Grazyna Aistra

This morning as I was praying, it finally hit me....19 freakin years later.....
As most of you know I am VERY PASSIONATE about music ministry. Words will never be able to describe my heart in this area.....God simply whispered to me...."Stop proving yourself..." I was like, God, wait...what are trying to say, then I realized.......especially this year and ever since God placed the passion of music ministry on my heart 11 long years ago, that I had simply tried to "Prove myself". I just want to apoligize in advance for anything offensive I might say about my views on music ministry. I realized that my whole life I had been trying to musically prove myself to people. That's sad, oh so VERY sad....and was I concious of this fact all the time? yes and no. It sickens me to think what path music ministry in America has taken.
Music ministry means seeing eye level to eye level with the dear brother or sister you're singing your heart out to.....easier said than done! I've met so many freakin bands who say they're all about music ministry (I will resist the temptation to mention any names) and loving Jesus, but their very words are spit on my Lithuanian face. You know what I mean, those of you who get really excited to meet a band, and then as you're talking to them, you can just tell how they think that they are somehow "higher" "better" or "more special" than you. WOW....REALLY!?!?! That REALLY makes me so angry!
Going back to the thought of "proving" myself.....I've noticed this with my passion for worship leading. Do you realize that for most worship bands you have to audition? Obviously, DUH...but seriously, it's sickening to think that you have to "audition to worship Jesus". "Hi, I'm Aiste, and today I'm auditioning to worship Jesus!" That sounds absolutely BRILLIANT, doesn't it? NOT. I know this argument can go both ways and there are a ton of worship bands out there that simply form and no auditions are needed. It just breaks my heart that there are people out there who think they have the right to judge someone's music passion... I remember when God placed the passion of music ministry on my heart like yesterday....oh how my heart has grown and my thoughts and perspectives have changed. Today, I was challenged as I was praying, why do I do what I do? Why do I do music ministry? Is it for MYSELF or is it for GOD? I was simply left speechless at this thought....I remember growing up oh how I struggled with my musical insecurities. I was overwhelmed at this God sized music ministry dream that God had placed on my heart. I can't even begin to number the thoughts of "I'm not good enough...I'm a musical nobody." that I went through throughout this life.... Especially as I got older, and going to all these concerts, meeting all these bands, I questioned to myself if my music ministry even had a chance....and then it HIT ME once again, I love it how God reveals His heart to His beloved dear children at the most unexpected moments of life....Who was I to judge God's music passion that He Himself had placed on my heart? Who was I to say to the creator of the universe,  "Jesus, I don't think I can take this passion you've given me, here You go take it back, I don't want it!" and at the very same time Jesus BELIEVES in us!  When our dearest Jesus says I BELIEVE IN YOU....HE REALLY MEANS IT!!!! So regardless of how I viewed myself musically or how the world viewed me musically, God has entrusted this musical passion to me. He simply wants me to sing my heart to HIM. Singing to my dearest Jesus. Not trying to impress anyone....EVER. Just being my complete musical self wither people like it or not. If we're not courageous enough to express ourselves musically, and hide our passion forever, WHO EVER WILL? The world is at a HUGE loss if we choose to never share our music ministry hearts....

I realized that my heart for music ministry was simply to love God's people. Especially after being on a mission trip in Macedonia for a month, Jesus shook my world and everything I ever thought about music ministry changed. That is another reflection for another blog post.....Anyways,in my heart I realized, the only way that I was ever going to reach my dear lost brothers and sisters of Europe and throughout the world was how Christ reached me.... Jesus IS PERSONAL. This is how I feel in my heart to approach God's music ministry passion that he has placed on my heart. Being able to sing my heart to the world, then after the music fades, simply taking the time to get to know each beautiful dear brother and sister. REALLY getting to know who they are and their beautiful & unique heart, passions, and dreams in this amazing life....

If our heart motives aren't pure and genuine when it comes to music ministry WHAT IS THE POINT? What is the point of music ministry if at the end of the day, we fail to reach our dear brothers and sisters throughout the world for Christ? WE MUST BE ON THE SAME EYE LEVEL! We are all God's beautiful son's and daughters, who have a "Grazyna Aistra" (beautiful passion) to share with this world that ever so needs it...

Darkness

A perspective of life I experienced during my prayer walking/travels in Bosnia on May 29th....

My heart wanted to die
Every time it rains in Europe, I believe it is Jesus tears for every dear precious European soul...
and I share in the pain of my Savior's tears...
I couldn't bear the heaviness I felt
My heart was screaming
Overwhelmed at the darkness of Bosnia
and how lost my dear brothers and sisters are
I felt as if God placed all their pain, sadness, loneliness, depression, addictions, hopelessness and piercing cries on my heart...
on my soul...
The weight just crushed me in such a deeply moving way I have never felt before
I cry for the girl who never felt loved,
I cry for the boy who never knew his father,
I cry for my generation who silently screams at finding purpose and meaning in the precious life they have been given.
My tears and the anguish on my heart, just keep getting stronger
Father God, why have You forsaken Europe?

The Last Night ~Skillet~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIXNuI3n2ZM 
(John Cooper's message)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UizRJdg98rI&feature=endscreen&NR=1
(better vocal quality of the song The Last Night)

Lyrics:   http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/skillet/thelastnight.html

Yours To Hold ~Skillet~ <3 (My heart for Europe)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEL7xrDtXic

Burning Tears

I'll never forget the evening walking back from Bitola
I walked into the darkest street I've ever been to in Europe,
It hit me like an Auzstwitz Hell I've never felt before,
Europe is dark,
everyday I pass by people who are dead inside, empty, hollow,
in search of a hope that would bring a smile to their face,
My heart started to die as I walked,
Everything within me wanted to collapse onto the cold, wet and lonely street,
and just cry for my dear brothers and sisters in Europe,
who have a mis perception of Jesus
or simply don't know who Jesus is,
My heart walks around heavy,
deeper than the deepest abyss of the deepest ocean,
the cloudy, cold, rainy and wet streets,
standing there with my brown flats and black socks chillingly soaked all the way through seemed too coincidental,
The weather reflected Europe's spiritual heart,
The buildings and architecture leave me speechless at the exterior beauty and the art of how stylish every is brings a smile to my face,
but the interior,
my dear brothers and sisters are dying.....................
I can not stop these painful burning tears from falling..........

Torn

The day came,
I had to make the choice,
I really wanted to avoid this elephant in the room,
I tried to forget about it,
really did,
but I can't be in two places at once,
it's one or the other,
it's now or never,
it's like I'm  in the middle of an invisible tug of war against myself, standing on the edge of a  cliff
the valley below is filled with lush roses, tulips, so much diversity,
there's a couple dark patches that are mysteries of the unknown,
as I stand  on this cliff to my "safe" right, there are the beautiful smiling souls that forever changed my life, memories made that will never be forgotten,
"I sing to the end of the world, Oh my heart, oh my soul, they are shattered and torn...You know..." (Plus One) 
The art of leaving behind everything I've ever known,
is truly a lost art,
few brave souls ever dare to embrace this challenge,
I have to keep repeating to myself,
screaming to myself,
Fear. is. just. a. lie. (Mike Donehey)
there comes a time where people pleasing has to end,
it has to end,
it's very hard to leave the ones we love behind,
and honestly the things God calls us to do sometimes don't completely make sense in our humanly minds,
but I have to trust that when I'm at the seemingly "end", it's truly only the beginning,
You must look at the "impossible" challenge in the eyes,
give it your most  boldest, relentless on the verge of intimidating look,
keep staring it down,
till it doesn't stare at you anymore,
then take that step off the edge,
trusting that God will catch you in His loving arms...

Bring Me To Life by Thousand Foot Krutch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9U14ITJoDU

"Take me to a place where the doors are open,
a lovely little place where no one's broken,
welcome to a world that no one's living,
just wanna break out and escape this prison..."

"Think of every obstacle you've ever faced in your life, and then I want you to yell.....SHUT IT.! I'm sick and tired of all the lies of what you want me to be just SHUT. IT." ~Trevor McNevan~ <3

Do. Not. Be. Silent.

DO. NOT. BE. SILENT.
Do not be silent.
Please, I beg you, Do not be SILENT.

He used to passionately pursue his guitar
now it is left to collect dust and disintegrate into ashes as it is thrown into the fire

She remembers how dancing in her pink ballet shoes made her heart come alive,
now the sweet pinkness is covered in stained black dirt and unwanted garbage

He deeply regrets in his soul not telling her how much he loved her
Now she unexpectedly moves to a different country leaving her "old" life behind...
knowing she may never see him again...

She reflects back on painting the dawn, the sunsets, the sunrises, and his deep blue eyes,
now she "grew up" and pursues financially savvy dreams...

The homeless young boy stands on the cold dark streets of Moscow as the needle piercing wind blows in his sad hollowed face, 
waiting for the sweet warming musical melody that never came,

There is a quiet and shy girl who doesn't believe she is good enough or pretty enough to dance ballet,
she wishes she had an older sister that would tell her that "She believes in her".....tears stream down her pale face....

She's sitting under a tree, in a park underneath the Eiffel Tower, the colorful glowing upbeat city of Paris, is a distant memory in her heart, she puts her head in her hands as a single tear falls...she wishes he knew what she knew,

He cries inside his heart, in horrific disbelief... he missed his opportunity, his chance...he screams in agony to the vast empty starry night sky, helplessly....as the darkness echoes back in his face,

She's an aspiring artist, the colors she paints boldly portrays the  stained shattered glass mystery behind every human eye, and nostalgic heart, the father she thought she looked up to doesn't believe in creative future dreams, she longs to have someone encourage her to pursue her "poor shoeless passion"....



Dear friend, the following above stories don't have to end like this....It's up to you....Every day we have the opportunity to choose to be a voice in a dark world that echoes beautiful life changing melodies....Are you going to stay SILENT????

Do Not Be Silent by Nuteki (Не молчи)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tDoIyzuBgc&feature=BFa&list=PLE0FEB0EEA1C1D333

Miracles of the Impossible

  I go to a bible study on Monday evenings at North Central called PLATFORM. It is honestly my most favorite bible study that I've ever been a part of in my life! I'm not saying this just to say it, from the bottom of my Lithuanian heart, I mean it. The young gentleman who leads this bible study always blows me away with his passionate heart for God and life challenging messages. You know those moments of spiritual life where you become so lost in God?, that's what the worship is like.This evening  I was challenged with the following phrase that was something along the lines of this:

"Pray to God that He would bless you with an "Impossible" situation in which He would prove Himself that it is not impossible!"

AHMEN. I think we all need this reminder in our lives. How many times have we doubted or feared that Jesus would not come through for us?  I know I have....

There was a moment this evening during bible study where we simply prayed to God for "Miracles of the impossible" over various situations that we were facing in our lives. It was truly beautiful to hear everyone's prayer perspective.

I know in my own life I desire to live in such a way where Miracles of the Impossible are a daily reality. Sometimes our lives may not make sense in this present moment, but we serve a loving heavenly Father, who holds all our passions, visions, dreams, desires, joys, sorrows, fears, doubts, the largest and smallest concerns in the palm of His hands, and in His perfect timing He will reveal this truly literal (As the worship leader at Platform bible study expressed)  "Unimaginable plan" for our lives....
He also stated something like, "If you can imagine the plans that you think God has for your life, then you are not even close to realizing what God has in store for you." ~Steve Bradley~

I leave you with this....In what areas of your life do you need a "Miracle of the Impossible?"

Simple Worship

A few weeks ago, I was pacing my room simply praying to God asking for Him to show me His will. He placed the following two words on my heart "Simple Worship".

To say that I am very PASSIONATE about Worship Arts is quite the UNDERSTATEMENT in Jesus name! Sometimes I may even be just a little TOO OVER passionate....if that's even possible. Like as in, I apologize in advance if my over passionate music soul offends you in any way....With these two words that God reminded me of, it was almost too perfect of a "coincidence".

Looking back on this cough cough...."musical" year.....what musical year?....not going to lie or sugar coat this, but it was honestly rough. I think I was a cute little naive "city" girl when it came to the "art of worship leading" in the cities. I'd like to look at this year as a literal "worship arts testing" from God. I thought it would be SO EASY to find a church to plug into and do this whole worship leading thing....but I found out that it's not so....week after week passed, month after month, and a semester passed by. I was like, "God, are you for real?" Leaving me hanging like this with NO worship leading opportunity?" God whispered to my soul "Aiste, why do you worship me?" I was like, "God, what kind of question is that?!?!?! I worship you because it's when my heart connects the closest to You and I have a passion to reach the hearts of people for You through this art of music ministry!".....then it HIT me in the face like a cold Siberian tsunami, call it a spiritual slap, or whatever you like.....
I realized that all God desired is that He wanted me to "Simply Worship" Him, and Him alone.
This meant developing a daily habit of taking a little time out of my day everyday, my guitar/flute and sing my heart out to my Savior. God wants us to cherish those "little" moments of life. I honestly think my mind was SO set on finding that worship arts opportunity within the church, that I overlooked this concept. When you're in your eighties and look back on your life, what will you remember? Will you remember all those worship leading times/concerts or those "little" moments of musical life that you spent with God? When you no longer are physically able to do stage dives in the crowd, sing or play your favorite instrument for Jesus, will you look back in regret wishing you could have spent those "little" musical moments simply worship Jesus? That really convicted my soul.


It's. so. true. So many times I think we as worship leaders get SO focused on the traditional way of worship leading (stage platform, high energy worship song performance, "flawless" instrumental & vocals) that we forget what it means to "Simply Worship".  We forget that there are SO many other CREATIVE ways to go about loving God through music.To me, simply worshiping means loving on God's people whenever the opportunity arises. Wither that's talking to some dear soul on the streets of Moscow and sharing the love of God with them through music, or hanging out with my sister or dear friend. It's something that is to be done daily wither life is going great, ok, or terrible. Simple worship is singing to Jesus when you aren't on the stage platform.

In the end, it's simply a daily expression of your love to God....