Heart Language

I wanted to throw up I was so nervous
What was I doing here?
7,000 kilometers across the ocean for this?
I stood there mesmerized and taken in
reflecting back on every moment of musical inspiration
oh those priceless memories of  my childhood past
I wished you could have lived through them with me
then you would understand
now you never will
it was a moment lost in time
that perhaps did not culturally cross over as I expected
I felt so unworthy to stand there
the red lights charismatically dancing
this was the land of my flesh and blood
I looked them in the eye
our hearts were so different
as night is from the day
I silently prayed and just gave it all back to You
For this moment
for this hour
It was all for You, Your beautiful glory, heart and passion.
Perhaps the onlooking world will never quite understand
but at this point it doesn't matter,
and so I began to sing
in my UNheart language
Oh the sweet lingering melodies of this UNheart language
filled the air as an aroma of perfume
You truly understood this reflection
even if I didn't...

those memories of 18 years, nostalgically came back, she would have flown into the heavenlies
oh but how life changes
when you least expect it

One day you find yourself standing in the middle of an American charistmatic worship service passionately dancing and singing to Jesus

the next day standing in the middle of an American Christian metal mosh pit passionately dancing and screaming  for God's glory

the day after that looking into the soul of Europe...
oh those artistic streets of Dreseden
dusty rock corners of Polish woodstock
those childrens watery eyes in Macedonia
the fire in his Montenegran eyes
the cloudy tears of the Czech Republic
that nostalgic Albanian sunset
those secret Serbian handshakes
The Bosnian pastor's determination to share Christ's love in his city
 the jazzy cobblestone streets of Lithuania
Sharing God's love within the rock and metal scene...

its quite a  relentless mystery all these memories
perhaps certain moments aren't meant to marry each other
they aren't supposed to make sense
or to be understood by others
but rather a beautiful heart reflection between you and God...

A Romantic"s Letter to this Beautiful Life

We can't have it all 

But we can make the most of the memories we have 

Long car rides in a nostalgic land that was the original home 

Losing yourself in his emerald blue eyes 

Singing of God"s endless love in Lithuanian at bible study 

Stranding yourself in the middle of nowhere with dear friends 

Wednesday prayer nights of hope with your dearest roomies, believing in God to do miracles of the impossible. 

Sipping banana chocolate lattes at midnight with your best friend talking about this beautiful life 

Singing Russian love songs in coffeeshops with an acoustic guitar

Late night walks after youth group lost under the starry Baltic sky...

We can't have it all, 

But we can make the most of the memories we have, 

Our hearts will break within our glass souls 

We will fall in love 

We will fall out of love 

Oh how short this life is! 

As we immortally lie to our mortal selves

Taking the ones we love for granted 

You are only 22 once 

Perhaps our lives didn't go as we planned, hoped or dreamed, but I thank God He had something even greater in mind 

I thank Him for 

Each smile 

Each heart felt laugh 

Each dear soul I have ever met in this beautiful life 

Each moment of artistic inspiration 

Each musical melody that ever danced across the catacombs of my wandering heart 

For Every time I was lost under your Baltic sky 

for every time I was lost under your American sky 

And every culture in between and beyond 

We can't have it all 

And I've finally come to peace with this reality 

But we can make the most of the memories we were blessed to be alive for. 

Wine Red Lipstick

I'll never forget the day I stopped wearing "Wine is Everything" red lipstick
It was a slow loss of identity, as blood flows out of the body
How could such a small seemingly insignificant detail mean everything?
I wish we would have met when you saw that world on my lips
You met the "natural beauty" version
Plain.
Simple.
"Conservative" "Society" would have preferred that anyways,
but honestly you never knew what that color meant to me
You missed out on a part of my heart and soul I choose not to reveal
Or perhaps a part of me just died
and I chose to bury it in the grave
Once and for all. 

The Rock Soul

I sprawled myself across the cold earth as if in snow angel formation
I turned onto the other side as if the dirt were my pillow
and listened for its heartbeat,
the world was silent in the middle of the dark forest
I held my breath,
and I felt a small thump,
In the land of my own flesh and blood,
it was indeed some sort of heart beat,
 but not one that I recognized or grew up with.
I looked into the reflection of a nearby puddle,
those facial features were deeply embedded and sewn in this earth,
confirming its origin,
but the soul,
Oh this Beloved soul,
that heart,
beated from another land,
another time,
another place,
another artistic inspiration,
another melody,
there was no rock soul to be found,
not a trace,
not a breath,
not a single kiss,
I cried,
as if it were the biggest insulting joke of life ever experienced.
KODĖL?
KODĖL?
KODĖL!?!?!?
I screamed.
Olive green pants drowning now in mud from tears.

_________________________________________

There were choices to be made,
conform and be like the rest, disown this rock soul, OR
show the world, a unique interpretation of redemptive musical life,
and face the risk of being judged, mocked, rejected and disowned.
It just seemed so irrelevant,
but for some reason the heartbeat within,
weakly whispered not to give up,
reflecting a lifeless face
missing wine red lipstick
an over conservative
art starved
musically deprived
fear trapped
 stranger I didn't recognize....

The Kindness of the World

She found herself sitting on a bench in the city centre

What a luminous sunny day it was

With her coffee stained tattered journal

Which held her most precious thoughts of the heart

She looked up and saw a young man, near the age of 20, black leather jacket, sea green brown eyes, back brushed sandy blond hair, he smiled as he said goodbye to his friends,

As he walked passed her she could see the deep sadness in his eyes. He was hiding some secret. The tears slowly formed as he turned the corner to cover his face.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

A young lady, dressed in a wine red dress, with dark curly hair, so beautiful. Underneath she was a dreamer, struggling with doubt, society judged her, she really wanted to give up, Praying someone would reach out, support her.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

Another unkept man,  slowly moved down the road, long hair past his chin, smoking a cigarette, with a stern look on his face, others cringed and gave him strange looks of disgust.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

An older woman, probably in her 60s was practically crawling up the bank steps, she outstretched her trembling hand for the door’s handle, but couldn’t make it.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

A teenage girl with hair dyed blue, bright red nails and lipstick, the wind caught her black long sleeve shirt to reveal scars on her wrist.

The rest of the world went on like nothing ever happened.

After several hours of observation....with unbearable tears  in my eyes and a heavy heart I  closed my wet seemingly ocean drowned journal. 

My World

Artistic inspiration is

his sea glass blue eyes

her dark wine red lipstick

peacock patterned leggings

the abstract mess of pictures on the desk

a prayer room created from the heart

Artistic inspiration is

the colors of  a Lithuanian sunset

the young Czech man playing a sad and haunting melody on his guitar

the laughter of a  Croatian woman

a young Polish man’s long black dreadlocks

singing worship songs in Serbian

the taste of Italian tomatoes

Artistic inspiration is

the rushing clear mountain rivers of Bosnia

hiding in a bush at 1am  in Kosovo

talking to three pastors in Montenegro

breathing in the air of putrid fish in Iceland

a sunny abandoned Macedonian road

Artistic inspiration is

the endless late night conversations of dear friends

her echoing laughter

the relentless fire in her eyes

once lived memories of the travelers heart  

What They Said

They said sit 

I danced

They said scientific English 

I wrote creative 

They said be silent 

I screamed 

They said this wall will remain blank white 

I painted it the colors of the Baltic Sea sunset 

They said conform

I stood out 

They said give up it's no use

I pursued it with relentless passion

They said be normal 

I told them I would rather die than disown the heart and soul of who I am 

The Heart Song

I stood on an expansive dirt hill overlooking Przystanek Woodstock (also known as Polish Woodstock). It was late evening, and I was lost in a sea of dreadlocks, tattoos, ear gauges and the punk rock/ metal artistic craziness of over one million people. I found myself in the evangelistic adventure of a lifetime, near the small southern village of Kostrzyn nad Odrą.

 I carried Ruslana Evelyn (my guitar) and started walking with a few of my friends from my missions school at the early hour of 1 in the morning. I  thought to myself, “What could I possibly be doing at this questionable time on the streets of Woodstock?”   We trudged through roads that were drowning in putrid garbage and every sin imaginable while the smell of cigarette smoke floated in the air like a piercing fog into our eyes.

We arrived at the northern most part of the festival and there I saw of group of fifteen young people sitting in a circle laughing, the aroma of pot and alcohol hung like an old forgotten curtain.  I was too tired to speak with them. I merely and passively walked by.  Then one of the young Polish men noticed I had a guitar and asked, “Cześć, would you like to come hang out with my friends and I?”  At first I was hesitant, and then agreed to do so. Everyone wanted me to play a song, and so the first one to come to my mind was Pasaulio Švesia (Here I Am To Worship). I had no idea why God wanted me to sing this song ( I was very new and afraid with my music evangelism at the time) and especially at this unexpected hour.

Nevertheless, I let this sweet melody drift into the calm starry Polish night sky. Afterwards, I looked up and the same young man who invited me to play had tears in his eyes. He expressed thoughtfully, “Your song really touched my heart.” It was truly an unforgettable precious moment. 

There are many people in the world who are waiting to be inspired by your heart’s song. Will you find the boldness to share your story? 

The Outcast

I know your pain

One morning I woke up and I realized I never wanted to be like you (society) EVER. 

I would rather die than disown the heart and soul of who I am. 

I know that feeling of looking into the eyes of your own flesh and blood and all you receive back is a blank stare of judgement. 

Been there done that one too many times. 

Why be the same when you can be different? 

A life of conformity, trapped in a box, a filthy rat cage, 

Didn't you ever dream of something more? Or did you assume that what you saw with your own eyes was all that there was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was walking the dark streets several evenings ago, this thought finally resonated with my heart,  I truly, deeply understand what it"s like to be you. I walked in your shoes. For those of you who feel outcasted by society, you are not alone, I promise you. I would like to take the time to thank those of you. From the bottom of my heart thank you for being willing to stand strong in what you believed in, even when the society around you laughed at you, insulted you, mocked you, rejected you, spit in your face, called you stupid, called you a loser, and said that you were too radical, too bold, too creatively different for Jesus with your passions, visions, and dreams. It is because of you I stand here today with relentless eternal burning passion and fire in my eyes for God"s glory. In those moments you felt embarrassed to be "different" and thought your efforts were meaningless, futile, and in vain, they were not, I was watching you. You may not have directly noticed, but I was. Thank you for taking up your cross every single day in and day out  even though it was painful and I know you cried endless tears during this process. Thank you for setting such a phenomenal example of what it means to die to yourself and love those who seem impossible to love. Thank you for immersing yourself in the holy presence of Yeshua in such a way that it was clearly and visibly noticed in every breath you breathed, every word prayed, every lyric sung, every note strummed, every smile, every hug, every conversation, the essence an aroma of your life pointed straight to the Passion of the Cross of our dearest Savior....thank you. It is someone special like you, who truly impacted and changed the world for the better by portraying your beautiful heart like the colors of a Baltic sunset...

I would rather die an outcast and have COMPLETELY experienced the true love of Jesus, than to be eternally trapped in a filthy rat cage of conformity. 

Your Beautiful Soul

Why does my soul say to itself, 

I already know you before I met you? 

One day you"ll look back and see that the blessing you ignored standing eternally in front of your face, as the waves of this life washed by, was your greatest answered prayer in disguise. You"ll probably have regret in your heart, as will I, but truly what is the meaning of this life, if all it ever came was to this? 

Why do I prejudge situations I've never been in? Assuming I know everything, but as I talk to you I realized I knew nothing at all, now I realize your beautiful soul,

And oh, how I was so close to missing it! 

 

I saw you standing there, smiling so full of energy, life and adventure, the relentless passion in your eyes. I used to be like that once. It's the ghost that haunts me everyday I wake up. I pray that my curiosity and yours is never lost, that we would keep our hearts always open. 

That Awkward Moment of Life You're in Eastern Europe 2014 Part 1

To start of this beautiful new year, I thought I would dedicate a blog post to supposed  awkward/funny moments of 2014. You may be wondering, why in the world do you share your awkward life moments for the public eye to see? Well, first  and foremost of all, I truly believe there needs to be more laughter in this world, so I thought I would contribute in a "unique" way. The following you are about to read actually happened, (yeah, you're probably thinking, wow, this girl is SO strange, just when I thought my life was crazy...." So I hope to put a smile to your face, and a laugh to your soul!


That awkward moment of life you're walking the streets of this beautiful life and these 12 young Lithuanian men surround you in a circle. You look to the heaven's and your like Jesus, KODEL? Why do young European men always seem to follow me? What did I do to deserve this torture? Then one of them explains how it is his bachelor's party and he has this task list he must complete, and I can either buy candy from him, give him my number and pretend to be his girlfriend, or kiss him. I roll my eyes and say I would rather do none of those things, then he pleads, almost on his knees, and so you choose the most scandalously adventurous option...you kiss a random young Lithuanian man on the cheek, and his friend takes a picture. And you're thinking to yourself....if all young Lithuanian men are like this....my dear God of heaven...I am SO DONE with that genre of man..... ;) (Pretty much have said this about every European man genre # let's.be.honest.) (this pretty much almost tops the Polish proposal awkward moment of 2013)

That awkward moment you decide to carry toilet paper (without a plastic bag to cover it) in public. # LOUD.n.PROUD. # bad.ASS.

That funny moment of life you're listening to this speaker and she says, "In my American life I did this.......in my Lithuanian life I did that....." and you just burst out in laughter, and no one else in the room is laughing, and you're thinking to yourself....STORY OF MY LIFE. then you start pacing your room and you're like:
In my AMERICAN life......I listened to that cute Hillsong/Chris Tomlin music,
In my LITHUANIAN life ...I SCREAMED METAL music down the streets of this life like YEAH,
In my American life, I liked European guys,
In my Lithuanian life, I think I actually prefer the American genre,
In my American life, I had crazy punk rocker hair, painted my nails, pierced my ears,
In my Lithuanian life, I had even more crazy back brushed rat's nest dreadlock infested punk rock metal  hair, created holes in my ears and got a tattoo,
In my American life I was known as the gangster, "ICE TEA" "LIPTON" cause that culture could not say the "ė" sound.
In my Lithuanian life I was known as "Aistė".
In my American life people would walk over to me and start speaking Russian or Polish and I would be like "YA LITOVKA". # deceptive.eastern.euro.facial.features.
In my Lithuanian life, people would walk over to me and start speaking Lithuanian..(DUH.) .and occasionally still Russian.
In my American life, I walked the ghetto hood  city streets of Minneapolis ( population 2 million) at 1AM....by myself
In my Lithuanian life, I walked the streets of Polish Woodstock in the afternoon.....by myself.....and the sketchy dark streets of Klaipėda late at night...by myself...

and you're thinking to yourself AHMEN to "the art of living a double cultured life." I understand....truly...

That funny moment of life you're at this pizza restaurant with some of your friends, and two of your American bros, they notice you are wearing 4 rings on your fingers. They ask what those rings mean. You tell them you are married to a European, Russian, African and someone from Antarctica, they look at you like "Seriously? you must be joking!" You laugh slightly and explain how in Eastern Europe it's ever so normal to do such things. # Lithuanian.culture.shock.

That awkward moment of life one of your students is staring at you. You then give him your "Lietuvė death stare" (For those of you who know what that is, I assure if you've experienced it, you will have nightmares before you fall asleep) and he then whispers to his friend, probably like, "OMG, that teacher, she was like staring at me".

That moment of life you introduce yourself to the class, and you're like "Labas, my name is Aistė, I'm Lithuanian-American", and they look at you like, "what the hell, that cannot be possible!  How can you be two nationalities at once?" and you smile and think to yourself, "Ahmen.....Taip. that genre of woman EXISTS."

That funny moment of life you are talking with a friend during the Christmas program, and one of your Theology professor's walks over. Your friend explains how your are talking about Christian metal music, and your professor proceeds to banging his head like a metalist, and you look to the sky, and you think to yourself, "Ahmen, Jesus I waited my whole life to witness this moment".

That moment of life you link arms with your dearest Ukrainian sister at the Christmas market skipping happily around and you explain to her that you are wildly artistic with no practicality, and she explains how she is practical. and you say how you both should start a business which features metal wine red lipstick, you know combining the artistic and the practical.... ;)

That random moment of life you are standing outside of Loftas after the Skillet concert in Vilnius and this young Lithuanian man taps you almost under the armpit, smiles, winks, and disappears into the Lithuanian miškas. You're assuming he probably liked your tattoo, then you make a joke with your friends, how in America the young men tap women on the shoulders....but in Europe...the young European man.....taps women near the armpit....very culturally fitting. ;) AHMEN. what I expected from day one. # true.character.revealed.

That haunting poetic of life  moment you scream the Russian song "My Heart" down the hallway.

That awkward moment of life you eat ice cream in the middle of winter IN LITHUANIAN PUBLIC.

That funny moment of life you walk into a coffeeshop, and you forget to turn off your metal music on your iphone, and the barista  gives you that look "are you serious, someone as vintage as you with wine red lipstick and curly hair listens to THAT music?" and you smile and roll your eyes and think....LOOKS can be quite deceiving. I am a vintage metalist. My own hipster metal style....

That awkward moment of life you walk barefoot IN LITHUANIAN PUBLIC.

That moment of life, people won't stop knocking on your door and you loudly say, "The NEXT young LCC man to knock on my door, I WILL PUT YOU IN A CARDBOARD BOX, DUCK TAPE IT, AND SHIP YOU TO SIBERIA ETERNALLY!!!". Then the knocking stops. # woman.power.

(to be continued........)

The Awakening

It's like I woke up...

As I walked through the crisp white snow under the winter Baltic sunrise I had never felt so alive , I've seen many  Lithuanian sunrises, but this particular one was beyond beautiful, shades of lily flower purple with the golden sun and traces of mandarin orange in the background. I wish I could have taken a picture to show you, but my camera had no room. Oh those moments that are forever imprinted and memorized in intricate artistic detail by the heart. I realized going into this, I had forced myself into a life I was never meant to live, I knew the art & degree of so called practicality was never me from day one, I made my passions, visions, and dreams of art and music drink a deadly poison to kill them off, just when I thought I killed them, through the shadows and cracks of my heart they arose to re inspire once again. 

As I was creating a worship playlist the other day, I was vividly reminded of 

my childhood of going to those Christian music festivals for ten years , and they were definitely not an accident. Starting with musician A in the merch tent and ending wih musician Z, personally asking each of them what inspired them to start their band, every precious conversation, every word as a young girl. I thought everyone in general had a similar experience with Christian music, (those interested at least) but then when I moved outside of America, Jesus turned my beloved musical childhood past upside down. I realized this gift He blessed me with as a child was sacred, and those shoes and circumstances I found myself in were not merely coincidences, but divine blessings in disguise that would help me with my missions work in Europe. 

 Honestly I somewhat hid this sacred gift when I arrived on European soil. It didn't resonate with my soul like it used to. Growing up my genre was more like Hillsong, DCB, hawk nelson, fm static, TFK, Barlow girl, Toby Mac, skillet, disciple (I still listen to the Canadian & hard rock) When I moved to Europe, my heart really changed. I still love the same Jesus as I did 3 years ago before this adventure began, but God really opened my eyes. Before moving to Europe I started getting into Christian metal music (I remember going to this For Today/Devil Wears Prada concert with a dear friend, I told her everyone there will dress metal, so we planned our outfits, make up, hair, and dang.....we looked perfect for that scene after many hours of prep....dead rose lipstick...Ahmen. We get to the show, literally we are the only ones dressed up and everyone else looks "too normal" I will refrain from mentioning the city name...such a hilariously artistic experience I will never forget) it seemed normal, and then I went to my dream missions school, the Steiger missions school summer 2013 in Germany. I became friends with Christian metalists from all over the world. I found it deeply intruiging and interesting how they were using metal to evangelize the gospel. As I started traveling with my missions school throughout Europe wih it was Slot Art festival or Polish Woodstock, Czech Republic, Germany, and really getting to know people"s hearts in this part of the world, God really broke my heart for them and in those moments I realized how relevant having an evangelistic Christian metal band would be, such a common genre for Germany, Poland, Ukraine, and Russia. And about halfway through the Steiger missions school, God inspired me with my own metal music vision. Never in my life did I imagine myself ever proclaiming the gospel through this genre, in fact I thought it would be the last genre I expected to evangelize with, but over the years God has really grown my passion for Christian metal. (I vividly recall a metal memory when I was a little 12 year old girl rocking out at one of my favorite Christian music festivals, Sonshine. My friends dragged me to the HM stage for the 1st time in my life which I usually avoided like a disease. I was standing there absolutely terrified as my friends enjoyed the show and I happened to be standing right next to this band"s table and this musician guy who has tattoo sleeves on both arms on his neck and ear gauges, warmly smiles at me, says Hi and asks me what I thought of the show, I just stand there in utter horrifying shock and ran out of the HM stage area as fast as I could....looking back on this situation if I were to go there now, I would totally be in love with that Christian American metalist.....God"s sense of humor...the things we run from in life we eventually end up embracing...)

Also, Growing up for me, a song was not merely a song. Every lyrical line, every word, every morpheme and phoneme (excuse my non-existent nerdy linguistic side) was like a precious diamond that flowed through my veins in my blood. Every song reminded me of a life story, a circumstance, a specific person. Those Christian music childhood songs were such a beautiful gift from the heavenlies that I didn't realize until now. I know I probably take music ministry way too seriously, but the etiquette in how it is done means everything to me. I was inspired by the American Christian music scene, but never truly satisfied, to the point where I decided to move to Europe in hopes of starting or being part of some Christian music revolution. I couldn't just sit in my comfort in America and watch my own flesh and blood spiritually suffer. Something had to be done. It's especially a hard daily life decision to make when you are blessed and cursed to be part of 2 cultural worlds at once. It kisses and scars the heart and soul at the same time. 

This past semester I experienced what it was like to lose the heart and soul of who I am. It was terrible. Soul glazed lifeless eyes with no inspiration to talk to anyone. The person who loves talking with people became anti social. 

Looking back, I don't even recognize myself in some situations. I realized that if I forsook the heart and soul of who I was,eventually it will come back to me in the most unexpected moments as if Jesus is gently reminding me who I am.

As a follower of Jesus, whether you are new in your walk of have been a Christian for many years, there comes a time when Jesus does something in your life that is so powerful, life altering, you walk away a radically changed and different person and just left completely speechless. It's like every morning you wake up after that experience you see your family, friends, relatives, every person walking down the street in a new light. How you smile, do music, do art, dance pursue those passion, visions, dreams, it's just different. Trust me, people will notice. And it never leaves you. I pray each of you dearest friends would be blessed in this way.' Spending the past several years in Europe, I can honestly and genuinely say, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago....

The Art of Saying Goodbye

Life is truly mysterious, I believe I will never quite fully understand it,

As this semester FINALLY comes to a close I find myself lost admist a season of goodbyes.

I look back on my life, especially the last three years of doing missions work in Europe, and I am left completely speechless at every single beautiful heart and soul I have met on the streets of this life. Sometimes it feels like I've met at least half the world, metaphorically speaking. I've come across SO SO SO many people of different cultures,religions, languages, dreams, passions, visions. I question God many times, why me? Why was I so privileged and blessed to walk these shoes and look into each person's dear eyes? Maybe I will never truly know the answer to this endless pondering. In all honesty I NEVER forget, a name, a face, a beautiful walking story, a dear heart and a dear soul. So once I meet someone, they are are eternally remembered in my heart....Whether that is a blessing or a curse...depends on the person.... ;)

From the people I've met, I believe the world is in such good hands, I'm so excited to see what God will do through you. 

Every person you meet is for a reason, and not by accident.  I firmly believe this. Every person is an answered prayer. I notice that God puts people in my life at the exactly right time. Whether I'm going through an inspiring season of my life or a season of struggle and sadness. The most recent example I can think of is, about the last month into the semester, I really fell into this deep depression about my metal music vision. I was endlessly questioning God if it was His will for this vision to happen. I desperately prayed for a sign...and next thing I knew God blessed me with a dear friend who really inspired me not to lose my heart for Christian metal music ministry. It was the perfect miracle at the perfect time.

Lots of people I have met in this beautiful life were last minute  and it seemed so unexpected that our lives would cross paths. That's what I love so much about life, really, God is full of unexpected people surprises. It's adventurously, excitingly unpredictable. 

Also, I've realized especially  the missions heart type of people, we realize from the beginning there will be one too many goodbyes that we will experience. I knew in that moment   when I  made the decision  to move from Minneapolis back to Lithuania, it would be the beginning of something unpredictably great, but also a life process that would require a sacrifice of more heart pain.  It's like you know going into this life adventure you will meet alot of people, there will be seasons of life time friendships, or maybe someone you meet for several weeks or a day, but nevertheless, as we reflect back to Jesus heart, cross, and passion I can confidently say, 

"You are the God who is in the heart in the midst of the tears of goodbyes."

The Sparkle in your Eyes

For a moment I saw a familiar sparkle in your eye
So this is where the double cultured worlds kiss,
The art of being Lithuanian American, Both sides have their loses and sacrifices
Sometimes in those beautifully unexpected moments my heart finds so much joy, and I realize the sacrifice was worth it,
Other times when the reflections of my musical childhood past stare me in the face, I honestly ponder what could have been...

Treasured Trash

The other day I found myself painting clouds. It's been one day too long since I last found myself doing something enjoyably artistic on this side of Eastern European heaven. As I sat there with my paintbrush, shades of blue and white paint and wine red tea, I was reminded of my childhood art past.
I vividly recall, one of my greatest art inspirations, my former art teacher Mr. Hanson. I will never forget him. He was the type of art teacher who could take something that society considers trash, and create an artistic masterpiece out of it. Little did I know how this perspective would influence my life in such a way years to come.  Wither it was using old cardboard boxes, cartons, a variety of paper surfaces, collections of paints, he simply found a use for every artistic detail. I decided to do the same in my own life. Put me in any given artistic situation, and I will  do my best come up with an idea of how to turn nothingness into somethingness wither it is literal art, music, relationships, loving Jesus etc.

As I sat there stabbing the ancient crusted decaying paintbrush onto the thick slabs of cardboard clouds with freely thoughtful abstracts of blues and white while listening to my favorite Belorussian/Russian band Nuteki, it really got me thinking, how have I truly turned the trash that surrounds me into treasure while walking the beautiful streets of this life?

I've realized there are several seasons of life where I find myself so busy, I overlook and miss the details that surround me. Wither it is the sight of red rose, or a person I should have talked to, but just decided not too, judged them out and moved on. Maybe what we consider trash in our lives isn't necessarily actually worthless. Have we actually taken the time to look at it, and realize all the perspectives to somehow turn it into an artistic masterpiece?
Those moments of sadness and depression in our lives, those times we really hurt and cry out to God and ask WHY? KODEL? Usually our first instinct is to just take those moments and eternally throw them out because there seems to be no artistic or musical or joyful perspective. But I challenge you, what if there is, if you look deep enough, will you be able to find that glimmer of light in those seemingly unfavorable moments of life?

Maybe there is a person in your life that you pushed away, but in your heart you realize you must talk to them and revive the relationship,
Maybe you let your greatest passion, vision, and dream in life die, and Jesus keeps whispering to your beautiful inspiring soul to bring it back to life again for His glory,

I encourage you dearest friend to take those colorful shattered glass pieces of life that surround you, and to create  what may seem like an abstract nothingness into an artistic somethingness. <3

The Art of Christianity & Secularism

I would like to take the time to write a personal elaborative response to a post by one of my favorite Christian metal  band's For Today. I am very proud of Mattie Montgomery (lead singer) of taking a stand on the issue of Christian bands touring with secular bands, as portrayed in the text to the right. Over the years, I have become very disappointed with the Christian music scene in general. Bands are simply not willing to collaborate with secular bands. Furthermore, several Christian communities (not to mention any specific names) from my experience tend to segregate "Christian" and "Secular" bands as if we are "White as snow" and they are as "Black as hell". I'm sorry, but there is something seriously WRONG with that. I believe Jesus calls us to love ALL OF HUMANITY. When does Jesus ever say to "SELECTIVELY love humanity". or "Only love those you want to love or feel comfortable loving!?"

This raises a whole other issue. Why are we as humanity, afraid to love those who are different from us? I would like to share a personal example. Growing up, I was quite free to express myself through art  more or less. Especially when I entered my university years, fashion was of high importance to me. I started creating wild punk hairstyles and boldly expressing them. I started gauging (creating tunnels) in my ears because I really enjoy that look. I also got a tattoo to express my love for Jesus to my people in Lithuania.  For me this is completely normally adventerous, I don't have to think twice about the physical appearance decisions I made. I wouldn't even consider myself to be an artistically extreme body modificator. I remember before I moved to Eastern Europe, I was part of an evangelistic Christian music/art community, and I was accepted for who I was and not judged. Whether this be my faith, visions, dreams, or outward appearance. Then I moved to a very conservative community in Eastern Europe. That is where the judgement began. People may not directly state it, but I know what they are thinking. I am not a naive child. I have also experienced direct judgemental remarks of my  outward apperance.....from the supposed "Christian community". In all honesty,  I am SO DISAPPOINTED. No words will ever describe. It breaks my heart how someone can be so "closed-minded" ( I really hate using this term, forgive me, but SERIOUSLY) We are all created in the Holy precious Almighty image of YESHUA. What good does it do to your heart and soul to "judge someone out". Do you as a Christian, actually think, you are winning God's approval or something? Sorry to bring a vain tear to your eye, but you are NOT. For example, let's say you met a young man who had tattoos on both arms and both legs and on his neck. Who do you think you are to say that he is "A bloody hellish damned sinner?" You don't even KNOW him. You've never even SPOKEN with him.

You never even bothered to ask for his name. Who knows, what if he is a Christian musician, a pastor, an evangelist? LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING.  In 1 Samuel 16:7 it is written, The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."     

Going back to my thoughts on the Christian v. Secular band issue, what good is it if Christians stay on their side of the fence? In order to truly love humanity to it's fullest capacity, You have to love all people. Don't reject secular bands because they may not love Jesus like you do. So what? (YEAH, I just said that) Simply be that example of the love of Jesus in their lives and don't judge them. Remember what first inspired you to accept Jesus?  That moment of sweet, loving embrace that just hugged the heart and soul of who you are?  We need more Christians to go into the darkest corners of society. If we don't go, who will? You can't just expect someone to know Jesus and develop a personal relationship if you don't take your cute bottom off that couch and go do something about it. ( I just had to use that analogy)  

My prayer everyday is that we as Christians would continue to fall so in love with Jesus, ever so passionately, that He would give us that heart to love ALL PEOPLE. Regardless of outward appearance or what music they create.

If It Was All A Loss

If it was all a loss, it was SO worth it
7,333 kilometers almost 2 years later,
If I would have known, I would have not come, but I did not know.....
It was worth to kill the curiosity of my other cultural half,
It was SO worth it just to see her hope filled smile....
It as SO worth it, to get lost in his beautiful blue-green Baltic Sea glass eyes
It was worth every laugh, every tear, every scar, every painful moment,
to walk in the shoes of my own flesh and blood,
to feel how they really feel,
to see life truly through their eyes....
If it was all a loss...
it was the most beautiful one of my life...
A moment so perfectly intricately interwoven in time with its aurora of nature, scenery, building, people and plots,
a rare glimpse of a unique abstract of life,
that chose only a few people to reveal itself to,
One can only understand if having spiritually and physically been in that breathe of a moment...
If it was truly all a loss,
thank you dearest Jesus for this inspiring tragedy of creative captivity....<3 

Lost in His Loving Arms

Today, it finally hit me,
as I was walking through the most painful ice piercing unpleasant wind, under the grayest saddest mid-autumn sky.....
what I should have realized many long years ago,
As I found myself lost in the cursed and blessed identity of "Lithuanian American" or whatever that means....it  doesn't matter anymore.
The simple truth was finally revealed to me
As I look back on my life, I realized that I never necessarily fit in anywhere. There always seemed to  be that part of me that was missing, lost in another world, another time, another indescribable hidden place.
As I continued to look back on my short lived life of 21 years,
realizing all the cultures of people I found myself in,
all the countries visited,
and experiences gone through,
I feel so blessed to have looked into each of their beautiful eyes......
Oh how I will never forget those forever gone precious moments,
held close to my heart into the vastness of eternity........
I cannot believe it took well over 60,000 kilometers of endless wanderings for my heart to realize,
it wasn't found in the church,
it wasn't found on that worship team,
it wasn't found in that supposed christian organization,
it wasn't found in that band,
it wasn't found in that musician,
it wasn't found in that interpretation of art,
it wasn't found in a certain style,
It was DEFINITELY not found in the American identity,
to bloody hell with the supposed Lithuanian identity,
You know where I found this  missing part?
All along, I was meant to be lost in Jesus loving arms,
His most Holy, sweet, warm, welcoming, loving, peaceful, and inspiring embrace.....

Oh foolish child, I say to the breathless wind, why so long to realize  your heart's passion ?

My Apology

I'm sorry that I was never enough for you
I'm sorry that I was not all that you dreamed that I would be
I'm sorry that I disappointed you
I'm sorry I left you hanging in the Eastern European cold
I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself
I remember those days where it used to be so exciting to meet the entire world
So absolutely, utterly artistically inspiring,
I don't know what happened,
maybe it was the country,
maybe it was the climate,
maybe it was the realization that I would never fit in to the flesh and blood of my past.
Maybe it was the haunting emotionless, lifeless dead expression on the faces
Maybe it was depression,
Maybe it was the sensing that the presence of God was not strongly felt since walking the soil,
I question why,
Why all this struggle, pain, to seemingly satisfy a curiosity that costed one's life?
Indeed the sacrifice was too great.
But one cannot turn back the clock,
The reality of life pierces my heart like the sharpest sword,
but I hope one day you can find the strength forgive me,
This season of life is so short,
right now it seems like the darkest abyss,
but oh, what a  mere breath of life,
it  shall pass, like an intricate white feather from a dove, dancing in the golden sea sunset...absolutely free....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHNTKWK4Lx4

Emerald Green

Today I was reminded of how much I miss you

How I once forsook and disowned you

And left you standing there with tears in your eyes 

After Ieft you, I realized the beauty you possesed

You were a treasure in my heart that I kissed goodbye

As the years passed, I came across the ashes of my childhood love

You were withered and torn...and scarred....

Oh, what a foolish child I was,

To forget you and leave you like this.....