Burning My Coffee Stained Journal

It'll never be the same again,
When you ask me for my passport,
and ask about the last 20 years,
why I was there,
and not here,
that knife stabbing question,
that brings and indescribable pain to my heart,
that goes deeper than political boundaries,
into the directionless map of the human soul,
that makes my knees so weak,
I fall to the cold  ground and cry  endlessly,
There are some things that happened,
I will never speak of again,
You just met me,
I can choose what I tell you,
You do not need to know about certain scars,
but a wise soul once said, "Honesty is the key to intimacy..."
Maybe it's my natural "European ettiqutte"
Present myself as being perfectly fine outwardly,
Deny that any weakness exists,
and pretend that it is not there,
behind the scandalous wine is everything lipstick smile,
 eastern euro dress style,
In all honesty,
you'll honestly never know.
If I choose not to tell you,
You'll simply never know.

Learning to Fly Again

It wasn't easy to let you go,
but I knew the day was coming when I simply had to.
It was as hard as hell,
 to look you in the eyes one last time,
In all honestly, not knowing when I would ever see you again,
but I trust with all my heart that God has a plan, that is far greater,

after I thought about it,
you know,
maybe I wasted my time?
To even worry what you thought about me,
about us,
I have dear souls who care about my life alot more than you probably,
so to get caught up in a life of worry,
was completely worthless,
to simply smile with confidence,
look into your wishful eyes,
and then over confidently walk away,
a slap to your face,
knowing that whatever you do,
I'm not going to let how you feel about me,
define me,
God has given me the grace, and an overwhelming heavenly peace to move on.
For now.
I trust whatever happens next is for God's perfect and beautiful pleasure.
With that said, it is now time for me to go live my life.
To restore the fully alive joy that my worrying over you made me lose.

European/Russian Music Ministry Reflections Part 1

So this evening I came across some Russian music videos. I was honestly intrigued......If it's not already obvious to you yet dearest friend, I am in love with the Russian culture....and that's even an understatement! I have a HUGE heart for doing European/Russian music ministry as well, as many of you know...........This passion has definitely been iginited over the past several years. Again and again, i'm reminded that I, Aiste can't do this music ministry thing alone. Some days I feel like I am the only one in this world who has a passion for European/Russian music missions. I know this current assumption is obviously not true. I'm hoping this summer, as I go to the Steiger Missions School in Germany, I'll meet more dear like minded souls who share in this music passion.

Going to the darkest corners of Europe & Russia is definitely NOT going to be easy. Especially from a music ministry stand point. After coming across this random sampling of music videos.....it REALLY got me thinking.....Reaching Europe & Russia for Christ is NOT a one man band job......I'm honestly OVERWHELMED at what needs to be done for God's glory. I pray over the years that God does plant seeds of faith in His perfect timing in the hearts of dear souls who do have this same European/Russian music ministry passion. After observing these music videos, I found myself comparing them to American music videos. This is a very rough observation, but American music videos seem to be more on the "happy side", even the most darkest & emo moments in American videos don't carry the same persona as European & Russian music videos do. Don't get me wrong, each side of culture has their happy, sad & deep haunting poetic music moments. Just seeing the darkness & brokeness of these European/Russian music videos really stirs up my heart. There's such a recurring theme of sadness, brokeness.....beautiful young ladies who get mad at men who cheated on them, lied, were total jerks.....or the haunting poetic ness of a young lady who doesn't know how a guy she likes feels about her.....I just sense this darkness that washes over my soul....The simple haunting poeticness of these music videos are absolutely beautiful at the same time. I have this joke, those musicians are probably my cousins (since I'm Lithuanian, and Russia practically borders my country) and it's like in some of the videos, I would have done the exact same thing! Wither it be burning coffee dipped letters or sheets of music at a piano in the middle of the Siberian snow, to screaming in a young Russian man's face, it's like they read my haunting poetic heart!

I honestly don't know what it's going to take, but reaching my generation of Europeans & Russians through music ministry......Ive decided is a LIFELONG JOURNEY. Simply having a cute lil Lithuanian metal core acoustic  touring the world whatever band isn't going to cut it...It's going to TAKE TIME. Cultural strongholds don't break overnight. It's going to take time getting to know my dear brothers and sisters, living life with them, walking in their shoes and REALLY being totally immersed in their hearts and everyday life where change will begin to take place....

and  I've also decided I'm dedicated to give my entire life to loving on my dearest brothers and sisters of Europe and Russia.....Whatever it takes....I'm completely all in, For God's glory and His kingdom, to be a  hopeful, kind, joyful, light in the darkest corners...............

Part 2 (to be continued)

до свидания & iki pasimatymo & Goodbye

I'm going to be honest,
I'm absolutely TERRIBLE with good byes,
I knew this day was coming in the back of my mind,
but my heart just dies at the thought of it.
I've honestly always felt torn between two different worlds.
Not going to lie, maintaining relationships in the United States and Lithuania and with my friends scattered throughout, is SO HARD.
at the end of the day, it's either one or the other. Skype can only do so much justice. That is the harsh reality of life. I do my best to balance 3 worlds at once. I hope you realize that. I really do try my hardest. I was reminded this year, I'm only human, I can't be "God" to everyone. I confess, there are some relationships this year that I wish could have flourished more, and I failed at that in some aspects. But in my heart about 10 months ago, I made this decision, and so be it. This year may have not been perfect or gone as I hoped, but I still see God's grace and love painted within this coffee stained canvas. In my heart, I'm ready to take a break from the United States for a while, and begin a new life in Eastern Europe. In all honesty, I'm excited to meet dear souls in that region of the world and see what happens for God's glory as we pursue Him together with our passion hearts.

I expect my heart to die for a while within the next couple of weeks, saying goodbye to family and friends in the United States is not easy, it's worse than hell, at least for a while. But I'm simply trusting God throughout every second of it. Easier said than done.

I personally, Aiste Miskinyte,
want to write each one of you dearest friends, a letter expressing my overwhelming thankfulness that we had the blessing of crossing paths, on this side of life. Where to even begin......

I'll never forget the day I met you dearest friend, your beautiful smile, that glimmer in your eye. You're such a sweet soul. My heart will never forget you. I have really really ridiculously good memory, wither that be fortunate or unfortunate, that's either to your benefit or my revenge....=P Looking back, we met at school, Sonshine & Lifelight Festival, in some European country, North Central University, some Jesus freak concert or music ministry event, Swan Lake Church, Corner Coffee Church, other churches, or just randomly ran into each other as God would have perfectly planned it......From the bottom of mano Lietuve heart, thank you SO MUCH for the beautiful memories we were able to share. Time was always too short, and you know it! Meeting each one of you has shaped me into who I am today, so without you, I don't know where  I would be today. I pray that wherever this life may take you, that you would have the relentless courage to passionately pursue the dreams and visions God has placed on your heart for His glory. Remember, no matter what happens in your life THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. DON'T GIVE UP. I carry your face in my heart for life. Everywhere I go, you'll always be there.
I'll always be praying for you.
Love you so much!
Hopefully see you soon,
Now you have an excuse to travel to Europe, take advantage of it!
Love,
Aiste

Death In His Eyes

I'll never forget the day I saw the death in your eyes,
I never realized eyes could have such a look,
until I saw yours,
 It was like seeing memories that could have been but never will be,
and in that moment my heart was pierced with a million knives,
that's how it felt,
to see death in your eyes,
You may never realize this but, that moment will be lost in my soul forever,
When  I wake up on Lithuanian soil,
When I fall asleep underneath your Russian sky,
The day I dedicate the song I wrote about you, to you,
Every single music ministry moment that lies ahead,
before I open my heart to sing of God's love in Lithuanian, Russian, any Slavic language,

I'll be thinking of you...

It still wakes me up in the middle of the night, like a mother who has lost her child,
just wondering what you're doing this very second,
what thoughts go through your mind?
Have you forgotten your first love?
Have you disowned every memory of you and I?
Have you forsaken your own heart?

Every dear soul I ever will be blessed to meet in this beautiful life,
when I look into their eyes,
I can't help but see your eyes,
Oh the death in your eyes,
I just want to cry forever, beyond eternity,

I wish I could change things,
but in this season of life,
 God has called us to be thousands of miles apart from each other,
or so I thought...

I honestly don't know anymore,
Honesty has lost its place,
Our lies and our truth blend together like a colorful mural of the mountainous Albanian sunset,
open to an unknown interpretation,
as I stand on the edge of that cliff,
looking into a sea of patchy golden sun, and murky black water searching for answers I will never know.......

Her Tears

An abstract interpretation of an Eastern European life...
(actual names have been changed)

She'll never forget standing on my mocute's (grandma) cute little European lawn, or shall she say a mass of messy  green Euro afro that hadn't been combed in a while...
Her dearest  seima (family) stood right before her eyes,
it was mid summer, the cherry trees were ripened and the aroma was in the air
the sun was slowly setting in the small village,
Mindaugas looked her in the eyes,
her cute 15 year old self,
a tear fell from her hazelnut colored eye,
he kissed her on the cheek, and whispered,
I'm sure I'll see you next year....I promise....
The tears kept streaming down her face,
and she tried to smile, but she just couldn't bare to say goodbye to such a beautiful soul,
"Yes, Mindaugas, I promise, one year, and we'll see each other again...I promise...."
She slowly started to laugh...even giggle....of course, I'll see you soon!
She hugged everyone else goodbye and carefully walked through the front white gate...
turned around one last time into the golden sunset and smiled...one year....one year......I'll be back dearest Lietuva....

One year passed by..............
She didn't come back..................
Mindaugas sat by himself on a porch swing, putting his arm around what he wished was her.........

Two years passed by.............
She didn't come back.............
Mindaugas walked the cobblestone nightlife streets of Vilnius, the world was laughingly alive....but Grazyna was not there.....

 Three years passed by......
She didn't come back......
Mindaugas looked in the Baltic blue eyes of a lover........but they weren't Grazyna's hazelnut eyes....


Four years passed by....
She still hadn't come back.....
He pulled out a tattered coffee stained journal....love sonnets, poems, songs, dried wild flowers and roses sweetly danced within theses pages...........he looked up, but the flash of lights were too bright...

Five years passed by.........
Grazyna ran with all her soul inside of her into mocute's lawn....
the persona of the air was different,
the cherry trees had withered,
the village dogs were not cheerfully barking,
the grass had turned into a mere patch of dirt,
she looked up at the sky and the once golden sun was drowned out by the terrifying blackness of clouds......
She ran inside the house.......
Mocute!!!! Oh how I've missed you!!!  I can't believe it's been 5 years....Mocute smiled sweetly, but with a sense of pain.....
"Mocute, where is Mindaugas!?!?!?
"Grazyna.....would you like some tea?, let's sit down and talk..."
Mocute, what do you mean? What happened to Mindaugas?
"My dearest dearest dukra.....I have to tell you something..."
"What is it!?!?!?"
"There was an accident last year....Mindaugas...is...."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!, Grazyna ran outside....collapsed to the ground and started to cry as her heart died.


She wiped the dust away from his gravestone, and once again collapsed herself to the ground...and she just cried ever so passionately, everything within her heart, her soul, her, mind, her dreams her passions, and just scream cried out, "Mindaugas, I'm SO SORRY, my dear God, I'm SO SORRY!!! I WAS TOO LATE.....God, I was TOO LATE!!!! I broke my promise!!!! I BROKE MY PROMISE....5 YEARS WAS TOO LATE.....I WAS TOO LATE.......5 YEARS TOO LATE.......too late to tell you....Mindaugas....that I Grazyna.....I loved you..............


Worth The Pain ~Disciple https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX0aaYIUSKw

20 Years

I still can't believe it......like  dang......I'm officially 2 decades old......so freakin old............I seriously felt old the day I turned 15........I honestly don't know how my blessed parents survived my crazy Eastern Euro/Russian self....God bless their dear hearts!

It was an interesting last 7 "teen" years...not in my wildest dreams would I EVER go through them again. They were a blessing in their own disguise, had there ups and downs, but NEVER again. It's going to be so strange saying I'm TWENTY and there's no TEEN at the end....Not to be stuck up or anything but I always felt a little more grown up than my generation that surrounded me, even at the age of 13.....It must be the European ettiqutte. I definitely grew up alot faster than the majority of my teen generation. Even though I turn "Twenty" I feel like I have lived at least thirty years of life. I've always been a serious deep thinker. I have my funny moments, but the depth of my thoughts, has been in my heart for as long as I remember.....

The teen years were a very interesting experience for me.  The first thing I think of is the 7 years worth of amazing Christian rock/worship/hardrock/screamo concerts at Sonshine Festival & Lifelight Festival that I would never trade for anything. I want to thank each dear musical soul who inspired me to keep going with my music ministry passion, you will never know how much your heart for God and passion for music ministry changed my life. I don't think you realize how crucial your inspiration is to young musicians. <3 <3 <3

Within these years, I also continued to develop a passion for art, colorfulness, and expressing myself through Euro style fashion. Oh....and how could I forget, God creatively introduced me to the Russian culture through 4 young Russian musician men.....cough cough....Gotta' love my heavenly Father's unexpected surprises.

The Decade of the 20s....wow what to even expect, I can't even begin to imagine....All I know is God has something beyond crazy in store.....hmmmmmmm....this would be a rough summary of what I hope and pray happens within the next 10 years............

Go to the Steiger Missions School in Krogis, Germany (meet my future missions husband.....LOL jk.....knowing my attitude towards young Euro/Russian musician men...cough cough)

Hopefully finish my English degree at Lithuania Christian College

Start my music ministry Grazyna Aistra (Beautiful Passion) that would be an evangelistic outreach band for Europe/Russia consisting of hardrock/screamo style

Travel to the street corners of Europe & Russia with my dearest Russian sister Jenna, doing music ministry with our band Ruslana Evelyn y Vika.

Help plant churches in Eastern Europe & Russia, and evangelize through music.

Be part of the Baltic Initiative (church planting movement in Eastern Europe) Maybe even be one of the coffee barista's and be a European coffeeshop hipster for a couple years

Start a coffeeshop ministry or even my own coffeeshop

Go to a European art school

Write at least 1-3 books: "The Lithuanian That Grew Up In America & Somehow  By God's Amazing Grace Survived"....."The Art of Surviving RMP (Russian Men Problems".......Ruslana Evelyn's Artistically Inspiring Thoughts: What happens to the brain when one eats weird eastern european food...

Seriously be living IN EUROPE....somewhere....

Hopefully have mastered Russian, Lithuanian grammar...maybe some other language so I can brag that I'm quad lingual

Whatever happens these next 10 or however many years....all I know is that it's going to be FREAKIN. AMAZING. #all.for.God's.Glory! <3