the possibility of giving up on our God given vision if we truly knew the impact we were going to have on humanity through Christ.

When Satan and the world STRANGLES you and your God given vision, YOU MUST FIGHT BACK. Don't let Satan or the world suffocate you with their lies. Yes, it will be HELLISHLY hard to reach the finish line, but for God's glory HE WILL give you the strength if you ask Him and seek Him with a desperate heart.

I was chatting with one of my dearest sisters, the other evening, just pouring out my heart at how discouraged I was with my music ministry vision. I honestly wanted to give up. I told her that I just felt like such an idiot with this Christian metal core music ministry and that the world and my own friends were laughing at me and my "foolishness"......She reassuredly told me that God was not done with this vision, and that in HIS PERFECT timing everything would fall into place. She reminded me that it didn't matter what other people thought, and I was reminded that GOD DOESN"T GIVE IRRELEVANT DREAMS ONLY RELEVANT ONES. I told her that God was going to have to pull an "EZEKIEL" and literally make "something out of nothing" as I say and literally take dry bones and turn them into flesh, into real human beings...as in the case of finding metal minded band members.......I was reminded that the another KEY in developing God's vision for your life is perseverance and prayer. During the dry seasons of vision, we must keep pursing God and keep moving forward no matter how hard it seems and no matter how bad we want to quit and give up.

Lastly, (if you've read this far dearest friend, wow, you have no life...just kidding, I really appreciate your time) I have personally experienced Jesus doing MIRACLES OF THE IMPOSSIBLE in my own life...Wither it be completely healing me from my life threatening illness on my death bed at the age of 10 and blessing me with 11 more years of life, healing from a depression and suicidal thoughts so deep only He could have rescued and restored me in the end, to going to Steiger Missions School and meeting so many wonderful people, to simply every person I have ever met in my life and gotten to share my heart and story with them,  and I would say the greatest miracle of all was moving back to Lietuva to start my music ministry passion............

So with these thoughts, I pray that you would find the strength dearest friend, to keep seeking God's heart for His vision for your life, and KNOW that He is FAITHFUL, and in His perfect timing, He will come through and shine His glory down up you....<3

It Was Worth It

As I look back on my life at how God has carried me through,
I can't help but stand in amazement,
and shed a single tear of gratefulness,
I look at those moments of suffering,
and in that time of my life when in hurt so bad,
I wanted to give up, and quit,
because the pain of this life was simply too much,
I fall to my knees and just cry at how God gave me the strength to rise above it,
to persevere through the hardest hells,
and to arise from the beauty of ashes,
somehow....still alive,
It was worth it.....
It's those moments when you realize God has blessed your faithfulness,
those small unforgettable moments of His glory,
were worth all those years of suffering,
SO  WORTH IT,
SO WORTH IT,
just to be alive to see His heart,
His soul,
His smile,
His hope for your people,
AWAKEN,
it's those moments,
you meet that dear soul,
that otherwise you wouldn't have met,
if you would have given up hope,
and then you realize why God told you to hold on to His heart for so long,
and your realize,
IT WAS SO WORTH IT,
For those moments that anyone has ever laughed or judged you,
for going out of your way to love them,
they spit in your face over your passions, visions, dreams,
they mock you, reject you, even lost friendships arise,
For the sake of bearing Jesus name,
IT was worth the rejection,
IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
I just stand here and cry at the beauty,
at Jesus beauty,
that He has let me live to experience,
it's too wonderful for words,
never will I forget such moments,
and never will I forget that look of gleaming hope,
in his hazel brown eyes,
that I thought was impossible to even exist,
It. Was.Worth. It. 

The Day I Kissed Worship Music Goodbye

I don't recall the last time my spirit soared
The last time I felt free
the last time the smile on my face wasn't forced
the last time my tears will real
and came from the honesty of my heart........

It's hard to exactly explain what happened, God knows why...exactly, word for word, melody line for melody line, lyric for lyric.......I would say it gradually started to build over the past couple years of my life.....the more I immersed myself with ministry and missions in Europe....the cries of my heart kept getting stronger and stronger....louder and louder and more desperate with each plea.

As I saw broken humanity all around me, looking into their beautifully lost eyes, each precious soul, each unique and original story, something in my heart was so deeply touched, ever so deeply moved in a way that can never be altered...

My desire for my people to know Jesus became SO GREAT and SO REAL, I couldn't merely sing a reflective worship song, and hope they would hear but rather I wanted to SCREAM about Jesus' love for them. Not the kind of screaming that frightens or discomforts, but rather a passionately loving scream within the desperate aching of my own heart and soul for my people to know Jesus for who He truly is......

And one day I simply woke up, and from that day forward the screaming never stopped. The desperation didn't cease.....

I look back over my life, and smile gratefully at the place my dearest Jesus has brought me too. This wasn't an over night musical/spiritual process, but rather evidence of my walk with Jesus that He was changing my heart for the past 10 years......I look at what it took to get to this place of  screaming and metal core, and it's such a treasure to me....so precious....so priceless....

I still do enjoy a nice reflective worship song here and there....but I would say that was more of who I was between the ages of 8-18.......to say that this is who I am now would be a lie.......I will forever appreciate that sweet season of my life that God let me musically experience, but for now my musical cries, or shall I say screams, are now drowning in a see of metal core...ever so lovely.....ever so passionate...ever so deep......ever so desperate......for a Jesus, for a God who I desire everyone to know. <3 

Confessions of an Eastern European Missionary

You know, honestly the first couple days were absolutely great.

The highs of actually being on the blessed ground of European soil,

Everything seems to be the grass that was greener on the other side dream come true

Everything is your long lost childhood fairy tale unfolding before your very eyes,

It's like a romantic relationship, the first 18 months are just beautiful,

then the 19th hits you like the Iron Curtain in your face with nowhere to escape,

I remember my somewhat naiive missons self not to long ago, back in the month of June, in Germany, 

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into,

or exactly what God meant with the whole "Eastern European missionary calling",

9 months is not really that long of a time,

but I believe it is long enough for honest reflection of experiences.

I would like to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ who God has called to the European missions field.

Let's be honest. It's hard.........like really hard.....like deathly HARD.

After the rosyness of life melts away,

and you're walking a deserted pathway,

with the blizzard of Siberia screaming in your face,

when the depression of reality sets in,

and it hits you.....so God.......you've called me to be an "Eastern European missionary"....

Ka? Tikrai? You seriously must be joking.....OR obviously not.....

I would like to reflect on missons in relevance to the continent of Europe, but what I have learned so far I'm sure can apply to some extent across all cultures.

You have to willingly let yourself be judged by others, not once, not twice, not even three times, but one too many times than you would have liked. and in the midst of this judgement you must still be willing to bear the image of Jesus Christ and turn the other cheek. This my dearest  friends, is NOT easy. When you feel like an outsider and don't belong in the country God has called you too and the people you are called to minister to around you look at you like "What the bloody hell are you doing in my country?" it can be hard to stay spiritually strong. I know that feeling. I really do. 

You must be willing to trust God admist the darkness of this world. When your eyes are opened to the reality that your country of missons is #1 with suicides, and topping the charts with alcoholism and many other issues, it's crucial to remember that regardless of what it may seem, God is still in control and He has not forgotten your country. It's easy to look at the desperate spiritual needs and become depressed that you are one person, and your country is dying in search of the truth, and you feel like it's just too much, and that you just want to give up and take the next plane home. It's tempting yes, but it's important to take into consideration that if God called you to this country to do ministry, He believes in you and will see you through, and help you to accomplish what He started for His glory.

You must be willing to surrender your dreams, visions, and expectations of your missions country completely to God. It's hard because I know from my personal experiences, I dream such overwhelming evangelistic dreams for Lithuania. It takes strength to learn to be patient when you know that God is going to do great things within the next several years. You must remember as you find yourself struggling along in uncharted territory, not to lose hope in the dreams that God placed on your heart for your missions country. They may not happen right away or like you would have planned, but you must keep the fire and passion in your heart alive and never give up on them. These dreams were not put there by accident no matter how ridiculous or irrelevant they may seem. 

I pray and hope you find encouragement and refreshment in these reflections dearest friend. Know that you are not alone on this Eastern European missions field, with all the hardships, struggles, and joys you face along the way. <3 

Fatherless

A metaphorical/poetic illusion of an unforgettable experience.

I promised you I would go,
I stood at the midnight black iron gate
millions of voices all around me,
shouting,
crying out
pushing me to the right
throwing me to the left,
in endless circles I found myself dizzily spinning, holding on for my dear life
and so I entered,
I felt the demons of hell break loose,
the spirits of torment and darkness enclosed my soul,
on the outside she was dressed so beautiful,
as if she were an angel from heaven,
but I could see behind her mask,
my heart broke so desperately for her,
I could see a little girl who wasn't truly loved and appreciated by her father,
I saw a young man, dressed in his finest tuxedo,
quite handsome,
as if he was the prince of some foreign land,
but behind the facade,
I saw a boy who grew up with alcoholic parents,
who had his heart broken, and was searching for someone to love him for who he was,
my knees started to shake,
the tears slowly stared to fall from my face,
I saw so many stories of brokenness,
hopelessness,
depression,
loneliness,
suicidal attempts,
the scars on her wrist that were attempted to be hidden by her black lace dress,
the dripping fingerprints of delusional spirits on the dirty counter top,
and admist all this, I could see myself, feeling their pain in my heart,
it was if the angels of heaven and the demons of hell were at war with each other,
and I stood in the middle of it,
being torn apart,
so THIS is my generation,
this is what I missed out on the past 20 some years of my life,
there was no shock,
only accepted reality,
it was what I expected,
nothing less,
nothing more,
and as I walked out of the gates of  what I thought was hell,
I fell on my knees and just cried out to God to break my heart for my most beautiful and dearly loved Lithuanian generation....

Song inspiration: "Fatherless" by For Today...I pray for those who can relate to this song. <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_nzZrBoK8

Here's to my desire to remember what he left.
But, there was no time for sentiment as he took his final breath.
I was not too broken to hope for a helping hand, but I had to fight to find it.
Eight years old is too young to become a man; I left my hope behind me.
I was just another angry kid, growing up without a dad.
So I sold my soul for the highest bid, to get the love I never had.

Tell me who I am.
A kid that turned to the world for identity.
I can hardly stand.
Trying to find myself, I confined myself.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

Born from a broken home.
When my father died, I was left to find my way through life alone.
Left on my own, I put my pain on display as I fought with hatred and rage.
No son should ever have to face the world without the love of his father.
I faced the world alone.
I had no one to run to, and everything to run from.
I had no one to run to, and everything to run from.
I buried my hope in the ground.
Drowning, with no one to pull me out, sinking inside my head.

I was just another angry kid growing up without a dad,
So I sold my soul for the highest bid to get the love I never had.

Tell me who I am.
A kid that turned to the world for identity.
I can hardly stand.
Trying to find myself, I confined myself.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

Tell me who I am.
I can hardly stand.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

SPEAK.

(a reflection dedicated to the next generation of visionaries)

She walked down the old paved street that her ancestors had trodden
that shivering snake feeling slithered up her spine,
Now in her mind everything was slowly starting to make sense,
and the sound of her heart kept playing the sweet melody over and over,
as she continued to walk,
looking in the Baltic brown,
Baltic blue,
Baltic green hazel eyes of each dear soul that she passed by,
and the tears started to roll down her face,
her heart was screaming,
like a human that was locked in a cage, shaking the metal bars with all their might,
but her outside composure was calm and collected as if nothing had happened,
dare she outcast herself within a melancholic culture and express so otherwise,
and she kept hearing the endless echoing word in her soul, it whispered,
SPEAK....
and louder and louder...
SPEAK....but she couldn't utter a single breath,
she couldn't form a single lyrical melody on her lips,
couldn't find the inspiration of a single strum on the guitar,
her fingers were too frozen to flaut a sweet summer's cherry blossom breeze,
She walked  by the suffering,
the broken hearted,
the depressed,
the alcoholic,
the scarred,
the sick,
the worrier,
the lover,
but her heart had lost its voice.
She simply could not SPEAK.
but the voice kept screaming inside her...
SPEAK....SPEAK......
the she saw a vision,
she envisioned this young lady,
who just poured her heart out to the world,
who was so passionate with her speech to those who cared to listen,
who spoke words of life, words of hope,
She gave everything she had within her soul,
and just poured it out for the world to see,
and she didn't hold back,
she didn't hide or water down her message,
every lyric that was sung to a dying world,
was so transparent,
so genuine,
so authentic,
her entire being was consumed into this, like a poetic fire that ferociously burned it all up,
and she cried the most passionate tears with all her heart,
and she gave everything,
her heart,
her soul,
her entire being,
and she collapsed on the stage,
as if she fell over dead, but her spirit was still alive,
and the microphone rolled out of her hand,
for she gave everything she had left,
until she had absolutely no more to give,
so that this dying world could know,
about a dearest Savior who loves them and who gave absolutely everything....
everything,
absolutely everything,
until His last dyring breath,
as wine red bloody sweat dripped from His thorn torn brow,
as He passionately looked up to the sky,
and painfully gazed back to His Father in heaven......
and breathed His last.....
and then He SPOKE..........
 "It Is Finished"......

Stranded In the Desert

( I dedicate this prayer reflection to anyone who finds themselves in this place) 

Why do I feel like I'm fading?

I'm trusting you God,

I really am,

Or so I thought......

5 months in,

and I honestly don't know what to think,

now I understand why people leave,

they simply have enough and leave,

this part of the world is rough,

if my own flesh and blood did not trace back here,

I probably wouldn't be here.

I know Father God,

You don't give IRRELEVANT dreams,

but I'm starting to doubt the dream You placed on my heart.

Society will laugh and mock me for it.

The ones closest to me will stare into the eyes of a stranger they never knew.

The need is simply too great.

To say that there is no hope for a country would be a terrible phrase to utter.

The spiritual atmosphere is like an African desert but yet it's Siberia outside.

How can this be?

Why does nobody seem to care about You?

Why has my generation forgotten their first love?

Why have they been silenced?

Who silenced them?

The ideas of money, sex, drinking, living life in the moment, materialism.....

The shallowness of society makes me so depressed.

Is this what the world has come to?

I know God that You don't give the ones You love more than they can handle. 

I firmly believe that.

But the mountain that is in front me?

Really God?

You must be joking...

I do my best to remember how You came through in the past.

and You came through like the greatest lightening storm.

So I know You will come through again....and again......

Some things in life honestly don't seem to have a rhythm.

Certain situations that are only a coincidence from You.

I trust You Father God.

Wither the healing comes,

OR NOT.

I trust You with my whole life.

When everyone around becomes to busy to remember who You are,

I will kneel at the dusty cross,

and remember You.

Father, forgive me for every time I did forget You.

I cry out for my generation,

Forget not the ones You love,

Never forget the ones You love,

Father God, I pray that the ones You love would not be forgotten.