Sea Glass Brown Eyes Reflections

It's been 18 days since I've been back from Macedonia. Just thought I'd take the time to share what God taught and showed me, and how this  beautiful south eastern European country forever changed my life....

Before I even got on the plane to go to Macedonia, I KNEW God was going to transform my life, I KNEW I was going to make lovely life long friends, & I KNEW I was never going to want to leave Europe....what I didn't realize, was how much this Macedonian missions trip was going to SHAKE the very being of who I am, and COMPLETELY take my heart and life and turn them upside down....

I don't even know where to start........
The average size of a typical evangelical church in Macedonia, Serbia, Bosnia & Montenegro is about 20-30 believers...I knew the amount of believers was going to be small, but I didn't realize this reality till I actually experienced it. This past year attending North Central University ( a small Christian college in downtown Minneapolis) my goal was to find the largest mega church possible to connect with....God completely left me speechless as I visited the churches in these south eastern European countries. One perspective that really stuck out to me was how passionate my dear Macedonian, Serbian, Bosnian, & Montenegran brothers and sisters were when it came to WORSHIP. It didn't matter the size of the church, as much as the heart did... Just seeing each worship team sing their heart out to Jesus, was absolutely. beautiful. Their worship was REAL. AUTHENTIC. FROM.THE. HEART. It just brought tears to my heart and eyes.....Despite the reality there are few Christians in these countries, my dear brothers and sisters STILL have a hope that every dear soul in their country will one day be saved, and find Christ, they have a perseverance to pursue this vision until the very end, they have such an ON FIRE heart when it comes to worship and simply loving Jesus. This may sound straight up, what I'm about to say, but "American worship" LACKS  what my dear Macedonian brothers and sisters have....I'm NOT saying every single church in America has this problem, I'm just saying this from the perspective of all the churches I've ever observed in my life....Just think about it, America has become one of the major "Worship Arts" countries of the world. It has a endless amount of worship conferences, events, schools & universities that specialize in this area of music ministry. We don't even think twice about it. With these overflowing amounts of worship arts opportunities, American worship has sadly started to lose in genuineness, authenticity, and originality. What happened to simply worshiping Jesus for who HE IS? Sounds like a DUH question, but seriously, American worship has become this SICK competition...Which church has the best worship band? Which church has the best worship experiences? Which church has the most people attending music ministry events? It just DISGUSTS me.....In Macedonia, my dear brothers and sisters, they simply get together to WORSHIP JESUS. Why?...because there is very few churches, very few believers, they simply desire to grow close to God's heart. DO YOU realize that worship arts conferences & schools are still a VERY NEW concept in south eastern europe and europe in general???? and even without these things, my dear brothers and sisters still have the same passion as you and I to simply worship Jesus. Getting the privilege to meet each dear Macedonian, Serbian, Bosnian & Montenegren worship leading musician, and realize that they are bold and daring to start this music ministry passion in their countries, was so AMAZING, and such an honor. I look up to each of them and their passionate example that they set for the rest of the worship leading world...It leaves me SO SPEECHLESS.....

More Makedonian thoughts to come...<3

That Awkward Moment When You're In Europe...Part 2

The moment you have all been waiting for....Aiste's awkward European moments part 2....I hope these following stories bring a smile to your face and a laugh to your heart....<3, ~Ruslana Evelyn~ Don't laugh too hard...

These following moments REALLY DID happen in Macedonia,Serbia,Bosnia,Montenegro,Albania,Kosovo & Austria...(Some of them are like WOW...REALLY?!?!?...this Lithuanian is serious...) =P 

That awkward moment of life you are on a plane and need to pee really bad, and a flight attendant over the intercom says to fasten your seat belts...#DANG.

That awkward moment of life when these two European guys are sleeping on the plane and they both tilt their heads toward you (lucky Lithuanian who got the middle seat! =P) and you yourself have no choice, but to attempt to fall asleep with your head forward...as much as you are tempted to put your head on a young European man's shoulders...

"Everything in Europe is skinny...the bread sticks...pretzel sticks...side walks...and the people!" ~Cate & Svetla

That funny moment of life you drink almost a whole bottle of...what you thought was Macedonian mineral water, and as you are lost under the Macedonian sky, your are SO giggly and can't stop laughing and Cate and you are being CRAZY!

"Well, be famous in Macedonia!" (Cate and I after taking pictures with these random Macedonian young men)

That awkward moment of life you are buying ice cream and the cashier asks where you are from, and you thought she was talking about just you, (not your entire missions group) and you first say, Lithuania, Minnesota, and then laugh and say, "I look SO Russian, don't I?" #identity.crisis.

"Hi, my name is Aiste, and I'm mistaken for being Russian almost everyday of my life and two years ago, I got lost in Vatican City for 15 minutes!" #true.stories. (introducing myself to Arizona State University, the other 10 out of 20 people on our missions team)

"I'm going to have a funeral ceremony for Ruslana (my flute)...she lived to be 4 years old, now she's somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean...rusting her silver self away..." #lost.luggage. =''(

I want to get lost in You...underneath your Macedonian sky...<3

"Even the fat people in Europe are skinny!" ~Cate

Aiste: "Are you Egyptian?"
Jacobo: "No, I'm actually Mexican..."

That overly adventurous moment of life there are 19 college students packed into 1 large blue van, it's so tall you can actually stand in it, and Bronco (your professor) tells everyone to duck for police as you're speeding down the Macedonian highway, and he says "just kidding" and then he sees real Macedonian police, and you quickly duck once more..

That sermon translating moment when your friend says "Aiste" and Bronco translates into "Svetlana". #so.she.was.a.Russian.spy.all.along.

That moment of life you walk by a group of about 20 Macedonian young men, and you are quite positive, you overheard them say "Rusiskii" (Russian) #dang.even.european.people.I.don't.know.assume.I'm.Russian.

That awkward moment of life when you are walking down one of the church's hallways (Agape in Skopje) and you think you hear 2 ladies speaking Russian, and you lean your head inches away from the door, creeping on their conversation and one of the ladies unexpectedly opens the door and you almost get smacked in the face, and you pretend to keep casually walking, as if nothing happened.

You know you're passionate about European/Russian music ministry, when...as you're walking the streets of Skopje, you are picking out future concert venues in your head for your music ministry...

That adventurous moment of life it's late at night, and you're walking with your missions group on the streets of Shutka, waiting for a bus that possibly might not come...#midnight.European.adventure.

That surreal moment of life your proffesor is driving 2mph through Shutka's downtown city life with a van full of  girls (we made the guys walk behind us HA HA) and as you look out your window, the young Macedonian men, look drop dead gorgeous...#future?...husband?...

That funny moment of life when Cate & Svetla are at a Macedonian restaurant and are joking that the next guy to walk into the restaurant is the one they will marry, and for some funny reason, they keep walking in pairs, and your professor finds out about this, and is like WOW...REALLY!?!?!?

That awkward moment you're eating a Shupska salad at a Macedonian restaurant and this good looking young Macedonian man, (about 100 feet away) won't stop looking at you. #eastern.european.women.

That freakin hilarious moment of life when you find yourself in the heart of Skopje, Macedonia inside Agape Church, literally dressed up like a Russian Red colored pencil commiting a European fashion crime of wearing sneakers...

That awkward momen you are at the most beautiful open air restaurant you've ever been to in Europe, which is literally inside an old castle, and as you're having a European model photo shoot with your dear friend Hannah, the waiter won't stop creeping on you.#Get.Over.My.Russian.Face!

"This restuarant is SO beautiful, I've decided I want to get married here!" ~Svetla #European.Wedding.Plans.

That cute moment of life when a Croatian baby boy (Kiki) won't stop laughing at you as you eat your food. #Lithuanians.are.naturally.funny?

That awkward moment when you yell to Cate, "All European men are Hott!" and as you're walking you look up and to your horror you realize the upstairs window of the church is open, so all the American guys on your missions team just heard your comment...#OUCH.

Cate: "This child is SO DRAMATIC!"
Svetla: "Well, that proves he must be a Russian guy..." #Russian.guy.reality.

That funny moment of life you're teaching one of your friend's the Russian word "Durat" on a bus and as you say this word a little too loud, and an older gentleman nearby has a smirk on his face...#gavaru.parusski?

That musical moment of life you are walking the streets of Skopje's downtown mall and you see this young Macedonian man sitting on a bench, singing and playing his guitar! #European.music.hipster.

That interesting moment of life you're walking the downtown streets of Skopje, and you see a young European man that has dreads...#first.European.I've.ever.seen.in.dreads....Europeans.don't.do.dreads....LOL

Svetla in Russian accent: "American boy like me, but I no like American boy." #just.one.exception...=P

WOW...LOL PART 3 coming soon!!!



    

Memories

Looking back on this beautiful life,
these fading memories are in the back of my mind,
remembering the warm summer August day,
meeting you in the midst of a crowd of 200,000
for some lovely reason you stood out,
your kind brown eyes,
the smiles,
the laughs,
are now a distant thought,
As for why, I have yet to find out...

I'm walking the streets of Vilnius,
it's been 11 years since I last saw you,
sitting there on the street,
dressed in pajamas,
your brown wavy hair,
the saddest eyes,
your head bowed down,
why it had to be you,
I ask God every night...

Oh how you were so kind,
so sweet,
my heart smiled every time I saw you,
I remember trying to find you,
in a sea of 10,000 people,
I didn't need to,
you were standing there,
20 ft away,
with your usual smile that lights up all of heaven and earth,
oh how I wish time was eternal,
those moments were too short,
every second, so precious,
I thank God everyday for you,
such a beautiful soul...
a truly beautiful soul...

Underground coffeeshops,
acoustic worship evenings,
you camouflaged into this lively night scene,
then several months later,
I came across you once again,
an unexpected surprise,
the prayer I once prayed as a cute little challenge to God,
I didn't realize He was going to answer it in the way He did,
my soul laughs at this irony,
you happened to have a passion for the same language as I,
our mini language conversations,
the speechlessness on your face,
as I spoke my language,
your story,
your beautiful story,
Thank you for being such an inspiration!

  Standing on the streets of my favorite European city,
those grey cobble stone streets,
the colorful architecture of the town,
it seemed like a dream,
too good to be true,
to be reality,
a tear slide down my heart,
to be alive for this moment,
you were standing there,
so serious,
walking those streets,
we were seemingly lost,
laughing into the sun,
the priceless smile on your face,
never will I forget,
you totally never saw this crazy surprise coming,
but yes, they do exist,
you did the sweetest thing,
the gift of eternal life,
even though it will take a while to understand the Cyrillic,
my soul smiled so brightly that last day,
Thank you so much for the beautiful memories...

 <3 ~Svetlana~
 
I pray that these memories, oh these precious memories, are not goodbye...

Say Goodbye by Skillet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XzA0FEEyF8

The End Is Where We Begin

When was this war EVER going to end...
She thought quietly to herself,
outwardly she was silent,
inwardly her soul was screaming for answers,
So many identities,
which one was true?
Ruslana Evelyn in Russia
Svetlana in Macedonia,
Ice Tea in America,
or where all of these names a sum of identities of who she was?
Torn between two  very different worlds every single day,
 America,
Europe,
America,
Europe,
Minnesota,
Lithuania,
Minnesota,
Lithuania,
to the outside world it looked all sweet and cute,
this european passion,
but they really don't see this invisible war,
this reality that is faced everyday,
 a struggle of what identity,
what world to choose,
the sacrifices that have to be made,
 the painful goodbyes that must eventually take place,
oh how it is going to be ever so hard,
questions racing through her mind,
why now? why this time, Father God?
having to trust that God's will,
always seems to show up in those unlikely, unexpected moments of life,
even amidst the chaos,
there is this relentless hope,
a passion burning,
to fight for the souls that have not even been met yet,
having a heart to do whatever it takes to reach these dear brothers and sisters,
even if it means giving up everything,
and starting a new life,
in another place,
another, time,
another world,
starting literally from  absolutely nothing,
and creating something,
something truly beautiful,
in a world scarred with brokeness,
to go to the darkest corners of the earth,
and be that light,
in the "most terrifying" of places ,
to confidentially smile and kiss this darkness...


Power of Your Name by Lincoln Brewster: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3adFUYibqk

Grazyna Aistra

This morning as I was praying, it finally hit me....19 freakin years later.....
As most of you know I am VERY PASSIONATE about music ministry. Words will never be able to describe my heart in this area.....God simply whispered to me...."Stop proving yourself..." I was like, God, wait...what are trying to say, then I realized.......especially this year and ever since God placed the passion of music ministry on my heart 11 long years ago, that I had simply tried to "Prove myself". I just want to apoligize in advance for anything offensive I might say about my views on music ministry. I realized that my whole life I had been trying to musically prove myself to people. That's sad, oh so VERY sad....and was I concious of this fact all the time? yes and no. It sickens me to think what path music ministry in America has taken.
Music ministry means seeing eye level to eye level with the dear brother or sister you're singing your heart out to.....easier said than done! I've met so many freakin bands who say they're all about music ministry (I will resist the temptation to mention any names) and loving Jesus, but their very words are spit on my Lithuanian face. You know what I mean, those of you who get really excited to meet a band, and then as you're talking to them, you can just tell how they think that they are somehow "higher" "better" or "more special" than you. WOW....REALLY!?!?! That REALLY makes me so angry!
Going back to the thought of "proving" myself.....I've noticed this with my passion for worship leading. Do you realize that for most worship bands you have to audition? Obviously, DUH...but seriously, it's sickening to think that you have to "audition to worship Jesus". "Hi, I'm Aiste, and today I'm auditioning to worship Jesus!" That sounds absolutely BRILLIANT, doesn't it? NOT. I know this argument can go both ways and there are a ton of worship bands out there that simply form and no auditions are needed. It just breaks my heart that there are people out there who think they have the right to judge someone's music passion... I remember when God placed the passion of music ministry on my heart like yesterday....oh how my heart has grown and my thoughts and perspectives have changed. Today, I was challenged as I was praying, why do I do what I do? Why do I do music ministry? Is it for MYSELF or is it for GOD? I was simply left speechless at this thought....I remember growing up oh how I struggled with my musical insecurities. I was overwhelmed at this God sized music ministry dream that God had placed on my heart. I can't even begin to number the thoughts of "I'm not good enough...I'm a musical nobody." that I went through throughout this life.... Especially as I got older, and going to all these concerts, meeting all these bands, I questioned to myself if my music ministry even had a chance....and then it HIT ME once again, I love it how God reveals His heart to His beloved dear children at the most unexpected moments of life....Who was I to judge God's music passion that He Himself had placed on my heart? Who was I to say to the creator of the universe,  "Jesus, I don't think I can take this passion you've given me, here You go take it back, I don't want it!" and at the very same time Jesus BELIEVES in us!  When our dearest Jesus says I BELIEVE IN YOU....HE REALLY MEANS IT!!!! So regardless of how I viewed myself musically or how the world viewed me musically, God has entrusted this musical passion to me. He simply wants me to sing my heart to HIM. Singing to my dearest Jesus. Not trying to impress anyone....EVER. Just being my complete musical self wither people like it or not. If we're not courageous enough to express ourselves musically, and hide our passion forever, WHO EVER WILL? The world is at a HUGE loss if we choose to never share our music ministry hearts....

I realized that my heart for music ministry was simply to love God's people. Especially after being on a mission trip in Macedonia for a month, Jesus shook my world and everything I ever thought about music ministry changed. That is another reflection for another blog post.....Anyways,in my heart I realized, the only way that I was ever going to reach my dear lost brothers and sisters of Europe and throughout the world was how Christ reached me.... Jesus IS PERSONAL. This is how I feel in my heart to approach God's music ministry passion that he has placed on my heart. Being able to sing my heart to the world, then after the music fades, simply taking the time to get to know each beautiful dear brother and sister. REALLY getting to know who they are and their beautiful & unique heart, passions, and dreams in this amazing life....

If our heart motives aren't pure and genuine when it comes to music ministry WHAT IS THE POINT? What is the point of music ministry if at the end of the day, we fail to reach our dear brothers and sisters throughout the world for Christ? WE MUST BE ON THE SAME EYE LEVEL! We are all God's beautiful son's and daughters, who have a "Grazyna Aistra" (beautiful passion) to share with this world that ever so needs it...

Darkness

A perspective of life I experienced during my prayer walking/travels in Bosnia on May 29th....

My heart wanted to die
Every time it rains in Europe, I believe it is Jesus tears for every dear precious European soul...
and I share in the pain of my Savior's tears...
I couldn't bear the heaviness I felt
My heart was screaming
Overwhelmed at the darkness of Bosnia
and how lost my dear brothers and sisters are
I felt as if God placed all their pain, sadness, loneliness, depression, addictions, hopelessness and piercing cries on my heart...
on my soul...
The weight just crushed me in such a deeply moving way I have never felt before
I cry for the girl who never felt loved,
I cry for the boy who never knew his father,
I cry for my generation who silently screams at finding purpose and meaning in the precious life they have been given.
My tears and the anguish on my heart, just keep getting stronger
Father God, why have You forsaken Europe?

The Last Night ~Skillet~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIXNuI3n2ZM 
(John Cooper's message)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UizRJdg98rI&feature=endscreen&NR=1
(better vocal quality of the song The Last Night)

Lyrics:   http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/skillet/thelastnight.html

Yours To Hold ~Skillet~ <3 (My heart for Europe)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEL7xrDtXic

Burning Tears

I'll never forget the evening walking back from Bitola
I walked into the darkest street I've ever been to in Europe,
It hit me like an Auzstwitz Hell I've never felt before,
Europe is dark,
everyday I pass by people who are dead inside, empty, hollow,
in search of a hope that would bring a smile to their face,
My heart started to die as I walked,
Everything within me wanted to collapse onto the cold, wet and lonely street,
and just cry for my dear brothers and sisters in Europe,
who have a mis perception of Jesus
or simply don't know who Jesus is,
My heart walks around heavy,
deeper than the deepest abyss of the deepest ocean,
the cloudy, cold, rainy and wet streets,
standing there with my brown flats and black socks chillingly soaked all the way through seemed too coincidental,
The weather reflected Europe's spiritual heart,
The buildings and architecture leave me speechless at the exterior beauty and the art of how stylish every is brings a smile to my face,
but the interior,
my dear brothers and sisters are dying.....................
I can not stop these painful burning tears from falling..........