On Internationalism

Lately, I've been deeply reflecting on how my life has radically changed over the past 8 months living in Europe.  I'm absolutely speechless at all the beauty that God has blessed me to live through. I'd especially like to elaborate on the issue of internationalism.  I can't even begin to STRESS HOW IMPORTANT this is. If you EVER have the chance to travel to another country and experience a different culture don't even question it JUST GO. I REPEAT JUST GO. From my personal experience, those moments of the life have been the greatest times I've ever gone through.  Tonight, as I was chatting with one of my dear friends, we started comparing the countries that we have had the chance to live through throughout our lives and how that really changed us. We consider ourselves to be the ones who see through TWO lenses instead of one. I think the "two lens" perspective is crucial and absolutely necessary in today's society. I feel so blessed to have grown up in a two culture world. Lithuanian and American. I simply want to be honest with you. The whole saying "The grass is greener on the other side"......isn't true. Each culture has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's like a  delicious disease that spreads in one aspect. (poetical metaphor intended) It seems to me that Europeans have this vision of the "American Dream" while Americans have this vision of the "European Dream" or something of the equivalent in another country. Just like people who have straight hair want curly hair and people who have curly hair want straight hair. From my observations of simply living life with people from many cultures all over the world, we're all the same when it comes to this. Curiosity is natural human instinct. It's the worm inside our stomachs that's eating us alive, the fire that's raging within us that until we quench it or "kill the curiosity"  and "make it to the other "greener" side, that burning desire will always seemingly be inside our hearts and souls. So to put it plainly...GO KILL YOUR CURIOSITY. LIVE IN THE CULTURE THAT IS ON YOUR HEART.

The transformations in my life are clearly evident and some are still developing. I'm definitely not the same person I was a year ago. Some things always stay the same, but others change. Living in Lithuania, I've learned to be a more forgiving person. For example,some people I used to be really mad at  in the United States, seeing the other side, I'm reminded that we are all human and that there are clearly cultural boundaries that make us who we are and act a certain way. I mean let's really think about this concept: People are who they are for a reason. It's not by accident. The culture and experiences of their lives has made them who they are today. The results of that is definitely a wide spectrum, but it either can leave one NARROW minded or OPEN minded.

People who choose not to open their hearts to another culture, are truly missing out on life.

It breaks my heart to see someone who is so consumed by THEIR culture that they forget how BIG the world truly is and how SMALL in reality they actually are. One observation I've noticed in Europe is how overly nationalistic society sometimes seems. You must hold on to your identity as if you were faced with your head at the guillotine, you'd rather have your head chopped off than disown your national identity. I suppose that's one major difference between Europe and the United States. Sometimes I admire this aspect of that culture, but other times it sickens me, because with over nationalism comes PRIDE. People become so PROUD about their culture that they are not accepting to "Outsiders". I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been offended by people and even wanted to punch them in the face because I have the 2 lens perspective and they only have 1. Judgements at times can be overwhelming and break the heart and shatter and scar the soul, but this opens the door of opportunity to pray for them, that their eyes would be opened to a new perspective that could forever change their life.  I am who God says I am and I am NOT defined by what a person says I am. Call me a Lithuanian, an American, a Russian, a crazy over colorful whatever, those labels sometime really cut deep, and people have no idea. They assume you're one way, and out of deep respect etiquette you choose to be silent and forgive them, because they do not know the words they say and how that affects someone.  I'm by no means perfect, but I do my best to choose my words carefully on the issues of nationalism especially, because from having to balance 2 cultures from the day I was born, I know how deep those words can cut through the heart like a double edged knife. It's painful.

So now.....

I see through the lens of forgiveness,
the lens of offering grace to others when they least deserve it,
the lens of loving others for who God created them to be and not judging them,
the lens of realizing that culture and experience shape a person into who they are,
the lens of analyzing a situation from a global perspective,
the lens of embracing who you are even when others around you are different from you,
the lens of believing in your dreams, even though they may seem impossible, at the end of the day, it's the only thing that will keep your soul alive.

So my dearest friend, TRAVEL. Hop on that plane TOMORROW. and don't look back.....and I pray that you enjoy the greatest cultural adventure of your life!

A Dedication to the Misunderstood

As 2014 comes to an open,  I'd like to address the following issue that has been on my heart lately.

Lithuanian-American. Russian-American. Estonian-American. Latvian-American. Czech Republic-American.Ukrainian-American.Moldovan-American. Polish-American. Finnish-American. Norwegian-American. Macedonian-American. Serbian-American. Croatian-American. Bosian-American. Montenegron-American. Austrian-American. German-American. Hmong-American. African-American. Chinese-American. Hispanic-American. You get my point.

I got this idea to write this reflection as I was standing at a cold bus stop in Kaunas at 5 in the morning after my travels to Warsaw for New Years. Funny how the most inspirational writing ideas of my life, come to me at the strangest hours and queerest circumstances. I started thinking about how I, and many others who bear the titile of "insert your nationality" SLASH "American" title. I would like to be a VOICE for this genre of people, because I feel like we have been misunderstood by society. I desire to SPEAK UP  and STAND UP for who we are.

So WHO ARE WE?
That is a great question to ask.
We are the ones who others consider not to be American,
yet they consider us to not exactly be European or Asian or whatever.
We are somewhere in between.
Sometimes "they" ask us to show our passports because "they" don't believe who we are. and when we make the frikin stupid mistake of showing "them" our passport "they" judge us.
Seriously, just because you OWN a frikin Bible does NOT make you a  frikin Christian,
same as the frikin Nationality in your  frikin passport DOES NOT make you who you are..........
We are a new genre of people in today's society that are result of our countries unsettled histories wither it be communism or something else.
We are every post-communist parent's dream.....(in some cases I'd like to think at least)
We are the result of the scars of communism's past intertwined with the American dream.
We live in two worlds instead of one.
We see two sides of the story instead of one.
We are judged like frikin HELL for not knowing "certain languages that we should have known by now".
We have realized that the grass is NOT necessarily greener on the other side as most of the Non-American world has fallen into the trap of thinking. (Yes, controversial thought, I know, but let's be honest, the American Dream in my opinion is a LIE, don't waste your life....if you'd like to chat about this, I would LOVE to share my perspective with you. )
We are unique, beautiful, original and creative individuals with passions, and visions and dreams that scream from the depths of our souls.

I feel like my whole life I have been misunderstood because of this national identity crisis. I have lived a unique perspective of life, that most people will never get the chance to experience. It has been my greatest blessing and my greatest curse at the same time.  I am forever thankful for it, but it haunts my soul of what could have been. And my soul wonders if the what could have been part would have been the greatest unknown nightmare.  I don't believe in coincidences or accidents, only Divine appointments. God places everyone in each part of the world for a reason. Wither you be straight up Polish, African, Asian, 3 nationalities in one or a post communist dreamer as I, the culture God placed you in was not by accident. Let me repeat, The culture that God placed you in my dearest friend WAS NOT BY ACCIDENT. There is only pure purpose behind it. It may not make sense to you or I as to why we had to grow up and live through what we did, but in God's eyes it makes perfect sense. He sees the entire picture of our lives when we merely see a small colorful snapshot of it.

So with this unique perspective of life, what I have chosen to do? For example, today I walked to the grocery store wearing a red black yelllow green floral scarf headband with a red rose, bright red fire and ice lipstick, a teal blue scarf, and wine red leggings, and black lace up leather boots that go up to my knees. Living in a country where wearing color seems to be a social taboo, I decided not to give a SHIT as to what people in society think anymore. Whenever I visit Poland, for some beautiful reason it ALWAYS brings out my inner artistic side...and oh how I have longed to see that colorful side. 

I've learned that I just need to EMBRACE to the FULLEST at who God has created me to be, and if society doesn't like it, to bloody HELL with what they think.  Why be the same  when you can be your original self? Why conform when you have a once in a life time chance to stand out? So this is my declaration and final stand to those who feel misunderstood, especially us "insert nationality" "American"........ It's time for us to come out of our shells, and show the world who we truly are, let the beautiful sunshine and echoing laughter SCREAM like a long lost heart melody in their faces........

The Best Stories of 2013 Part 1: The Polish Proposal

As the year of 2013 comes to a close, I would like to take the time to reflect back on some of  greatest stories, from a humorous, (or at least I  think) Lietuve perspective. I thank God for every single day that He gave me to walk the streets of this beautiful life this past year.

Starting from June 12th......until end of this December....

That awkward moment of life you're in an Icelandic airport and these two German guys are talking to each other and they keep looking at you. Then when you are about to board your flight, as you get up, they get up, they both look at each other and say "Moskva" and walk away..........

When you and your two friends are stranded in a train station in some random German town and you have exactly 13 minutes to find your next train connection, and everyone is freaking out and your friend walks over to this lady and says "Dresden?" and she doesn't understand him, and you say in your most heavy Russian accent, "Dresden?" and the lady smiles and points you in the right direction....and you can't help but smile a little on the inside, and be like....yeah....=P

When you and your three friends FINALLY make it to the town where the missions school of your dreams is, and this random German guy on this random German bus tells you to follow these 3 random German ladies to your "destination" and you end up stranded in a village, stuck guarding about 100+ kilograms of luggage on a hot June day singing and playing acoustic Thousand Foot Krutch covers, and end up dragging about 55 Kilograms for about 3 kilometers. and after 72 hours of traveling....you have reached the one and only Steiger Missions School.

Those moments of life you sit on a German window sill with your dearest sister, and yell out these random Russian phrases, and she screams your  crush's name, but you don't think he heard that, or if he did, he is in complete unknown denial of it until this day.

Grocery store walks to Norma with my dearest roommie accompanied with deep meaningful theological conversations.

Jumping on a forbidden trampoline with my dearest roommie like we're  5 years old and cool like that.

Playing my acoustic guitar in a German forest practically at midnight and having European guys appear out of nowhere.

That random moment of life you are at Polish Woodstock, doing your evangelistic outreach with your missions school and this Polish nun records you singing  "Here I Am To Worship" in Lithuanian on a street  corner.....

Third day into Polish Woodstock, it's about 1 in the morning and you and several friends are walking the streets of woodstock looking for evangelistic ministry opportunities with your guitar, and you end up sitting in a circle of  Polish youth that are smoking weed, with one young Georgian man who has apparently lived in Poland for a year, and they REALLY want you to sing with your guitar, but you refuse 3 times in a row, and they really persist, so you give in, and you sing the reflective melodic  song "So Far Gone" by TFK and you can see the young Georgian man slowly start tearing up with a few tears in his eyes, and he shakes your hand with deep respect, and you can't help but laugh on the inside just a little.

That random moment of life you meet 3 Lithuanians at Polish Woodstock and are in absolute shock cause this festival has like 700,000 people, and you are so proud that the cute lil Lithuanian sign you made actually worked.

When you're brave enough to let your dearest Polish and Belorussian sisters create 25 dreadlocks in your hair.

To all those beautiful memories of Steiger Missions School 2013 that you will hold close in your heart forever.....<3

Dragging 55 Kilograms of luggage all the way to Kaunas, Lietuva, BY YOURSELF, and the horrible hell of switching trains 3 times in Germany and having Baltic Air start check in 1 hour before the flight, charging you 20 Euros for check in, and 30 Euros for your guitar at the very last minute, to having only 30 minutes to find  your flight in the Riga airport.........

Actually MAKING it onto Lietuva soil and crying your eyes out at a reality that seems too good to be true.

Meeting your generation of Lithuanians for the very first time in your life and all the beautiful cultural awkwardness & judgments that comes along with that.

That awkward moment of life you ask a fellow Lithuanian where the "Food Church" is.......=P

When you're just sitting enjoying your dear Lietuve life, and this young Lithuanian man walks around shirtless as if he's waiting for you to turn and look at him, and you being your Quaker self  just keep thinking, don't look, Don't look, Don't look, you know European guys, don't get their attention, just roll your eyes and pretend they're not there, and then he asks you a question, and to be polite, you must respond, and he makes you coffee. and you are just laughing on the inside of why? how? shto? yaneznayu.....

and LAST but not least....okay maybe not last, but if you have persevered to read this far....this one is truly golden....

THAT moment of life you're at Polish Woodstock, handing out metal core bibles, and you start talking to this one Polish guy who happened to lose his back pack, and he's like FREAKING OUT like he's 5 years old, and he is probably almost 30 and you ask him if you can pray for him, that he would find his backpack with all of his important documents. and he gives you a strange look like, "I don't believe God can answer prayer", (and keep in mind this festival has 700,000) So you silently pray for his backpack, and exactly 15 minutes later, this person randomely drops off his backpack right next to him. The young Polish man is in complete shock, and you can't help but smile on the inside, and then you start talking about each others lives, and you tell him that Jesus loves him, and then after about an hour you ask him for his email address so you can keep in touch, and he's like "Email address, will you be my wife?!?!?!?" and you just sit there absolutely frozen (that moment where you are sipping your coffee and you spit /gag it out of your mouth  like an elephant spraying water) and you just look deeply into his sky blue Polish glaza, smirk, laugh and say HELL NO....okay maybe it wasn't that mean more like a sweet "no".......and he's sad............and you are trying your hardest not to burst out in laughter, and you have to step away for a few moments, and you burst out in Lietuve laughter that echos like a lion across the Polish woodstock plains........

TO BE CONTINUED......Part 2

Childhood Charms

I realized that in my heart i would always love him, 
even after we both got married to different people,
 those butterfly feelings of always falling in love with him would eternally be the traces of our childhood charms, permanently marked on both of our hearts...

We may both lead different lives, 
have boyfriends or girlfriends or love different people,
 but when we get together, 
its just like the old times,
 tempting one another with our European beautifulness, 
cracking jokes, 
laughing nostalgically on all the memories made, 
i have grown, i have changed, 
and i know every time we get together, 
my heart will naturally fall in love with you again, and again, and endlessly again, 
even though now i consider you to be my brother....
and you know what,  that"s okay...

The Ačiū Prašom mystery man

An "imaginative story"  to brighten your miserable finals study.........=P


I stood there in the cold snowy/rainy Baltic winter day
Waiting at the bus stop
Everything around me seemed so grey, cloudy and lifeless,
Not a single human soul was to be found on this side of Eastern European heaven,
I  clicked my lace up black leather boots a few times together,
heel to heel,
toe to toe,
As I stared at the white washed cement pavement,  as if I were the Lithuanian version of Dorothy.
Out of nowhere a black car zoomed past me,
which slightly startled  my thoughts which had creatively drifted into some unknown sweet musical metalcore land,
Five minutes later the same black car turned around and came back,
It stopped for a few seconds,
There was a young man sitting inside
He stared at me,
I blankly stared at him,
He continued to stare at me,
I continued to stare blankly at him...as I was about to roll my hazel Lietuvė eyes at the hopelessness of highly socially awkward Eastern European men
Then he FINALLY said something...(Which is good, cause I wouldn't said nothing and forever held my silence)
I quickly looked to the sky and said a "Thank you Jėzus, I thought the social awkwardness was never going to end" prayer,
He opened his car door,
And I stood there speechlessly in shock,
Let's just say God has a cute and funny way of contradicting your doubts,
......Just when you thought you had lost all your hope in young Eastern European man humanity...
"He Appears"
I've come to the conclusion that's simply how life works,
Full of beautiful unexpected surprises,
Anyways, as I stand there,
He asks me if I need a ride,
 Knowing what my mama ir tėtė taught me,
Let's OVER analyze this situation,
"Black car zooms past, retraces its steps, pauses for a few seconds, handsome man opens his car door and asks if I need a ride....."
UM....my first instinct is HELL to the freakin NO. I know your type been there done that seven times seventy seven times seventy seven hundred times over....old story...I see through your melynos akys, through your soul, your scandalous deceptive smile, you have no idea who I am, but boy, I KNOW EXACTLY who you are.....
but then again, he seemed too kind and let's be honest....to tell some handsome stranger that you can cough cough "see through the soul of who he is" would be ever so Eastern Europeanly Lietuvė...AWKWARD.

So....in those 10 seconds, I simply said YES....or TAIP or DA....or something like that ( I forget which language I used honestly)

and that was probably one of the best "TAIPs" I have ever risked to say in my life......

METALCORE

Metalcore....what comes to your mind when you think of this music genre? "It's Satanic!" "I don't listen to this "music"..."I LOVE it!!!" I'm sure you've heard many perspectives throughout your life. I would say right now, this is the favorite genre of music in my life. Growing up, when I went to Christian music festivals, I was absolutely TERRIFIED of this kind of music. I would purposely always avoid the heavy metal stage at all costs.

I remember one time when I was about 13 years old, it was the middle of Sonshine Festival (Minnesota's largest Christian music festival) and my three friends literally DRAGGED me to the heavy metal stage, and I painfully slid through the doors. For the first time in my life I heard these horrifying screams and I kept walking close and closer. Out of nowhere, I turned around and there was this young man, lng brown flowy hair that went down past his shoulders, ear gauges, tattoo sleeves on both his arms that smiled at me and was like, "Hey, how are you? you should totally come to our show this evening!" I just stood there in absolute horror, and RAN as fast as my Lietuve legs could carry me out of the heavy metal stage arena.....(Honestly, looking back on this hilarious situation, if I were to run into that same musician guy today, I would have thought he was totally a cutie....) funny how things can change....

As you may have noticed I used "Christian" and "Metalcore" in the same sentence. Is this legally possible you may say? YES. indeed it is.  Growing up I was told that metalcore music was "Ungodly" and for a while I believed it. I would say up until I was 19 years old, I didn't particularly listen to this genre. and now, at the age of 20 I absolutely LOVE it.  If you listen to the lyrics of  some Chrismetalcore bands, you will quickly discover that they are literally screaming the gospel and screaming about Jesus. How much more beautiful can that be?  For some, they find this reality appauling, but for me, it's a soul melody to my heart.  What changed you ask?  I would say the past 3 years of my life have been the most life changing as I continue to walk in my relationship with Jesus. He has brought me through places I never dreamed in my life I would get to experience.  My passion for Jesus has grown so much in the past several years, I've simply gotten to the point in my faith walk where I can't simply worship Jesus with just a sweet melody, but rather my heart is telling me to PASSIONATLEY SCREAM of JESUS LOVE. This act is my true heart reflection back to what Jesus has done in my life and continues to do. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy worshipping Jesus by singing a calm worship song every now and then, but in this current season of my life, screaming is where my heart is at.

It's funny how the concept of metalcore culturally crosses over. I have been confronted several times with various religious people in Europe where they have told me that my passion for Christian metalcore music is "Ungodly" As they looked me in the eyes I just kinda stood there and pretended to cough on a chunk of dislodged banana that was non existent stuck in my throat. In all honestly, I COMPLETELY disagree. It's NOT the music genre which is UNGODLY rather, the intention and affect the music has on someone."  When it comes to music ministry evangelism, I believe that PROVACATIVE ART is going to change humanity....let me repeat....PROVACATIVE ART.........(this is a concept I learned at my missions school in Germany this past summer) By provocative, I mean controversial art with a meaningful Christian message that gets humanity's attention.  There's nothing wrong with cute fluffy pink cupcake art, it's just that in today's society, to get humanity's attention about Jesus, you have to be willing to go that extra creative kilometer. So for me personally, I consider metalcore with a Christian message to be a provocative art....

Just from traveling around Europe the past several years, I have noticed a huge trend in metalcore music in countries such as Germany, Poland, Ukraine, Romania, and many more countries in south eastern Europe. I guess Lithuania, has yet to see it's first Christian metal core band.....one of these years....=)  I can only imagine the impact Christian metal core can have on humanity, especially in this part of the world if a few people were willing to step up and make that bold difference.......

btw, if you haven't already, feel free to check out my favorite Christian metal core band: FOR TODAY........Out of all the metalcore band's I've ever listened to in my life, I firmly believe they are one of the few bands who have truly captured the art of "SCREAMING OF JESUS LOVE"..........<3

7, 333 Kilometers: How Far Will You Go?

How far would you go for God’s love to be known?

How much would you sacrifice?

Though they mock You

Though they laugh at You

Though they spit in Your face,

Though they JUDGE  You,

Though they crucified You,

Though you had to leave behind everything familiar,

Language,

Culture,

Family,

Relatives,

Friends,

Though they laugh at your crazy creative ideas,

Though your heart will be broken endless times over for My Name’s sake,

How far will you go my precious child?