Confessions of an Eastern European Missionary

You know, honestly the first couple days were absolutely great.

The highs of actually being on the blessed ground of European soil,

Everything seems to be the grass that was greener on the other side dream come true

Everything is your long lost childhood fairy tale unfolding before your very eyes,

It's like a romantic relationship, the first 18 months are just beautiful,

then the 19th hits you like the Iron Curtain in your face with nowhere to escape,

I remember my somewhat naiive missons self not to long ago, back in the month of June, in Germany, 

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into,

or exactly what God meant with the whole "Eastern European missionary calling",

9 months is not really that long of a time,

but I believe it is long enough for honest reflection of experiences.

I would like to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ who God has called to the European missions field.

Let's be honest. It's hard.........like really hard.....like deathly HARD.

After the rosyness of life melts away,

and you're walking a deserted pathway,

with the blizzard of Siberia screaming in your face,

when the depression of reality sets in,

and it hits you.....so God.......you've called me to be an "Eastern European missionary"....

Ka? Tikrai? You seriously must be joking.....OR obviously not.....

I would like to reflect on missons in relevance to the continent of Europe, but what I have learned so far I'm sure can apply to some extent across all cultures.

You have to willingly let yourself be judged by others, not once, not twice, not even three times, but one too many times than you would have liked. and in the midst of this judgement you must still be willing to bear the image of Jesus Christ and turn the other cheek. This my dearest  friends, is NOT easy. When you feel like an outsider and don't belong in the country God has called you too and the people you are called to minister to around you look at you like "What the bloody hell are you doing in my country?" it can be hard to stay spiritually strong. I know that feeling. I really do. 

You must be willing to trust God admist the darkness of this world. When your eyes are opened to the reality that your country of missons is #1 with suicides, and topping the charts with alcoholism and many other issues, it's crucial to remember that regardless of what it may seem, God is still in control and He has not forgotten your country. It's easy to look at the desperate spiritual needs and become depressed that you are one person, and your country is dying in search of the truth, and you feel like it's just too much, and that you just want to give up and take the next plane home. It's tempting yes, but it's important to take into consideration that if God called you to this country to do ministry, He believes in you and will see you through, and help you to accomplish what He started for His glory.

You must be willing to surrender your dreams, visions, and expectations of your missions country completely to God. It's hard because I know from my personal experiences, I dream such overwhelming evangelistic dreams for Lithuania. It takes strength to learn to be patient when you know that God is going to do great things within the next several years. You must remember as you find yourself struggling along in uncharted territory, not to lose hope in the dreams that God placed on your heart for your missions country. They may not happen right away or like you would have planned, but you must keep the fire and passion in your heart alive and never give up on them. These dreams were not put there by accident no matter how ridiculous or irrelevant they may seem. 

I pray and hope you find encouragement and refreshment in these reflections dearest friend. Know that you are not alone on this Eastern European missions field, with all the hardships, struggles, and joys you face along the way. <3 

Fatherless

A metaphorical/poetic illusion of an unforgettable experience.

I promised you I would go,
I stood at the midnight black iron gate
millions of voices all around me,
shouting,
crying out
pushing me to the right
throwing me to the left,
in endless circles I found myself dizzily spinning, holding on for my dear life
and so I entered,
I felt the demons of hell break loose,
the spirits of torment and darkness enclosed my soul,
on the outside she was dressed so beautiful,
as if she were an angel from heaven,
but I could see behind her mask,
my heart broke so desperately for her,
I could see a little girl who wasn't truly loved and appreciated by her father,
I saw a young man, dressed in his finest tuxedo,
quite handsome,
as if he was the prince of some foreign land,
but behind the facade,
I saw a boy who grew up with alcoholic parents,
who had his heart broken, and was searching for someone to love him for who he was,
my knees started to shake,
the tears slowly stared to fall from my face,
I saw so many stories of brokenness,
hopelessness,
depression,
loneliness,
suicidal attempts,
the scars on her wrist that were attempted to be hidden by her black lace dress,
the dripping fingerprints of delusional spirits on the dirty counter top,
and admist all this, I could see myself, feeling their pain in my heart,
it was if the angels of heaven and the demons of hell were at war with each other,
and I stood in the middle of it,
being torn apart,
so THIS is my generation,
this is what I missed out on the past 20 some years of my life,
there was no shock,
only accepted reality,
it was what I expected,
nothing less,
nothing more,
and as I walked out of the gates of  what I thought was hell,
I fell on my knees and just cried out to God to break my heart for my most beautiful and dearly loved Lithuanian generation....

Song inspiration: "Fatherless" by For Today...I pray for those who can relate to this song. <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_nzZrBoK8

Here's to my desire to remember what he left.
But, there was no time for sentiment as he took his final breath.
I was not too broken to hope for a helping hand, but I had to fight to find it.
Eight years old is too young to become a man; I left my hope behind me.
I was just another angry kid, growing up without a dad.
So I sold my soul for the highest bid, to get the love I never had.

Tell me who I am.
A kid that turned to the world for identity.
I can hardly stand.
Trying to find myself, I confined myself.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

Born from a broken home.
When my father died, I was left to find my way through life alone.
Left on my own, I put my pain on display as I fought with hatred and rage.
No son should ever have to face the world without the love of his father.
I faced the world alone.
I had no one to run to, and everything to run from.
I had no one to run to, and everything to run from.
I buried my hope in the ground.
Drowning, with no one to pull me out, sinking inside my head.

I was just another angry kid growing up without a dad,
So I sold my soul for the highest bid to get the love I never had.

Tell me who I am.
A kid that turned to the world for identity.
I can hardly stand.
Trying to find myself, I confined myself.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

Tell me who I am.
I can hardly stand.
Now I've come to see, it was never "me" I was looking for…
It was always Him, it was always Him.

SPEAK.

(a reflection dedicated to the next generation of visionaries)

She walked down the old paved street that her ancestors had trodden
that shivering snake feeling slithered up her spine,
Now in her mind everything was slowly starting to make sense,
and the sound of her heart kept playing the sweet melody over and over,
as she continued to walk,
looking in the Baltic brown,
Baltic blue,
Baltic green hazel eyes of each dear soul that she passed by,
and the tears started to roll down her face,
her heart was screaming,
like a human that was locked in a cage, shaking the metal bars with all their might,
but her outside composure was calm and collected as if nothing had happened,
dare she outcast herself within a melancholic culture and express so otherwise,
and she kept hearing the endless echoing word in her soul, it whispered,
SPEAK....
and louder and louder...
SPEAK....but she couldn't utter a single breath,
she couldn't form a single lyrical melody on her lips,
couldn't find the inspiration of a single strum on the guitar,
her fingers were too frozen to flaut a sweet summer's cherry blossom breeze,
She walked  by the suffering,
the broken hearted,
the depressed,
the alcoholic,
the scarred,
the sick,
the worrier,
the lover,
but her heart had lost its voice.
She simply could not SPEAK.
but the voice kept screaming inside her...
SPEAK....SPEAK......
the she saw a vision,
she envisioned this young lady,
who just poured her heart out to the world,
who was so passionate with her speech to those who cared to listen,
who spoke words of life, words of hope,
She gave everything she had within her soul,
and just poured it out for the world to see,
and she didn't hold back,
she didn't hide or water down her message,
every lyric that was sung to a dying world,
was so transparent,
so genuine,
so authentic,
her entire being was consumed into this, like a poetic fire that ferociously burned it all up,
and she cried the most passionate tears with all her heart,
and she gave everything,
her heart,
her soul,
her entire being,
and she collapsed on the stage,
as if she fell over dead, but her spirit was still alive,
and the microphone rolled out of her hand,
for she gave everything she had left,
until she had absolutely no more to give,
so that this dying world could know,
about a dearest Savior who loves them and who gave absolutely everything....
everything,
absolutely everything,
until His last dyring breath,
as wine red bloody sweat dripped from His thorn torn brow,
as He passionately looked up to the sky,
and painfully gazed back to His Father in heaven......
and breathed His last.....
and then He SPOKE..........
 "It Is Finished"......

Stranded In the Desert

( I dedicate this prayer reflection to anyone who finds themselves in this place) 

Why do I feel like I'm fading?

I'm trusting you God,

I really am,

Or so I thought......

5 months in,

and I honestly don't know what to think,

now I understand why people leave,

they simply have enough and leave,

this part of the world is rough,

if my own flesh and blood did not trace back here,

I probably wouldn't be here.

I know Father God,

You don't give IRRELEVANT dreams,

but I'm starting to doubt the dream You placed on my heart.

Society will laugh and mock me for it.

The ones closest to me will stare into the eyes of a stranger they never knew.

The need is simply too great.

To say that there is no hope for a country would be a terrible phrase to utter.

The spiritual atmosphere is like an African desert but yet it's Siberia outside.

How can this be?

Why does nobody seem to care about You?

Why has my generation forgotten their first love?

Why have they been silenced?

Who silenced them?

The ideas of money, sex, drinking, living life in the moment, materialism.....

The shallowness of society makes me so depressed.

Is this what the world has come to?

I know God that You don't give the ones You love more than they can handle. 

I firmly believe that.

But the mountain that is in front me?

Really God?

You must be joking...

I do my best to remember how You came through in the past.

and You came through like the greatest lightening storm.

So I know You will come through again....and again......

Some things in life honestly don't seem to have a rhythm.

Certain situations that are only a coincidence from You.

I trust You Father God.

Wither the healing comes,

OR NOT.

I trust You with my whole life.

When everyone around becomes to busy to remember who You are,

I will kneel at the dusty cross,

and remember You.

Father, forgive me for every time I did forget You.

I cry out for my generation,

Forget not the ones You love,

Never forget the ones You love,

Father God, I pray that the ones You love would not be forgotten.

On Internationalism

Lately, I've been deeply reflecting on how my life has radically changed over the past 8 months living in Europe.  I'm absolutely speechless at all the beauty that God has blessed me to live through. I'd especially like to elaborate on the issue of internationalism.  I can't even begin to STRESS HOW IMPORTANT this is. If you EVER have the chance to travel to another country and experience a different culture don't even question it JUST GO. I REPEAT JUST GO. From my personal experience, those moments of the life have been the greatest times I've ever gone through.  Tonight, as I was chatting with one of my dear friends, we started comparing the countries that we have had the chance to live through throughout our lives and how that really changed us. We consider ourselves to be the ones who see through TWO lenses instead of one. I think the "two lens" perspective is crucial and absolutely necessary in today's society. I feel so blessed to have grown up in a two culture world. Lithuanian and American. I simply want to be honest with you. The whole saying "The grass is greener on the other side"......isn't true. Each culture has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's like a  delicious disease that spreads in one aspect. (poetical metaphor intended) It seems to me that Europeans have this vision of the "American Dream" while Americans have this vision of the "European Dream" or something of the equivalent in another country. Just like people who have straight hair want curly hair and people who have curly hair want straight hair. From my observations of simply living life with people from many cultures all over the world, we're all the same when it comes to this. Curiosity is natural human instinct. It's the worm inside our stomachs that's eating us alive, the fire that's raging within us that until we quench it or "kill the curiosity"  and "make it to the other "greener" side, that burning desire will always seemingly be inside our hearts and souls. So to put it plainly...GO KILL YOUR CURIOSITY. LIVE IN THE CULTURE THAT IS ON YOUR HEART.

The transformations in my life are clearly evident and some are still developing. I'm definitely not the same person I was a year ago. Some things always stay the same, but others change. Living in Lithuania, I've learned to be a more forgiving person. For example,some people I used to be really mad at  in the United States, seeing the other side, I'm reminded that we are all human and that there are clearly cultural boundaries that make us who we are and act a certain way. I mean let's really think about this concept: People are who they are for a reason. It's not by accident. The culture and experiences of their lives has made them who they are today. The results of that is definitely a wide spectrum, but it either can leave one NARROW minded or OPEN minded.

People who choose not to open their hearts to another culture, are truly missing out on life.

It breaks my heart to see someone who is so consumed by THEIR culture that they forget how BIG the world truly is and how SMALL in reality they actually are. One observation I've noticed in Europe is how overly nationalistic society sometimes seems. You must hold on to your identity as if you were faced with your head at the guillotine, you'd rather have your head chopped off than disown your national identity. I suppose that's one major difference between Europe and the United States. Sometimes I admire this aspect of that culture, but other times it sickens me, because with over nationalism comes PRIDE. People become so PROUD about their culture that they are not accepting to "Outsiders". I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been offended by people and even wanted to punch them in the face because I have the 2 lens perspective and they only have 1. Judgements at times can be overwhelming and break the heart and shatter and scar the soul, but this opens the door of opportunity to pray for them, that their eyes would be opened to a new perspective that could forever change their life.  I am who God says I am and I am NOT defined by what a person says I am. Call me a Lithuanian, an American, a Russian, a crazy over colorful whatever, those labels sometime really cut deep, and people have no idea. They assume you're one way, and out of deep respect etiquette you choose to be silent and forgive them, because they do not know the words they say and how that affects someone.  I'm by no means perfect, but I do my best to choose my words carefully on the issues of nationalism especially, because from having to balance 2 cultures from the day I was born, I know how deep those words can cut through the heart like a double edged knife. It's painful.

So now.....

I see through the lens of forgiveness,
the lens of offering grace to others when they least deserve it,
the lens of loving others for who God created them to be and not judging them,
the lens of realizing that culture and experience shape a person into who they are,
the lens of analyzing a situation from a global perspective,
the lens of embracing who you are even when others around you are different from you,
the lens of believing in your dreams, even though they may seem impossible, at the end of the day, it's the only thing that will keep your soul alive.

So my dearest friend, TRAVEL. Hop on that plane TOMORROW. and don't look back.....and I pray that you enjoy the greatest cultural adventure of your life!

A Dedication to the Misunderstood

As 2014 comes to an open,  I'd like to address the following issue that has been on my heart lately.

Lithuanian-American. Russian-American. Estonian-American. Latvian-American. Czech Republic-American.Ukrainian-American.Moldovan-American. Polish-American. Finnish-American. Norwegian-American. Macedonian-American. Serbian-American. Croatian-American. Bosian-American. Montenegron-American. Austrian-American. German-American. Hmong-American. African-American. Chinese-American. Hispanic-American. You get my point.

I got this idea to write this reflection as I was standing at a cold bus stop in Kaunas at 5 in the morning after my travels to Warsaw for New Years. Funny how the most inspirational writing ideas of my life, come to me at the strangest hours and queerest circumstances. I started thinking about how I, and many others who bear the titile of "insert your nationality" SLASH "American" title. I would like to be a VOICE for this genre of people, because I feel like we have been misunderstood by society. I desire to SPEAK UP  and STAND UP for who we are.

So WHO ARE WE?
That is a great question to ask.
We are the ones who others consider not to be American,
yet they consider us to not exactly be European or Asian or whatever.
We are somewhere in between.
Sometimes "they" ask us to show our passports because "they" don't believe who we are. and when we make the frikin stupid mistake of showing "them" our passport "they" judge us.
Seriously, just because you OWN a frikin Bible does NOT make you a  frikin Christian,
same as the frikin Nationality in your  frikin passport DOES NOT make you who you are..........
We are a new genre of people in today's society that are result of our countries unsettled histories wither it be communism or something else.
We are every post-communist parent's dream.....(in some cases I'd like to think at least)
We are the result of the scars of communism's past intertwined with the American dream.
We live in two worlds instead of one.
We see two sides of the story instead of one.
We are judged like frikin HELL for not knowing "certain languages that we should have known by now".
We have realized that the grass is NOT necessarily greener on the other side as most of the Non-American world has fallen into the trap of thinking. (Yes, controversial thought, I know, but let's be honest, the American Dream in my opinion is a LIE, don't waste your life....if you'd like to chat about this, I would LOVE to share my perspective with you. )
We are unique, beautiful, original and creative individuals with passions, and visions and dreams that scream from the depths of our souls.

I feel like my whole life I have been misunderstood because of this national identity crisis. I have lived a unique perspective of life, that most people will never get the chance to experience. It has been my greatest blessing and my greatest curse at the same time.  I am forever thankful for it, but it haunts my soul of what could have been. And my soul wonders if the what could have been part would have been the greatest unknown nightmare.  I don't believe in coincidences or accidents, only Divine appointments. God places everyone in each part of the world for a reason. Wither you be straight up Polish, African, Asian, 3 nationalities in one or a post communist dreamer as I, the culture God placed you in was not by accident. Let me repeat, The culture that God placed you in my dearest friend WAS NOT BY ACCIDENT. There is only pure purpose behind it. It may not make sense to you or I as to why we had to grow up and live through what we did, but in God's eyes it makes perfect sense. He sees the entire picture of our lives when we merely see a small colorful snapshot of it.

So with this unique perspective of life, what I have chosen to do? For example, today I walked to the grocery store wearing a red black yelllow green floral scarf headband with a red rose, bright red fire and ice lipstick, a teal blue scarf, and wine red leggings, and black lace up leather boots that go up to my knees. Living in a country where wearing color seems to be a social taboo, I decided not to give a SHIT as to what people in society think anymore. Whenever I visit Poland, for some beautiful reason it ALWAYS brings out my inner artistic side...and oh how I have longed to see that colorful side. 

I've learned that I just need to EMBRACE to the FULLEST at who God has created me to be, and if society doesn't like it, to bloody HELL with what they think.  Why be the same  when you can be your original self? Why conform when you have a once in a life time chance to stand out? So this is my declaration and final stand to those who feel misunderstood, especially us "insert nationality" "American"........ It's time for us to come out of our shells, and show the world who we truly are, let the beautiful sunshine and echoing laughter SCREAM like a long lost heart melody in their faces........

The Best Stories of 2013 Part 1: The Polish Proposal

As the year of 2013 comes to a close, I would like to take the time to reflect back on some of  greatest stories, from a humorous, (or at least I  think) Lietuve perspective. I thank God for every single day that He gave me to walk the streets of this beautiful life this past year.

Starting from June 12th......until end of this December....

That awkward moment of life you're in an Icelandic airport and these two German guys are talking to each other and they keep looking at you. Then when you are about to board your flight, as you get up, they get up, they both look at each other and say "Moskva" and walk away..........

When you and your two friends are stranded in a train station in some random German town and you have exactly 13 minutes to find your next train connection, and everyone is freaking out and your friend walks over to this lady and says "Dresden?" and she doesn't understand him, and you say in your most heavy Russian accent, "Dresden?" and the lady smiles and points you in the right direction....and you can't help but smile a little on the inside, and be like....yeah....=P

When you and your three friends FINALLY make it to the town where the missions school of your dreams is, and this random German guy on this random German bus tells you to follow these 3 random German ladies to your "destination" and you end up stranded in a village, stuck guarding about 100+ kilograms of luggage on a hot June day singing and playing acoustic Thousand Foot Krutch covers, and end up dragging about 55 Kilograms for about 3 kilometers. and after 72 hours of traveling....you have reached the one and only Steiger Missions School.

Those moments of life you sit on a German window sill with your dearest sister, and yell out these random Russian phrases, and she screams your  crush's name, but you don't think he heard that, or if he did, he is in complete unknown denial of it until this day.

Grocery store walks to Norma with my dearest roommie accompanied with deep meaningful theological conversations.

Jumping on a forbidden trampoline with my dearest roommie like we're  5 years old and cool like that.

Playing my acoustic guitar in a German forest practically at midnight and having European guys appear out of nowhere.

That random moment of life you are at Polish Woodstock, doing your evangelistic outreach with your missions school and this Polish nun records you singing  "Here I Am To Worship" in Lithuanian on a street  corner.....

Third day into Polish Woodstock, it's about 1 in the morning and you and several friends are walking the streets of woodstock looking for evangelistic ministry opportunities with your guitar, and you end up sitting in a circle of  Polish youth that are smoking weed, with one young Georgian man who has apparently lived in Poland for a year, and they REALLY want you to sing with your guitar, but you refuse 3 times in a row, and they really persist, so you give in, and you sing the reflective melodic  song "So Far Gone" by TFK and you can see the young Georgian man slowly start tearing up with a few tears in his eyes, and he shakes your hand with deep respect, and you can't help but laugh on the inside just a little.

That random moment of life you meet 3 Lithuanians at Polish Woodstock and are in absolute shock cause this festival has like 700,000 people, and you are so proud that the cute lil Lithuanian sign you made actually worked.

When you're brave enough to let your dearest Polish and Belorussian sisters create 25 dreadlocks in your hair.

To all those beautiful memories of Steiger Missions School 2013 that you will hold close in your heart forever.....<3

Dragging 55 Kilograms of luggage all the way to Kaunas, Lietuva, BY YOURSELF, and the horrible hell of switching trains 3 times in Germany and having Baltic Air start check in 1 hour before the flight, charging you 20 Euros for check in, and 30 Euros for your guitar at the very last minute, to having only 30 minutes to find  your flight in the Riga airport.........

Actually MAKING it onto Lietuva soil and crying your eyes out at a reality that seems too good to be true.

Meeting your generation of Lithuanians for the very first time in your life and all the beautiful cultural awkwardness & judgments that comes along with that.

That awkward moment of life you ask a fellow Lithuanian where the "Food Church" is.......=P

When you're just sitting enjoying your dear Lietuve life, and this young Lithuanian man walks around shirtless as if he's waiting for you to turn and look at him, and you being your Quaker self  just keep thinking, don't look, Don't look, Don't look, you know European guys, don't get their attention, just roll your eyes and pretend they're not there, and then he asks you a question, and to be polite, you must respond, and he makes you coffee. and you are just laughing on the inside of why? how? shto? yaneznayu.....

and LAST but not least....okay maybe not last, but if you have persevered to read this far....this one is truly golden....

THAT moment of life you're at Polish Woodstock, handing out metal core bibles, and you start talking to this one Polish guy who happened to lose his back pack, and he's like FREAKING OUT like he's 5 years old, and he is probably almost 30 and you ask him if you can pray for him, that he would find his backpack with all of his important documents. and he gives you a strange look like, "I don't believe God can answer prayer", (and keep in mind this festival has 700,000) So you silently pray for his backpack, and exactly 15 minutes later, this person randomely drops off his backpack right next to him. The young Polish man is in complete shock, and you can't help but smile on the inside, and then you start talking about each others lives, and you tell him that Jesus loves him, and then after about an hour you ask him for his email address so you can keep in touch, and he's like "Email address, will you be my wife?!?!?!?" and you just sit there absolutely frozen (that moment where you are sipping your coffee and you spit /gag it out of your mouth  like an elephant spraying water) and you just look deeply into his sky blue Polish glaza, smirk, laugh and say HELL NO....okay maybe it wasn't that mean more like a sweet "no".......and he's sad............and you are trying your hardest not to burst out in laughter, and you have to step away for a few moments, and you burst out in Lietuve laughter that echos like a lion across the Polish woodstock plains........

TO BE CONTINUED......Part 2