Torn

The day came,
I had to make the choice,
I really wanted to avoid this elephant in the room,
I tried to forget about it,
really did,
but I can't be in two places at once,
it's one or the other,
it's now or never,
it's like I'm  in the middle of an invisible tug of war against myself, standing on the edge of a  cliff
the valley below is filled with lush roses, tulips, so much diversity,
there's a couple dark patches that are mysteries of the unknown,
as I stand  on this cliff to my "safe" right, there are the beautiful smiling souls that forever changed my life, memories made that will never be forgotten,
"I sing to the end of the world, Oh my heart, oh my soul, they are shattered and torn...You know..." (Plus One) 
The art of leaving behind everything I've ever known,
is truly a lost art,
few brave souls ever dare to embrace this challenge,
I have to keep repeating to myself,
screaming to myself,
Fear. is. just. a. lie. (Mike Donehey)
there comes a time where people pleasing has to end,
it has to end,
it's very hard to leave the ones we love behind,
and honestly the things God calls us to do sometimes don't completely make sense in our humanly minds,
but I have to trust that when I'm at the seemingly "end", it's truly only the beginning,
You must look at the "impossible" challenge in the eyes,
give it your most  boldest, relentless on the verge of intimidating look,
keep staring it down,
till it doesn't stare at you anymore,
then take that step off the edge,
trusting that God will catch you in His loving arms...

Bring Me To Life by Thousand Foot Krutch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9U14ITJoDU

"Take me to a place where the doors are open,
a lovely little place where no one's broken,
welcome to a world that no one's living,
just wanna break out and escape this prison..."

"Think of every obstacle you've ever faced in your life, and then I want you to yell.....SHUT IT.! I'm sick and tired of all the lies of what you want me to be just SHUT. IT." ~Trevor McNevan~ <3

Do. Not. Be. Silent.

DO. NOT. BE. SILENT.
Do not be silent.
Please, I beg you, Do not be SILENT.

He used to passionately pursue his guitar
now it is left to collect dust and disintegrate into ashes as it is thrown into the fire

She remembers how dancing in her pink ballet shoes made her heart come alive,
now the sweet pinkness is covered in stained black dirt and unwanted garbage

He deeply regrets in his soul not telling her how much he loved her
Now she unexpectedly moves to a different country leaving her "old" life behind...
knowing she may never see him again...

She reflects back on painting the dawn, the sunsets, the sunrises, and his deep blue eyes,
now she "grew up" and pursues financially savvy dreams...

The homeless young boy stands on the cold dark streets of Moscow as the needle piercing wind blows in his sad hollowed face, 
waiting for the sweet warming musical melody that never came,

There is a quiet and shy girl who doesn't believe she is good enough or pretty enough to dance ballet,
she wishes she had an older sister that would tell her that "She believes in her".....tears stream down her pale face....

She's sitting under a tree, in a park underneath the Eiffel Tower, the colorful glowing upbeat city of Paris, is a distant memory in her heart, she puts her head in her hands as a single tear falls...she wishes he knew what she knew,

He cries inside his heart, in horrific disbelief... he missed his opportunity, his chance...he screams in agony to the vast empty starry night sky, helplessly....as the darkness echoes back in his face,

She's an aspiring artist, the colors she paints boldly portrays the  stained shattered glass mystery behind every human eye, and nostalgic heart, the father she thought she looked up to doesn't believe in creative future dreams, she longs to have someone encourage her to pursue her "poor shoeless passion"....



Dear friend, the following above stories don't have to end like this....It's up to you....Every day we have the opportunity to choose to be a voice in a dark world that echoes beautiful life changing melodies....Are you going to stay SILENT????

Do Not Be Silent by Nuteki (Не молчи)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tDoIyzuBgc&feature=BFa&list=PLE0FEB0EEA1C1D333

Miracles of the Impossible

  I go to a bible study on Monday evenings at North Central called PLATFORM. It is honestly my most favorite bible study that I've ever been a part of in my life! I'm not saying this just to say it, from the bottom of my Lithuanian heart, I mean it. The young gentleman who leads this bible study always blows me away with his passionate heart for God and life challenging messages. You know those moments of spiritual life where you become so lost in God?, that's what the worship is like.This evening  I was challenged with the following phrase that was something along the lines of this:

"Pray to God that He would bless you with an "Impossible" situation in which He would prove Himself that it is not impossible!"

AHMEN. I think we all need this reminder in our lives. How many times have we doubted or feared that Jesus would not come through for us?  I know I have....

There was a moment this evening during bible study where we simply prayed to God for "Miracles of the impossible" over various situations that we were facing in our lives. It was truly beautiful to hear everyone's prayer perspective.

I know in my own life I desire to live in such a way where Miracles of the Impossible are a daily reality. Sometimes our lives may not make sense in this present moment, but we serve a loving heavenly Father, who holds all our passions, visions, dreams, desires, joys, sorrows, fears, doubts, the largest and smallest concerns in the palm of His hands, and in His perfect timing He will reveal this truly literal (As the worship leader at Platform bible study expressed)  "Unimaginable plan" for our lives....
He also stated something like, "If you can imagine the plans that you think God has for your life, then you are not even close to realizing what God has in store for you." ~Steve Bradley~

I leave you with this....In what areas of your life do you need a "Miracle of the Impossible?"

Simple Worship

A few weeks ago, I was pacing my room simply praying to God asking for Him to show me His will. He placed the following two words on my heart "Simple Worship".

To say that I am very PASSIONATE about Worship Arts is quite the UNDERSTATEMENT in Jesus name! Sometimes I may even be just a little TOO OVER passionate....if that's even possible. Like as in, I apologize in advance if my over passionate music soul offends you in any way....With these two words that God reminded me of, it was almost too perfect of a "coincidence".

Looking back on this cough cough...."musical" year.....what musical year?....not going to lie or sugar coat this, but it was honestly rough. I think I was a cute little naive "city" girl when it came to the "art of worship leading" in the cities. I'd like to look at this year as a literal "worship arts testing" from God. I thought it would be SO EASY to find a church to plug into and do this whole worship leading thing....but I found out that it's not so....week after week passed, month after month, and a semester passed by. I was like, "God, are you for real?" Leaving me hanging like this with NO worship leading opportunity?" God whispered to my soul "Aiste, why do you worship me?" I was like, "God, what kind of question is that?!?!?! I worship you because it's when my heart connects the closest to You and I have a passion to reach the hearts of people for You through this art of music ministry!".....then it HIT me in the face like a cold Siberian tsunami, call it a spiritual slap, or whatever you like.....
I realized that all God desired is that He wanted me to "Simply Worship" Him, and Him alone.
This meant developing a daily habit of taking a little time out of my day everyday, my guitar/flute and sing my heart out to my Savior. God wants us to cherish those "little" moments of life. I honestly think my mind was SO set on finding that worship arts opportunity within the church, that I overlooked this concept. When you're in your eighties and look back on your life, what will you remember? Will you remember all those worship leading times/concerts or those "little" moments of musical life that you spent with God? When you no longer are physically able to do stage dives in the crowd, sing or play your favorite instrument for Jesus, will you look back in regret wishing you could have spent those "little" musical moments simply worship Jesus? That really convicted my soul.


It's. so. true. So many times I think we as worship leaders get SO focused on the traditional way of worship leading (stage platform, high energy worship song performance, "flawless" instrumental & vocals) that we forget what it means to "Simply Worship".  We forget that there are SO many other CREATIVE ways to go about loving God through music.To me, simply worshiping means loving on God's people whenever the opportunity arises. Wither that's talking to some dear soul on the streets of Moscow and sharing the love of God with them through music, or hanging out with my sister or dear friend. It's something that is to be done daily wither life is going great, ok, or terrible. Simple worship is singing to Jesus when you aren't on the stage platform.

In the end, it's simply a daily expression of your love to God....

So Far Gone in You

I can't believe how fast life has truly flown by. I'm sitting on a black iron chair, outside North Central's  white 5 pillar European looking library with the view of downtown Minneapolis to my left, watching the golden sunset. It's been 7 months since I started going to North Central. It has honestly hands down been the greatest 7 months of my life. I was just reflecting back on how God has truly been so amazing. It's only by His loving grace that I ever lived to see my 19th birthday. And I don't say that to exaggerate, I mean it literally..... So I pray that as God inspires me to write these following words, that you would be blessed and encouraged...~Ruslana Evelyn <3

Looking back on the year of being the cute age of 18, God has worked in my life in so many ways. It wasn't at all easy, that year had it's own challenges, trial, struggles, hopes and joys. My heart firstly goes out to all my dear friends who are figuring out what college they want to go to. I was SO there throughout the ENTIRE HELLISH process. The best advice I can offer is simply to pray and ask God where He wants you to go. I know this might obviously sound like a "DUH" thought, but seriously, God hears the cries of a passionate heart. NEVER go through the college deciding process I went through. I applied to 6 Christian colleges and 3 public colleges. yeah....I mean if you're totally overly adventurous like I naturally am, totally go for it, but save yourself some stress....=) I love how God worked in my college situation despite my crazy stubbornness! I had my heart set on going to Colorado Christian University up until the 3rd week of July....It was honestly by God's grace how I ended up at North Central. God truly led me to His Heart for my life.....Don't be afraid to make a last minute college decision....I did and it still turned out more than I could have ever dreamed of! Jesus continues to bless me with His loving signs that I was truly meant to be here. NEVER EVER give up hope in your college situation, Jesus IS WITH YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE WAY!

Today during chapel, a young man by the name of Darin Strout preached a sermon on " pursuing God's passions, visions & dreams in your life. I absolutely LOVE sermons that talk about the passions God has placed on our hearts to bring glory to Him!!! God. Sized. Dreams. Sometimes I seriously think I was "cursed" with too big of a God sized dream. I've questioned Jesus many times at how this vision will come to pass.After chapel, I went up to the front and fell on my knees and just cried out to God inside my heart. I thought I'd type this prayer out, so that if you feel in your own heart lead to pray it out as well...

"Father God, thank You for all that You are and how You blessed me with the day to live to see my 19th birthday. It just amazes me how You were truly faithful every step of the way even when I felt like giving up on life.Jesus you've placed this God Sized Dream on my heart, and I honestly feel like somewhere along the way the passion, the fire, the zest & energy of life was lost. Fear took a hold of this passion and I froze, I doubted, my whole world was shaken before my very eyes and it felt like the very depths of my heart and my soul were crushed and burned to the ground. Jesus in Your Holy & precious name, into Your graciously loving and compassionate hands, I rededicate this passion You have placed on my heart to glorify You. I pray that by Your mighty hand that you would place a set a new fire burning inside my heart, a refreshed energy and life inside this shattered soul of mine. Restore what has been made broken. Restore Your creation to Your original purpose. I pray for all the joys and hopeful moments that I'll encounter along this life journey that You would be with me. I pray that You would put those blessed dear friends in my path that you want me to meet in this beautiful life. I pray for connections and opportunities for Your Passion in my life in YOUR PERFECT TIMING. I ask for patience to grace and light the way of every step I take, especially in those moments when life is completely falling apart and nothing makes sense, and there's no perfect stained glass picture. Jesus remind my soul that YOU are in control and in the end you only have good things in store for me.Heavenly Father, I pray that this would be THE YEAR of my life where I would relentlessly and RADICALLY live for You in such a way I have never imagined to live. Jesus with all of my heart, soul, and mind my heart's greatest desire is to LIVE for you WITH EVERYTHING that I have within me. I want to give you EVERYTHING I have  EVERYDAY of  THIS YEAR and the rest of my life. Jesus I pray that no matter what challenges or trials or hardships I will face in the future for every single year You bless me with to be alive to glorify You, that you would give me the heart to pursue Your Passion RELENTLESSLY UNTIL MY LAST DYING BREATH. In Jesus name, Ahmen."

Re dedication of passion is something I desire to do daily. It brings my life focus back into God's perspective and where He wants me. Currently, this is where God has lead me so far. He confirmed in my heart this past year,that I am called to go reach my generation of Europeans and Russians. As for what ministry method to go about doing this, He has confirmed that it will be through Music Ministry. He's also placed on my heart the vision to possibly plant a few churches in my dearest eastern European homeland country of Lithuania. This may sound like I have it all together, but honestly, I DON'T. This is just a general picture, and God is day by day revealing more of the details. He's placed on my heart to start praying for the specifics such as who will be part of this music ministry band, what country to start in...etc. LOL and you wonder why I say I feel "cursed and blessed" at the same time with this God. Sized Dream! =P One of the greatest ministry blessings I came across this year was STEIGER INTERNATIONAL. It's a European based music ministry that desires to reach the hearts of young people for Christ in Europe, Russia, the United States and throughout the world. Words cannot describe what a miracle it was to discover this music ministry. I'm continuing to pray for God's direction, if all goes as planned...LOL (we'll see) I'm hoping to go to Steiger International's Radical Missions school summer 2013 in Germany. As of now, it would be my dream to branch off of Steiger International with my own music ministry. I can possibly see myself being involved with Steiger for the rest of my life, or a good portion of it. Until then, we shall see where God leads me this year...

As I've come to realize...Jesus is always full of surprises.....<3

Where We Were Meant To Be All Along

WOW, I can't believe in a month and a half, I'll already be done with my freshman year of college at North Central University...Words cannot describe how beautiful this year of life has been....

A few days ago, I FINALLY switched my major worship leading...You may be thinking,....really? People switch their majors all the time, it's no big deal...behind those words lies a story, a life, ,a vision, a dream, a passion. To put it simply, at this point in my life, this is where my heart is at. I can't bear the thought of lying there in my bed before I fall asleep just thinking of that  Russian girl my age walking the streets of Moscow, her heart suffering, she's in a broken relationship, wanting someone to love her back. Or the Lithuanian guy searching for meaning and purpose in his life, every day just waking up and not having a passion to live life anymore. Those thoughts keep my passion in check.

When it comes to missions, the first continent that pops into society's mind is Africa or perhaps Asia or the middle east.  There's no sugar coating this, but Europe and Russia are DYING. Their spirituality and passion to live for Christ are long gone. How can I just stay in the overflowlingly blessed Christian country of America and pursue a "normal" life? I've realized the so called "American Dream" IS SO NOT ME...I honestly don't care about having the nicest house, car or financially savvy job....ESPECIALLY with the passion of worship leading that God has placed on my heart, FINANCES? LOL, WHAT FINANCES? This was probably one of the most controversial aspects growing up. I remember talking to people and they were like "How are you going to make a living with worship leading, are you in right mind?!?!?!" I can't even begin to tell you how much my worship arts passion was burned through the fire by society. Honestly the answer to this finance question is....I simply don't know....It's all in God's hands...This response I know makes quite a few people feel uncomfortable. We're so used to being secure, comfortable, we forget how BIG a God we serve. We underestimate His power. I remember in highschool my teachers and classmates and friends asked me what I was going to do when I went to college.....Back then  I said I was going to major in teaching english as a foreign language and minor in worship leading.MINOR IN WORSHIP LEADING?  LOL....oh the white lies we tell people just to blend in with the rest of society... I was ashamed to admit that my true "lowly financial passion" in life was worship leading....WHY was I so ashamed to tell my fellow teachers, classmates, and friends from highschool where my heart really was? I honestly think it was because "Worship Leading" from where I was from, was absolutely UNHEARD of. I remember all my classmates saying how they were going to major in some prestigious degree, wither it be Chemistry, math, biology, nursing, doctor, or lawyer....I felt like the town I was from looked down upon worship leading. I felt like they considered it to be a "degree of low and non prestigious status.." and you know what I think to this day? I. Don't. Freakin. Care. Society needs to once again WAKE UP and realize that this world is SPIRITUALLY DYING, and we can't just sit on our cute American butts, living our cute American lives, driving our cute American cars, eating our fat cute American food, and live in our cute American house thinking that "someone else, that's not me" is going to reach the rest of this LOST WORLD for Jesus.
I have a confession to make, to all my classmates in highschool, the whole academic thing was SO not me. If you knew the academic HELL I went through you would have not lived to see graduation day. I was under enormous pressure, and growing up in a small freakin town where everyone expected you to be this great smart a** academic someone, it was a joke. If I could do it all over again, I would have not been so overly focused on stupid academics. Don't me wrong, doing well, getting all A's in school is WONDERFUL, if you're that type of person. If YOU yourself would have been under the stupid academic situation I'm sure you would have thought differently as well. Also, just to let you know I HATE SCIENCE. I HATE MATH. Sorry, but that's so not me.SURPRISE. =P God hasn't called me to be a scholar in those areas  (Thank God, I would have seriously died) and I'm completely fine with that.

Do you want to know where my heart is truly at? God gave me the passion of Christian music on my heart when I accepted Him for the very first time into my heart when I was 8 years old. Going to Sonshine Festival and Lifelight Festival (Christian music festivals) for the past 7 years ever since I was 12 is what really ignited my passion for worship leading. How could I ever forget and disown those nights standing in the middle of a Skillet mosh pit with tears streaming down my face as John Cooper sang the song "Last Night" or "Yours To Hold"? How could I just quietly move on after standing outside on a warm sunset evening crying out to God singing "By Your Side", and "Hold My Heart" as Tenth Avenue North, Mike Donehey sang words of truth into my life....How could I just toss this thought off my shoulders after hearing Dawn's testimony ( Lead singer of Fireflight) share her heart and me realizing for the first time in my life my freshman summer that God, doesn't expect me to be perfect and having the chains of perfectionism fall off from my life? How can I just merely smile at those too many to count Christian concert experiences and just move on? I honestly wish you could have been there with me to experience every Christian music concert I went to, so you'd realize why my passion for worship leading and music ministry IS SO STRONG. Those experiences changed my life.....my heart...and the VERY essence and breath of who I am......

 My heart's desire is to reach my lost generation of European's and Russians for Jesus through music ministry.......

I'm so glad I FINALLY WOKE UP to the passion God placed in my heart.  It took me almost 19 years....Yes, it will be financially risky, adventurously unpredictable, and it's DEFINITELY not prestigious in society's eyes....but in Christ's eyes knowing the peace inside my heart  realizing I'm where He wants me to be....that in itself is worth waking up to every day for the rest of my life....<3

The Passion

I dedicate the following poem to all my passionate dear friends who have a vision to change the world....~Ruslana Evelyn~

Sitting on the living room floor on a cold sunny winter day,
The sweet 8 year old girl was playing with her dolls,
Her dad quietly places a CD in her lap,
She runs upstairs to delightedly anxious to listen to it,
The lyrics transform her into another time, another place,
 another world 15 years later  that she doesn't even know about,
God places The Passion deep inside her soul,
She sings,
Her passion is put to the test through many, many, many fires,
It is thrown off Mount Everest and rapidly crashes into rock, after rock after rock,
Her passion finally reaches the bottom,
It lies there silently, so cold, so barren,
Her passion doesn't seem to have the strength to get up,
It is then trampled on by the Nazi army,
every soldier's footstep, thousands upon thousands of them, stomping and crushing her passion by the heels of their feet as they walk by,
It is then kicked into Auschwitz hell...
Her passion is an ash, floating in the air,
It quietly lands on Stalin's desk,
Her passion sees the faces of suffering, hopelessness,and darkness too deep to speak of,
bloodied, bruised hands reach out to her passion,
from a far off distance she sees a thread of light,
she walks barefoot on the gray calloused chalky ground,
It starts to rain and thunder creeps in,
She runs toward this last gleam of hope,
As if it were for the for time, she looks into His eyes,
she is at a loss for words,
tears streaming down her face,
She says, "God, here's my passion that You gave me..................
it went through so much..................................................
but somehow You gave me the strength to hold onto it.....................until my last dying breath......"

Song: War of Change ~Thousand Foot Krutch