The Scars of Communism

You think you know me,
but you never will,
Your heart is not understanding,
it's so judgemental,
You think I'm American,
 HELL to the no,
You'll never understand what it's like to be Lithuanian,
You think you can travel the entire world, go to every Eastern European and Russian country,
and understand what it's like to be eastern european,
 but you've only scratched the surface,
all my life,
I've never felt like I belong in this country,
On the outside,
it may look like I have it all together,
 but that's purely habitual and cultural european ettiqutte,
it's how we were taught,
it's in my blood,
I'm so tired of being that outcast,
it's like everyone has been brain washed,
am I REALLY that different?
Yes, reality is I am,
Like it or not, You're American minded,
I'm colorfully and creatively European minded,
and I don't care what you think of me,
Judge away,
think I'm crazy,
I don't care,
because I know God smiles down on those souls who dare to show the world how ORIGINALITY is done,
it's like I'm in a trap that I've been dying to get out of for 20 years,
did I have a choice in this matter?
No,
it was NEVER my choice to live here,
but somehow God took this Lithuanian that randomely or shall I say divinely coincidentally that ended up in America,
and turned this life into a beautiful masterpiece,
that otherwise would have most likely not happened in dearest Lietuva,
some days its so hard to smile..
oh this deathly hard Letters to Lietuva trial..

The price of the scars of communism, somehow must be paid...
and my life is one of the many, many, endless eastern european stories of how indeed it sadly has....

Our Goodbye Is Not Forever

I remember when I fell in love with you,
and realized in the same moment that I never could have you,
It crushed my soul and tore it to pieces,
how your kindness touched my heart,
I will never forget,
I prayed my whole life to meet someone like you,
My heart couldn't believe that you actually existed,
I look up to you,
you have no idea how much I admire the essence of who you are,
it's so beautiful,
it's like for the first time you understood my passion for music ministry,
and why it's so important to put the heart before the performance,
My heart smiles every time I see you,
I'm so excited to see where God takes you in this life with your passion,
It's so sad to see you leave,
but I guess I'm leaving as well,
two opposite ends of the world,
But I know in my soul that our goodbye will not be forever,
who knows,
I'll be walking gracefully in a field of Lithuanian wildflowers into the setting sun,
I'll turn around,
and surprisingly,
you'll be standing there...

12 Years of Musical Perspective

Several days ago I posted this status:

After being passionate about music ministry for almost 12 years...I am so humbled by the perspectives God has taught and shown me over the years...It's SO FREAKIN NOT about being that 'cool musician", cause if it is you're never going to reach people, it's empty and worthless. Our dear brothers and sisters throughout the world will be reached because of our LOVE and passion for Jesus. Otherwise our musical efforts are merely in vain.....It's when we forgot about our musical selves, and turn our eyes to the One who gave us our musical passions when radical change starts to happen....

I just wanted to elaborate on what exactly I mean by the above. As many of you dear brothers and sisters know, I am VERY OVERLY PASSIONATE about music ministry. So yeah, simply looking back 12 years to when this whole dream started. 
My dad gave me my first Christian music CD when I was 8 years old (this was also the year I accepted Christ into my heart for the first time in my life, I firmly believe that when this happened, that's when God anointed my heart with a music ministry passion), it happened to be the band Plus One (I feel like this dates me, dang, I'm so FREAKIN OLD). I absolutely fell in love with the colorfully creative lyrics, and just the depth of the meanings. I remember I would stand and sing in my room for hours on end....literally...my own little singing musical world. My dad introduced me to the Christian music radio station "The Refuge" 90.3 when I was 10 years old. I look back on this life and my heart has so many warm memories associated with every single song on that radio station. Christian music got me through some of the most HELLISH times of my life growing up. Maybe that's why I've never grown tired of this genre of music. It's always SO uplifting and full of hope and life. I was seriously THAT GIRL who memorized every song, every melody line, every lyric on that radio station. 

I then discovered and started going to Christian musical festivals (Sonshine and Lifelight Festival) between the ages of 10-18. Every festival, Every concert, every beautiful soul that I got to meet and every precious memory that happened during these beautiful times in life, I will forever hold close to my heart. I wish every one of my dear brothers and sisters in this beautiful life would get the chance to experience what I experienced growing up at these Christian music festivals. This is also where I got the chance to REALLY observe the Christian music scene. My views have changed obviously from 8 years to now  at 20.

I know for a fact, when I was 8 years old, I wanted to grow up to be a Christian musician. and the really smart thing about this situation is that deep at my heart at a young age, I knew that I didn't want to be in the music scene for the money or fame. I never remember having thoughts of  "I WANT TO BE A POPULAR MUSICIAN" which is really strange if you ask me...like somewhere deep inside my soul, I knew that my music passion was not for myself, but for God.

With that said, I noticed that my view was not SO in the Christian music scene sometimes.... As I got older, every concert later, I realized how blind and in the dark I had been with "Christian musicians". Obviously no band is perfect, and never will be.  Several weeks ago at bible study, I was challenged with David Pierce's (founder of the worldwide ministry Steiger International www.steiger.org) 10 Principles of ministry when it comes to music and the arts in general. There are 3 types of bands:

1.) Christians ministering to Christians
2.) Christians "ministering" in the secular music world but hide their message
3.) Christians who minister to the secular music world and make their message about Jesus KNOWN.

I'm not going to sugar coat this one, I, Aiste, HAVE BEEN SO HURT from various musicians of my past. I will not mention the names of the bands, because I feel like that would be rude and disrespectful on my part. I have forgiven them, and only by God's grace have moved on, and let Him heal my scarred musical Lithuanian soul. Honestly if I wouldn't have gone through those heartaches with various musicians, I don't think I would be the same strong person that I am today. It was HELL for a little while, but God taught me so much during those moments. (and yes, the majority of them were what Christian society calls "Cute young Christian musician men" enough.said) 

Up until a few years ago, I simply thought I was going to major in my worship leading passion, find a church somewhere in Lithuania, Eastern Europe or Russia to be a worship leader at, and life would be well.
I discovered the ministry Steiger International last January, and God completely shook my worship leading passion up. Because of this ministry God lead my heart to, I now see myself using my current music ministry Grazyna Aistra to reach the DARKEST places of Europe and Russia for the rest of my life. As much as I like leading worship in a cute little church (there's obviously always a time and place for that, respectfully) I really believe being a Christian musician for me means reaching society outside the church walls, in the most broken, scarred, and unlikely places that your average Christian musician would most likely never go to.

That sums up where my heart is right now musically ministry speaking. I can't even begin to describe to you dearest friend the COMPLETE PEACE my heart feels. All my life, I've always felt this empty musical hole in my heart, worried how this music ministry passion God called me to would play out. I was SO concerned with thoughts of  "im not good enough, musical society will think I'm stupid, my family and friends will think I'm crazy etc." But I've come to realize, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It never will. If God called you to your musical passion, He will see you through, and you NEVER have to feel like you don't measure up in musical society. 
Cause reality is, every band can try to make a difference in society and make this world a better place. BUT...at the end of the day, if Jesus is not at the center of my musical passion...I'm going to break it to you and not hold back, your contribution to musical ministry society is in vain...I mean seriously, will a 12 year old Albanian girl even CARE about your band's "FREAKIN COOLNESS"?....NO...her soul is searching for a melody that only Jesus can give her...(Just saying)

It's not about the money...the fame....the girls....the guys....it all comes down to your heart. What is REALLY your intention of your music or art? I know not everyone is called to global music ministry, so whatever God has called you to, passionately embrace it and run after it with all of your heart.

There Will Always Be

The following poem was inspired by my crazy Lietuva 2013 passion...

Those big shy glazed hazel brown eyes reflected the  bright illuminating stage lights,
She stood there quietly,
lost in a sea of colorful noise of thousands of souls,
sweetly smiling at her musical inspiration,
praying one day she would grow up to be just like him...

many years later she realized the reality deep inside her heart,

There will always be those lovers who say they love you,
but lies flood their scandalous seemingly sweet lips, (EF)

There will always be those people who hate your freakin guts,
wish you the worst, and desire to see you fail because they are jealous of your beautiful heart.

There will always be those doubters who doubt your God given passions, visions, and dreams

There will always be those dark, haunting, depressing and scarring days where you want to simply just give up.

There will always be those true dear friends who believe in you, laugh with you, cry with you, sing with you, dance with you, and be complete fools with you.

There will always be those days when God leaves you absolutely speechless and tears are endlessly streaming down your face as you realize the sweet warmth of His ocean wide Love,

and she decided that a choice had to be made, give up on her passion,,,,or go through the blackest fire...

She chose the blackest fire, knowing that there would be
pain,
scars,
hurt,
but  in the end, it was for His glory, and it was SO  going to be WORTH IT...

European Etiquette

For all of my dearest friends...who ever wondered...what exactly is this whole "EUROPEAN CULTURE" thing that you're so obsessed about...this is for you....my cough cough "funny" Lithuanian perspective...

Someone once told me that Russian women are the most beautiful women in the world...Reality is...it's true....I'll just stop right there. and I'm Russian btw....Lithuanian women? Russian women? the same....=P Estonia, Latvia & Lithuania are known as the "Baltic Beauties" or so I've heard from my dearest Lithuanian cousins. When we Baltic Beauties wake up in the morning, we can't help but smile brightly when we look in the mirror. We don't even need to worry about make up. (and if you're lucky like me, your hair looks crazily awesome as well) We're naturally beautiful. It's in our eastern european genetics....

How a European carries oneself. Well, if you've ever wondered about my "Lithuanian seriously poetic haunting death stare"...LOL It's normal in the European culture to have a very serious expression on your face, and walk in a confident, tall posture, with your chin slightly raised. It's just what we culturally do. If you're riding a bus in Europe, EVERYONE is deathly silent. No one is talking to each other. If you laugh, RIGHT AWAY they will be able to point out that you are American. (Not going to lie on this one, this past summer when I was in Macedonia, I LAUGHED ALOT on european buses...)

A European's eating habits are distinct as well. First of all, eating food with a fork and a knife is pretty much a dead give away if you have European food ettiqutte. I remember last year when I was in college, I literally was the only European soul that ate with a fork and a knife. A true European man...he ACTUALLY cough cough has this etiquette too. I honestly admire this alot about European men. As the saying goes, "A European man eat's his mama's food". By this, we Europeans or I pray at least some of  us still like to eat healthy and close to natural food as possible. If you have ever wondered why Europeans are so skinny...obviously many other factors other than food influence this (smoking, exercise, genetics etc) it's because their eating lifestyle is simple and healthy food. For me, being Lithuanian, by "healthy food" I mean eating natural meats, veggies, cheeses, kefir (Russian jogurt) and fruits. The Lithuanian food lifestyle is more on the low carb side. I'm sure you've heard this, if not the PORTION SIZES in Europe CAN be alot smaller. I learned this summer, depending what REGION of Europe you are in such as Southeastern, food portion sizes tend to increase. Having smaller portions and smaller plates is normal. It's expensive to eat out at restaurants so most people just make their own food.

Eating a meal as a family is a very important cultural element in Europe. Also when one sits down for a meal in Europe, the food is usually already on the table, you have your plate and eat like that.

I've also noticed in some cases that we Europeans would rather buy a piece of nice and quality clothing than food. Looks are HUGE. Every European country has it's own unique and colorful style. Fashion is a daily habit, especially for my generation. I've said this many times before a European WOULD NOT be caught dead in sneakers, sweat shirts, sweat pants, or baseball caps. That would be mere fashion SUICIDE. From a very young age, we are taught to "dress up".  When you're walking the streets of Europe, everyone simply just looks so stylish or professional. Wither it be skinny jeans, converse, scarves, colorful sweaters, black leggings, high heels, or flower print summer dresses...the artistic color is found everywhere... One of my favorite European fashion sayings by my favorite French author Mireille Guiliano, (my paraphrase)  "A French woman dresses up to take out the trash, because she never knows who she may run into". All I can say to that is....AHMEN.

I will FOREVER LOVE European culture. It's part of who I am, and even living in America, when I have to stand alone in this European Passion most days...it's SO worth it....=)

The.PASSION. PRAYER.

I've been wanting to write out what I personally like to call 
THE PASSION PRAYER...for the longest time.
God gave me these words when I was on my missions trip to Macedonia, May 2012. I pray this prayer over ALL of my family, relatives, friends, my dearest brothers and sisters all over the world, every person I've ever met...and I guess you could say the more mysterious/controversial side of this prayer, is that I pray this prayer over "strangers"....people I've simply never met,as I'm walking the streets of this beautiful life. I believe every morning when I wake up and I'm walking somewhere wither it be work, or just enjoying life, the people I see I know God placed in my path for a reason, so I say The Passion Prayer over them. So the instant I met you, I secretly prayed this prayer over you dear friend, without you even knowing....How much more "Russian spy?" can one get? =P  I honestly believe EVERY dear soul I've EVER met in this life is NOT AN ACCIDENT, but a DIVINE APPOINTMENT. So...if you've ever wondered what was REALLY behind those scandalous  Lithuanian deep brown hazel eyes....

Father God, into your hands I lift up my dear brother/sister.
I pray in Your mighty and holy name,
that You would revive those passions, visions, and dreams that have been made dead inside their heart.
I pray that you would make them alive in You again.
I pray that You would give them the boldness, courage and fearlessness to pursue these passions, visions, and dreams until their last dying breath.
I pray for any struggles they may be going through that You would be with them every step of the way, smiling down upon then.
I pray for all the joys of life they are experiencing that You would give them the heart to keep that sweet spirit.
Into Your loving hands I commit my dear brother/sister to You Jesus.
Ahmen.

CUTE. Christianity.

Today as I was walking back from downtown Minneapolis, God inspired me to write these following words.
As I was looking back on Monday night's bible study...(.just an FYI Steiger International's Platform bible study is SO FREAKIN AMAZING, you've pretty much missed out on life if you haven't gone yet...just saying....) It FINALLY hit me...
I was thinking of how judgmental the American church can be.( I mean this in general, I'm NOT pointing out ANY specific churches, just to make myself clear from the beginning)  Honestly, there are times I feel like such an outcast. Let me explain. So basically, I like to dress VERY artsy. It's just simply who I am. Black knee high high top shoes, wine red colored shoe laces, fishnet leggings, red dresses, and black leather jackets, wild 80s style hair and wine red lipstick. Being inspired by color, art, and fashion is the essence of who I am. To not let someone express their artistic self of who God created them to be, is simply...SUICIDE. Walking the streets of this life, this world is SO FREAKIN COLORLESS. Everyone is the same...Same...SAME....where is the vibrant laughter that sticks out in society? I believe when it comes to Christianity there are many ways one can express themselves. For me, I've realized that the colorful way I dress, It blends in with the hardcore European/Russian music punks. I look exactly like them with my Eastern European facial structures, and my clothes. What makes me different is that I have a fire inside my heart for Jesus. I believe that God truly uses how we express ourselves on the outsides to reach our dear brothers and sisters for His kingdom. I'm NOT "choir girl Christian" who dresses in black skirts, a cream pink blouse, and has my hair perfectly straightened. HELL.NO.  and you know what? There's NOTHING wrong with that. Express yourself in the way God created to be. With that thought in mind, He will use every essence of who you are,  to reach that certain people group, including that artsy side that He has given your beloved and blessed soul.

I've always sensed there was something different about me from day one. I could just tell everyday that I was somehow set apart from the rest of society. Even if my parents would have never told me I was Lithuanian, I just knew in my heart something was different. I look back on this beautiful life, and ever since I was a baby my mom (she's quite the amazing artist herself, she paints with oils, acrylics, these absolutely beautiful colorful Lithuanian masterpieces) would do arts and crafts with me, teach me how to paint, the whole arts spectrum. Art was in my blood from the beginning. I discovered Christian music when I was 8, specifically, I discovered Christian PUNK ROCK music when I was 10 years old, I'm talking like FM Static, and Hawk Nelson. This is where I believe I got into the whole "punk rocker essence". To me, there was something simply so fascinating about cute Christian musician men with blonde fohawks, dressed in black skinny jeans, leather jackets, and the lace up leather boots. I just freakin LOVED the look. I also remember going to Chrisitan music festivals between the ages of 10-18, I would love to creep on the "punk rock" fashion style of all the Christian musicians.......Also, throw in the many times I traveled to Europe when I was growing up....I went to Lithuania when I was 1,8, and 15. Rome, Italy at 16. London at 8. Iceland,Norway,Finland at 15. Macedonia,Serbia,Bosnia,Montenegro,Albania,Kosovo,Austria this past summer at 19. So having been immersed in this beautiful European culture, I've gotten to experience quite a diverse spectrum of  what is known as the "Euro style".....lol 

So combine the elements of colorful artsyNESS as a child + Christian musician punk rock look + Euro style = Aistė Miškinytė's fashion.....=)

I've always had the mindset of "European fashion" for as long as I can remember. Growing up, my parents would dress up for every occasion you can think of....it's simply European ettiqutte to look good wherever you go...one of my favorite quotes from a French author (her name slips my mind) is "French women dress up to take out the trash...cause they never know who they may run into"....that's pretty much how I feel when it comes to dressing up. In America, sometimes people look at me weird, or are like "Why do you dress up all the time!?!?!....I've NEVER seen you in sweatpants or a sweatshirt or sneakers!" What I say to that?...AHMEN...If there's one European fashion rule....it's that, "A EUROPEAN would NOT be caught dead in public in sweat pants, sweatshirt, or sneakers"...if you don't believe me...honestly...ask one of your European friends for their insight on this. I feel like sometimes in America, my sense of colorful fashion is looked down upon and not appreciated, and I DO KNOW for a fact I stick out, and you know what I DONT FREAKIN CARE...This world needs more people who are willing to take the risk and stand out with their God inspired artsy fashion!

So whatever artsy style God has called you to express yourself by, don't be afraid to completely embrace who you are...He will use your sense of unique fashion for His glory!